


Each And Every Day

by gillyAnne



Category: The Fall (TV 2013), The X-Files
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:41:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 55
Words: 63,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23529322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gillyAnne/pseuds/gillyAnne
Summary: A global pandemic has Stella and Scully separated, but brings them closer than ever.Daily phone calls between friends, lovers, and soul mates.
Relationships: Stella Gibson & Dana Scully, Stella Gibson/Dana Scully
Comments: 68
Kudos: 109





	1. Day One

**Author's Note:**

> This story comes after my current, ongoing story Lead Me Out.   
> Unbeta'ed. Unchecked. My way of dealing with isolation.  
> Prompts for what you want them to discuss/talk about are welcome in twitter DM's: @gillyAnne_1

‘Stella.’

Something akin to a gust of fresh air on a summers’ day made its way down Dana’s spine at the sound of the voice coming to her from across the ocean. ‘Oh my God,’ she whispered, wholly unprepared for the rush of pure adrenaline that forced its way through her heart. ‘Dana?’ Stella questioned carefully.

‘Yes, yes, it’s… I’m okay,’ she said softly, her voice unfamiliar even to her own ears. ‘It’s good to hear your voice.’

It had been only yesterday when the whole world had collapsed around them. No more flights, closed borders, a global pandemic had evolved from an overused movie idea into harsh reality and had taken their love and desire to be together and swallowed it. Had taken it, and rudely forced it down into a black hole that was the future. Each of them wasn’t worried about getting out on the other end themselves, but they were worried sick for each other. The distance between them hadn’t grown in miles but it grew mentally with every news report that came in.

‘It’s two at night, Dana,’ Stella said, her voice sounding slightly hoarse. ‘I know, I just got off work,’ Dana answered. ‘Oh God,’ Stella responded, suddenly wide awake within the endless space of a second. ‘Are precautions being taken? Are you safe?’ Scully sighed. ‘We’re trying,’ she said, her voice betraying how tired she really was. ‘What about you?’ Stella cleared her throat. ‘We’re advised to work from home for now, but I have to say I feel like we’re behind. Way, way behind.’ Scully released a shuddering breath as she tucked her feet under her body, trying to get comfortable on her couch. ‘I know the feeling. We’re going to get overwhelmed.’

A silence stretched between them and Stella wondered if Scully had fallen asleep. She’d been slumbering herself, having woken up from a nightmare not long before. However, hearing Dana’s voice, buttery smooth but lined dark with worry, had woken her up to a point where she wanted nothing more to talk to Dana for hours, yet her eyelids felt heavy with the weight of the unknown. ‘I’m glad to hear your voice too,’ she offered after a few darkening minutes. Dana sighed deeply and Stella heard the shudder of a body wrecking with unshed tears. ‘I’m worried, Stella.’ Stella swallowed. ‘Me too.’

‘You let me know if you feel sick,’ Dana said. ‘Hmm,’ Stella’s response came.

‘Promise me,’ Dana insisted, the tightening fist around her heart telling her this was no time to be accommodating. Stella sighed, and her frustration was clear to Dana through that single sound. ‘You know I will,’ Stella managed.

‘I don’t, actually,’ Dana’s ice cold, slightly trembling voice 

On the other side of an ocean Stella dropped her chin, and a thick, well-polished curl fell into her face covering the cracks in her perfect mask. She sighed in resignation, hurt most of all by her own lack of honesty – with herself, but first and foremost with the person she loved the most in this world. The person that, above all, had to survive this. I don’t care if I get sick, she thought quietly, as long as you do not. ‘Okay,’ she whispered, rubbing her throbbing temple with two fingers. ‘I promise. But Dana?’

‘Yeah?’ Dana’s suddenly small voice barely reached her.

‘Don’t do anything silly.’

Dana sighed deeply. With ‘silly’ Stella meant: don’t be a hero. Don’t go out saving people if it means jeopardizing yourself. And that’s exactly what she’d been doing, picking up extra shifts at the hospital – and there was no way she could deny it. Not to Stella, not to herself. Her heart clenched at the realization that Stella, too, knew this. And that she was, by not naming it, showing her support and understanding even though it scared the shit out of her. ‘I won’t,’ Dana said solidly. ‘Not any more than I have to.’ And it was a promise to herself as much as it was to Stella. If she expected Stella to do this one thing for her, and she couldn’t see or hold her for the foreseeable future, this would have to be the next best thing – the promise of doing everything in their power to ensure there was a future. One that still held the two of them.

‘Thank you,’ Stella conceded, sleep thick in her voice. ‘Sleep well,’ Dana wished.

They could have spoken for hours but both their hearts felt a little bit better knowing the other was there, safe for now, a little bit less alone just for hearing the sounds of their voices.

The line went dead on Dana’s end and for long moments she just looked at her phone screen, Stella’s name and a few buttons, and even though she felt lonely she felt better than she had all day.


	2. Day Two

‘Can I see you?’

Stella scoffed. ‘No. I’m wearing a face mask.’

‘So that’s why you called, you were bored,’ Dana teased. ‘I fit into your schedule.’

‘Stop that,’ Stella said seriously. ‘You’re not being funny.’

‘Kidding, Stel,’ Dana said. ‘I’m glad you called.’ Stella licked her lips. ‘Are you home?’

‘Yeah, just got back from… Work,’ Scully said evasively. ‘The hospital,’ Stella corrected. ‘You just got back from the hospital. Don’t change the facts, Dana. It’s okay.’ Scully sighed. ‘Yes. I was working. It’s crazy, Stella. People are panicked, afraid. I promise I’m staying safe but I have to help.’

‘I know you do, I know you,’ Stella answered, a certain peace weaved through her voice. ‘I don’t like it, but I love you for doing it. Putting yourself out there. Just…’ ‘I know,’ Dana interjected. ‘I will.’

Stella’s unspoken words hung between them like the weight of all the water that separated them, pulling Dana down, deep worry settling in her stomach like it must be settled in Stella’s. ‘What about you?’ she dared to ask after a few moments. ‘I’m… Staying inside,’ Stella said, her voice less than casual – almost business-like. ‘I have about two weeks’ worth of food, there is no reason for me to expose myself to whoever is out there. I’ll go on a supply run for a few others around here tomorrow.’ Stella didn’t say it, but Dana knew she must have asked around to see if anyone needed anything to minimalize everyone’s exposure. Stella, too, was too caring for her own good sometimes. ‘You know I love you, right?’ Dana whispered.

Stella breathed out slowly as her only response. Dana listened. The line went quiet again.

‘Anyway,’ Dana said on a sigh, ‘face mask, huh. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you with a face mask.’ ‘Next time we’ll do one together, I promise,’ Stella smiled warily, her insides warming at the thought of having an ordinary girls night in with her girlfriend. ‘It’s a date,’ Dana replied, her smile reaching Stella all the way from across the sea. ‘We need this, Dana,’ Stella turned serious. ‘We need to plan for the future.’ Dana licked her lips. ‘Funny, you tell me you want to move in and next thing the whole world goes into lockdown.’ ‘Quit it with the jokes,’ Stella warned, her voice tired and lined with annoyance. ‘Humor won’t solve this. And it won’t take my mind off the fact that you’re exposing yourself to this disease every day.’ Scully swallowed, knowing Stella was probably worried sick and going crazy being home. Stella responded before Scully could. ‘Sorry. I just… wish this weren’t happening.’ ‘As do I,’ Dana replied. ‘It’s okay, Stella. At least we have each other to talk to.’ ‘Hmm,’ Stella agreed. ‘I feel useless.’ ‘You’re doing what you can. We need people doing your part as much as mine,’ Dana said, her voice matter-of-factly without being cold. ‘Stay home, I’ll call you tomorrow.’ ‘I’ll be here,’ Stella sighed. ‘Make sure you are, and don’t put on a face mask,’ Scully grinned.

Stella huffed. ‘I love you too,’ she said. ‘Talk to you tomorrow. Bye.’


	3. Day Three

Day 3.

‘I thought you didn’t want to video call’, Scully breathed as she readjusted her phone against the setup she had going on her coffee table. ‘Not particularly,’ Stella’s steady voice smiled back at her, ‘but you wanted to, right?’ Scully nodded, tucking her hair behind her shoulders. ‘Yes, absolutely. I just wasn’t prepared, that’s all.’ Truth be told she had missed Stella’s earlier message if she wanted to video call. She’d been swamped at work and hadn’t even had time for a break, let alone anything as fancy as checking your phone. Once she got home she’d tumbled into the shower and when she’d gotten out, the reminder on her screen had told her she had (2) messages and one appointment – talking to Stella. She’d then finally checked her messages and had seen Stella’s invite to join her on video and there had been nothing she had wanted to do more all day than see Stella, so of course she wanted to – she just was not prepared. And she liked to be prepared. She’d completely forgotten that she had been the one to suggest it yesterday, and so here she was, her hair slightly damp from her shower, but a glass of wine in hand.

‘Everything still okay?’ she asked as she put her phone on one more jar and leaned it against a bottle of wine. ‘Same as yesterday,’ Stella sighed. ‘Same as tomorrow.’ Scully decided to give up on readjusting her camera angle and just focus on Stella, who was there, right in front of her. She focused on Stella’s image and a warm feeling made its way down her spine. ‘It’s so good to see you,’ she said. Stella returned her smile. She looked tired, her hair tucked away from her face in a low ponytail, a t-shirt hanging off of one shoulder. ‘I was about to get into bed,’ Stella offered. ‘You look wonderful. I wish I was there,’ Scully answered quietly, a little taken aback by the force with which Stella’s image forced its way into her heart. Stella’s tongue snuck out before her eyes went to the camera instead of Scully on her end of the screen. ‘I wish you were here, too,’ she said earnestly. ‘I miss you.’ Scully nodded and took a sip of her wine.

‘How was the grocery run?’ she remembered Stella telling her yesterday she’d go out shopping for half of London today. Somehow it bothered Scully more than her own daily exposure, just because she had no idea what was actually happening to Stella. She could control her own environment. Stella’s, she could not. She never had.

‘I don’t want to talk about it,’ Stella said sternly. ‘I want to talk about you. See you.’ She saw how Scully’s head turned to the side and feared this was an argument she was not going to win. ‘Why?’

‘Because the human race deeply disappoints me in its ignorance,’ Stella said bluntly, ‘and I wonder how they hope to survive this pandemic.’ Scully frowned, worry and sadness filling her eyes. ‘I hope no one jeopardized your safety. There’s a lot of hoarding and stockpiling going on here. It’s looking rough.’ She watched how Stella visibly considered going down the road that had been her day, but she straightened her shoulders and smiled weakly at Dana. ‘How have you been?’

‘Stel,’ Dana warned, but Stella lightly shook her head, chasing Dana’s question away. ‘Okay,’ Dana conceded. ‘What would you do if I were there now?’ The smirk on Dana’s face witnessed how Stella’s brain shifted and the smile she loved so reappeared on her girlfriend’s face. ‘God, I wish I could feel your warmth,’ Stella started with a deep sigh. ‘I do not like being deprived of the simple pleasures.’ ‘Tell me about them,’ Dana smiled a soft smile, not necessarily wanting Stella to talk sex to her but needing her to reaffirm their connection. ‘I miss holding your hand,’ Stella said softly.

Dana ran her hands through her hair, sighed deeply and tried to relax against the couch. ‘I miss that too,’ Stella noted, gazing into the camera again. ‘What?’ Scully blushed. ‘Running my hands through your hair,’ Stella said and their eyes met.

‘I’m glad we can have this,’ Scully watched as Stella nodded, quietly but deeply agreeing with her. ‘As soon as we can I’m flying over,’ Stella promised her. ‘I’m flying over and I’m running my hands through your hair all day long.’ ‘I hope not,’ Scully teased, ‘Because I want to hold your hands in mine as well. Run my fingers across yours… hold your hand like we always do.’ Stella hummed in agreement. ‘It’s strange how we miss the things we couldn’t do today but we miss them so much harder now.’ Scully shook her head lightly, sipping the dark liquid inside her glass. ‘I always miss it. We’re just more aware of the things we can’t do. But it’s important to focus on everything we can do, Stel. We can stay safe. Help others if we can do so safely, and make sure we stay healthy. That’s what we need to do now. And when this is all over, and it will be over, you stay right where you are and I’ll surprise you late at night by getting into bed with you.’ Stella closed her eyes to let that image wash over her. ‘You don’t have a key,’ she smiled, her eyes still closed. ‘I don’t care,’ Scully whispered close to the mic.

Their eyes took in the image of each other, cataloguing everything they were afraid to forget – every single freckle, every dent and curve of each other’s face they knew so well but wanted to remember more. ‘Let’s do this more often,’ Stella said, and Scully smiled widely. ‘Every day if you’ll let me,’ she said. ‘I’d be honored,’ Stella agreed.

They sat for hours, talking about nothing, especially not Stella’s bad day. They had all the time in the world to do that, later, tomorrow, next week – and more bad days would follow. The one thing that would keep them going day after day was the promise of each other, and today was dedicated to that promise. A promise of a future.


	4. Day Four

A minute late.

Then two.

On minute three, Scully threw caution in the wind and dialed Stella’s number herself. They’d agreed to just chat today, no video despite their earlier promise to one another, because they didn’t want to become too dependent on seeing each other daily. It wasn’t something either of them felt like they could uphold for the duration of this isolation - indefinitely.

It took Stella a few seconds to answer the call. ‘Gibson,’ she breathed, sounding slightly winded, clearly not having checked who was calling. ‘it’s me,’ Scully said slightly worried, somewhat confused. ‘Oh dammit,’ Stella cursed. ‘Sorry, Dana. I’ve been out.’ ‘That’s fine,’ Scully said, feeling relieved. ‘It’s good to get out. Were you running?’ Stella swallowed, still seemingly catching her breath. ‘Yeah. Seems like a good way to stay away from people now that I can’t swim.’ Scully knew how much Stella enjoyed swimming. She’d been abandoned in bed for a pool more than once. Stella’s relationship to the water was a strange one, one she would never understand – dangerous, it was, but deep and unconditional. Stella belonged in the water. ‘I’m sorry you can’t swim right now,’ Scully said earnestly. She heard Stella rustle around. ‘Is this a good time? I can call back.’ ‘No, no,’ Stella replied quickly, ‘I’m just getting ready to take a shower later but until then I’m all yours.’

‘How was work?’ Dana dared to ask. She knew Stella didn’t like talking about herself in these times, but she had to, at some point. ‘Work,’ Stella deadpanned. ‘I’ll be surprised if I don’t end up killing anyone one of these days.’ Scully chuckled. ‘That I can relate to. People seem to disregard the rules a lot more than is absolutely necessary.’ ‘I don’t think it’s necessary to disregard the rules at all,’ Stella pointed out, ‘They’re there for a reason. We should stand together, not go after our own interests only. I feel like that’s the big lesson we’re learning here.’ Scully smiled to herself, she’d been trying all day to tell people this exact thing. ‘You have no idea how much I want everyone to understand that,’ she whispered, and Stella heard her sincerity and all its weight. ‘I shouldn’t complain,’ Stella stated not for the first time during their conversations. ‘Listen, Stel,’ Scully sighed, ‘We’re all going through this in our own ways. If you need to tell me about who you’re planning to kill, please do. I’ll let you know I’ve been trying not to kill my superiors at the hospital. One of them told me I couldn’t donate blood because I’m working with the patients but Stel… I’m healthy, I’m more protected than any of the people donating from outside the hospital, and half of them aren’t donating at the moment. It’s a mess.’

‘I get that, though,’ Stella said seriously. ‘And I really wouldn’t want you to donate either. Keep yourself safe. I know others need that blood but you’re doing everything you can at the moment, love. Don’t ever doubt that.’ ‘I’m not,’ Scully swallowed heavily, ‘I know there’s nothing I can do. We need to follow the rules.’ ‘Yes,’ Stella’s velvety voice sounded softer now, less breathy, more focused. ‘I didn’t tell you about the supermarket yesterday, did I.’ Scully adjusted her position on the sofa, interest piqued. ‘You did not. Listen, if it sucked you don’t have to talk about it. We need to keep each other going. I want to be here for you to make your day a bit better, not worse.’ ‘You could never,’ Stella murmured, and Dana believed her instantly because it worked both ways. ‘It was honestly fine up until the moment I got to the registers. There’s so much plastic, Dana… They’re trying to minimize all contact, which I understand, but it feels alien somehow. Like we’re in a decontamination chamber.’ Dana’s brain flashed on the times she’d been there, afraid, cold, and she knew immediately what Stella must have felt. ‘Oh Stel,’ she said, ‘That’s awful.’ Stella paused and Scully heard her shift around before she finally continued. ‘I had a panic attack.’

Silence ran deeply between them until Stella looked at her screen. Video call.

She pressed the button and Dana’s sweet, worried face appeared before her. ‘I needed to see you,’ she said apologetically. ‘I’m so sorry that happened.’ Stella smiled weakly, not really happy Dana called to see her because she looked a mess and the impact of the panic attack on her mental state was written clearly in the dark lines of her face. ‘I got through it,’ she said, her voice betraying all of the things she would have liked to have kept hidden. The blush on her face was partially from her run, but not in the least from the memories of yesterday that had quickly boiled to the surface in all their constrictive, thick choking fullness. ‘If that happens again you call me,’ Scully said earnestly. ‘I mean it, Stella. You call me.’

‘I don’t need you to guide me through a fucking shopping session,’ Stella hissed, mostly at herself. ‘I’m an adult and this should not be a problem.’ ‘It happens for a reason,’ Scully explained softly, not at all phased by Stella’s defensiveness. ‘Something triggered it, it’s not your fault or something that shouldn’t happen. It just does. Next time, if you want to, you call me. I’ll talk to you, take your mind off of things.’ Stella nodded into the camera. ‘It went away as I started reviewing everyone’s shopping list, I’ve dealt with attacks like these all my life so I know how to handle them. I just felt weak having to deal with this shit during a global pandemic.’ ‘It’s no different now than it was a month ago,’ Scully noted. ‘Pandemic or not, your brain deals with things in its own unique way and it will continue to do so.’ Stella smiled at her, deeply grateful for Scully’s slightly distanced knowledge. ‘You are right, of course. And thank you.’

‘Call me, next time,’ Scully urged.

‘Yes sir,’ Stella winked at her before licking her lips. ‘I’m going to take a shower. I stink.’

‘I’m sure you smell wonderful,’ Scully winked back. ‘But I’ll let you get to it.’ She knew Stella was deflecting. She’d allow it. For now. But only because the look in Stella’s eye betrayed she was fully aware that she was not getting away with this.

‘All right, call me tomorrow?’ Scully said. ‘On time, please?’

‘You run a tight ship,’ Stella groaned as she got up from her couch. Scully watched how she shook her hair out of its ponytail. ‘Don’t you forget it,’ she replied. Stella smirked at her and walked up the stairs. ‘Good night, Dana.’

Scully smiled and the screen went black.

Stella took a long shower, scrubbing every bit of sweat and shame away from her skin down the drain of her English bathroom. When she got out of the shower she saw the flashing light on her phone indicating a message.

Call me. – Dana.


	5. Day Five

The next day Dana found herself overwhelmed with emotions the second she laid eyes on her partner. ‘Hello,’ Stella said, her voice gravely with exhaustion. It was late, but Stella looked like she was nowhere near ready to go to bed. ‘Hi,’ Scully smiled sweetly, ‘what are you doing? It’s so late.’ ‘I was going insane sitting at home so I got of my arse.’ Stella’s voice sounded tired but soft, satisfied, like she’d been directing her negative energy towards something good and the glow of that good had encompassed her in its golden hue of warmth. ‘You look good,’ Scully commented. Stella scoffed.

‘So… this getting of your arse, what did it entail?’ Scully wondered. ‘I’m refurbishing,’ Stella stated proudly. ‘I’ve wanted to do that for absolute ages and never had the time. But Dana, I just never made the time. No time just means no desire. And I desired to work today. I needed to do manual labor of some kind and it’d been ages but I thoroughly enjoyed it.’ ‘I bet,’ Scully grinned, only now noticing the smear of paint on Stella’s bandana that was holding her hair back. ‘Like I said, you look good.’

Stella’s hair was held back by a red bandana, her face was completely bare of make-up and flushed slightly pink in physical exertion. Scully thought back to all the times she’d seen Stella’s workout blush – often it’d been her that had caused it, and many of those times she’d felt Stella’s glowy cheeks between her hands and kissed her soft, warm lips when she looked like this. Stella’s cream colored T-shirt was knotted in front, she observed as Stella put her phone down and sat up on the couch behind her. She looked off to the side and Scully saw her perfect form, and her arms ached to fit her curves into Scully’s. ‘I’ve been painting,’ Stella explained as she picked some pieces of dried paint chips from her fingers. ‘I think you’d like it.’ ‘I’m sure I will,’ Scully agreed, ‘tell me what you’re doing.’

‘I want to hear how you are first.’ Stella said. Scully shook her head lightly. ‘Today I want to talk about you. No more worrying about the hospital.’ Stella pursed her lips and looked down and Scully saw worry cross her face anyway. It was starting to become a permanent resident there, etched into the lines of Stella’s smile, darkening her eyes with unspoken words of care and hope. ‘All right,’ she conceded softly. ‘I’m redoing the bedroom.’ ‘So I guess I’m moving to London,’ Scully joke. ‘You do remember you’ve asked me to move in with you, right?’ They hadn’t talked much about the logistics. When, where, how and why were all questions for a future that felt far away. ‘I’m just keeping busy,’ Stella said and defensiveness involuntarily lined her voice, but she caught it. ‘But yes, if you do decide to move in with me here then I’m certain you will love it.’ ‘I want to see,’ Scully said. ‘Show me, so I can feel like I’m there.’ Stella shook her head, a playful smile quickly replacing the tension on her cheeks. ‘No, no, you can’t. It’s a mess.’

‘Once you’re done, then.’

‘Dana…’

‘I wanna see,’ Scully continued. ‘I didn’t know you were into interior design and now I want to see how good you are. You have an amazing eye.’ Stella smirked. ‘I do have an eye for beauty,’ she purred. ‘I appreciate it. And I don’t like being kept away from it. So I’m creating my own.’ Scully frowned with a tiny, shy smile. ‘I hope you don’t mean me because there’s nothing beautiful about me at the moment. And don’t say that’s bull. I feel gross, tired, and all I want is curl up on that couch with you.’ ‘I was thinking the exact same thing,’ Stella smiled, ‘And your eyes answer your own question.’ Scully pursed her lips. ‘Hmmm.’ Stella shrugged. ‘You look good,’ she mirrored Scully’s earlier statement. ‘You may not feel it, and it might not make a difference in this bloody world, but there is nothing more I’d want to do right now than transport you through whatever space and time is between us and hold you close to me.’ Scully sighed deeply, gathering and releasing any and all tension that was left from the day. ‘Sit with me and chat for a while,’ she asked. Her voice sounded small and weak and Stella suppressed the surge of worry that coursed through her body. ‘Any time,’ she said.

‘Tell me everything you’re doing to that room.’

‘Well… You know the side table?’

Scully nodded. ‘The one I kind of took over?’

Stella nodded. ‘Gone.’

Scully breathed out a laugh. ‘Of course you would throw that out.’

They chatted like that for nearly an hour, going back and forth on Stella’s ideas of her new bedroom. They avoided the things that had darkened their days, because just seeing each other melted away any clouds that had been hanging around them. Scully sunk low into the couch, and Stella watched how her eyes grew heavy. Even though it was barely evening in Scully’s time Stella knew her days must be increasingly hard. She worried, a lot, but she tried not to let it show – at least for today. Maybe tomorrow they’d have a serious talk. Or maybe…


	6. Day Six

On day 6 Stella was late again. Scully hated the stinging wave of worry that weaved its way down her spine, encompassing her heart while her brain told her there could be an ocean of reasons why Stella wasn’t answering. Her brain won and she put down her phone, deciding to wait a few minutes before being the clingy one and calling again. Her legs wanted to pace, but her muscles were tired from running around all day – she’d picked up an extra shift, the second one this week, and all she’d been thinking about was how she’d at least get to see Stella again if only she made it through this. Her mind had been wandering to Stella’s beige bedroom walls, the secrets those walls held, everything they’d seen and everything they’d touched and how Stella was currently painting that over – new beginnings. Sometimes it takes an end to create a beginning.

Scully kicked off her shoes and threw on a sweater. She marched into the kitchen to make some tea, not wine, because she’d been drinking wine every evening since this thing started and she didn’t want it to become a habit – some habits weren’t of the good kind. Just as she was pouring the boiling water into her cup, her phone rang.

She answered it and the screen opened to a close-up image of Stella’s face. Scully could see the soft light of Stella’s house reflect off the skin underneath her eyes. She saw the flicker of recognition in Stella’s brightly colored iris and nostalgia flung its way through her. The first thing Stella saw was a furrowing of Dana’s brow, and alas, a glistening haze slowly setting in her eyes. ‘Hi,’ Stella whispered as she felt Dana’s emotion reflect itself against the mirror of her soul. Dana swallowed. ‘Hey. Sorry, I…’ Stella shook her head. ‘Don’t apologize. I want to show you something. I finished the room.’ ‘Already?’ Scully’s eyes widened. ‘That’s incredible, Stella.’

Stella raised her eyebrows in mock indifference, a Stella move which Scully had quickly learned to separate from genuine disinterest as they were two completely different Stella’s. ‘Wasn’t a big deal. But I would like to show you. If you’re ready, that is.’ ‘Ready?’ Dana questioned, her curiosity sparked and her mind immediately and gratefully grasping on the distraction Stella’s image was offering. ‘It’s quite the change,’ Stella said, trying to conceal her own excitement at her little plan. Scully smiled at her through the phone, seeing right through Stella’s thinly veiled excitement. ‘Show me,’ Scully asked. She took her tea to the couch and propped her phone on the table, sat back and cradled her cup between her hands. ‘I’m ready.’

Stella raised her chin at her, something they’d come to associate with an amicable challenge. A lover’s contest, if you will – I’ll show you what I can make you feel. Or – I dare you to feel. ‘All right,’ Stella hummed as she ascended the stairs to her bedroom. Scully smiled inwardly, because Stella was still holding the phone close to her face – were her muscles sore from working all day? God, she wished she could give Stella a massage. One of those long, intense ones, with oily skin and scented candles – one that ended with her body on top of Stella’s and nothing in between, no pretense, no disguise. That wasn’t going to happen, not anytime soon, she scolded her longing mind. She was about to ask Stella if her arms were sore when Stella reached the door to her refurbished bedroom. ‘Close your eyes,’ she whispered. Scully frowned. ‘Stel…’ ‘Just go with it, Dana,’ Stella smiled. ‘Humor me.’ Scully sighed and complied.

Stella stepped into her room, the new, peaceful sanctuary she’d built mostly for herself but fully intended to share with Dana, be it in this home or in the next. Satisfied, she let her eyes roam the space and allowed it to calm her like she hoped it would calm Dana. ‘Okay,’ she said softly, turning towards the door and holding her phone a little further away. ‘You may look.’

Scully’s eyelids fluttered open and her mouth opened in a quiet sigh.

Stella had angled her phone to capture both herself and the room behind her, and Scully was looking straight at her idea of heaven. Stella’s loose, slightly messy hair hung loosely on her satin-clad shoulders. A soft pink robe barely stood apart from the peachy tone of Stella’s skin and Scully recognized it – she knew that robe. It was her favorite.

When her eyes finally dared to wander past Stella’s beauty she laid her eyes upon more brilliance. The tones she’d come to subconsciously associate with her lover had come to life behind her, in a room that spoke only of love and care. Soft sand tones were combined with light pink and peachy cream, all deeply classy, all elegant and above all - Stella. Dana watched how Stella flipped the camera to a huge mirror on the wall next to the door. It held her image, a full body shot of a goddess in her heaven – floating on a cloud, but a cloud rooted firmly in reality. ‘I kept the lamp,’ Stella pointed to the tall white lamp in the corner. Scully shook her head lightly, unable to form a proper response to the care she felt. ‘What do you think?’ Stella inquired innocently, running a hand through her hair as she showed Scully the reflections of the room through the mirror – and with it, herself. Scully saw how a small smile snuck its way into Stella’s up until now closely guarded expression, and she couldn’t help but return it. ‘It’s perfect,’ she whispered. ‘I don’t know what to say. I’m touched.’ ‘It’s my house,’ Stella teased, ‘I get to do with it whatever I want. Nothing inanimate in here is yours to be touched by.’ ‘Is that so,’ Dana teased through the cloudy tears filling her eyes, a smile playing in liquid along the edges of her waterline. ‘Actually, that’s not true,’ Stella said, flipping the camera back on herself as she sat down gracefully on the crisp white linen of her bed. She seemed to consider her next sentence for a moment before reaching into the bedside table on one side – Dana’s side.

Dana watched with a frown on her face and a single tear running a track down her cheek as Stella’s hand came back into view, holding a small envelope that looked flat, but heavy on one side. ‘You know what this is,’ Stella said. ‘I’m not going to say it. I’m going to keep it here, in this drawer, until you come and get it.’ One hand involuntarily touched Scully’s lips, pressing against them, trying to hold in the sob that was tearing its way from Dana’s heart. Finally, Scully gave in and her lips opened in a quiet gasp. ‘Dammit, Stella,’ she managed, another tear rolling freely after the first.

Stella just sat there, smiling at her, the golden light in the room reflecting warmly off her shining curls and the curve of her shoulder. She said nothing, for a long while, and the silence was strong enough to carry their mutual emotions all the way across seas, defying pandemics and closed borders as it went.

‘As soon as I am able,’ Scully finally whispered. ‘As soon as you feel able,’ Stella amended.

The smile Scully gave her meant much more than a simple I love you. It said thank you. Thank you for understanding. For meeting my needs even if they do not meet yours, even if you would rather tell me off, yell at me or cry with me but you don’t. Thank you for not letting me down. Ever.


	7. Day Seven

It was around noon when Dana got the text. It had a picture, one of Stella’s bed and a cup of tea. ‘I’m having a bad day, I’m turning in early. I love you.’

She decided right then and there that Stella was her priority. She’d been working an early shift, was set to leave by three and quickly calculating time differences in her head she knew it was early enough for Stella to still be awake. As soon as she got to her car she dialed Stella’s number, deciding to talk to her on the way home. She’d give Stella her privacy, but she did need to hear her voice.

As soon as she heard it she knew Stella had been crying. The name that meant so much more than its six simple letters rolled of her lover’s tongue, roughly, shaky.

‘Are you all right?’ Dana asked softly, not even bothering to say hi or enlighten Stella with her name. Stella paused, the air between them immediately thick and dark. ‘Yes,’ Stella said, and Dana’s heart dropped. She’d have taken any answer over the simple ‘yes.’

‘Did you get my text?’ Stella asked, clearly inquiring instead of accusing. Scully sighed and decided to tell the truth. ‘Yes. I was worried.’ She heard Stella exhale and compose herself, and she imagined what she looked like right now. In bed, in pajamas, tucked against the headboard with a book or her laptop. Her hair down, her face bare. Eyes slightly red from crying, but determined and dry. ‘I’m okay,’ Stella said, and Dana noted how much effort Stella put into making it sound at least a little bit like the truth. ‘I have a headache but I’m okay.’ Scully hummed. A headache meant nothing, but it was extremely unlike Stella to admit to it so easily. ‘Did you take something?’ Scully asked carefully. ‘Scotch,’ Stella groaned. ‘Don’t mix that with painkillers, Stel,’ Dana warned. ‘You know you shouldn’t do that.’

‘You’re not my mother, Dana.’

Scully nodded to herself. Silence.

‘Still happy with the room?’ Scully tried. ‘I’m really not in the mood for small talk,’ Stella admitted clearly, ‘You can tell me about your day if you want, I would like to hear that.’

Scully sniffed. ‘I just got into my car. I’ll put you on hands-free mode, I can talk while I drive.’

She almost saw Stella’s smirk. ‘I’m never on hands-free mode, love,’ Stella joked. ‘I’m glad,’ Scully shot back as she started to drive. ‘Come on,’ Stella continued, and Dana heard the shuffling around of blankets or pillows. ‘Tell me about work.’ Scully sighed. ‘I’m really not sure you’ll want to hear,’ she said. ‘I asked for it, didn’t I?’ Stella said and Dana heard the yawn in her voice. ‘You’re tired, I shouldn’t have called,’ she said softly. ‘You don’t get to hang up on me now,’ Stella said resolutely. ‘Not when I’m starting to realize your voice is what I missed all along.’

Scully smiled and she wished Stella could see. ‘All right,’ she conceded, ‘But tell me if you want me to stop.’ Stella just hummed in agreement. ‘Well,’ Dana started, ‘I actually had an okay day. There’s a lot of research being done, it’s relatively safe…’ She told Stella about the different setups in the hospital, the arrivals wing, triage, and the kinds of research they were doing. She also told her about the wonderful things people had been doing to support the hospitals – flowers, postcards, chocolates, a lot was being done by thankful civilians to keep the health workers in good spirits. Stella listened, heard it all, and felt increasingly and infinitely grateful for Scully in every way possible. Pride burst out of her chest when she thought of the work her girlfriend was doing. Dana’s voice soothed her to no end, because truth be told she’d been worried sick all day having heard the news and having seen some statistics about Dana’s part of the world. She needed Dana to tell her she was okay. That way, she could be okay too.

‘Stella?’ Dana asked after a while. ‘Are you still awake?’

‘Yes,’ Stella rasped and as she wiped her cheek on her t-shirt she realized she’d been quietly crying while listening to Dana’s stories. ‘I’m here,’ she confirmed, and this time there was no hiding her emotions. ‘Don’t cry,’ Scully said softly. ‘I promise I’m okay.’ ‘I saw the news,’ Stella said. ‘Oh no, don’t listen to that,’ Dana implored, ‘Please, Stella, listen to me. Don’t focus on the negativity. I’m okay for now, I really am. It’s hard, but I’m not alone, and I have you to talk to every single night of this pandemic and we’ll make it through, together.’ Stella sniffed and dried her tears. She swallowed the lump in her throat and steadied her breath. She paused for a moment.

Dana wondered if Stella was okay. Was she crying? From sadness, wistfulness, loneliness? What was it? Then, finally, Stella’s voice reached her again – a little stronger than before, albeit just as vulnerable and soft and Scully’s heart clenched as it remembered this voice. It was the voice of Stella putting aside her needs, fears and boundaries in order to meet Scully’s. That special timbre that was reserved for one person only and that person received her loud and clear as she turned her car onto the highway. ‘Talk to me a while longer,’ Stella requested.

And Dana did. She told her everything. From the breakfast she’d had at work to the little girl she’d treated, from the moment Stella had texted her to the second she’d decided to call. They talked, or Scully talked and Stella quietly listened and affirmed, chuckled and hummed as both of them healed – together, yet an ocean apart.

Still, when Scully told Stella she loved her and Stella said it back, softly, she felt sadness encase her wildly beating heart. ‘Dana?’ ‘Yeah?’ Dana answered.

‘I’m sorry I thought talking to you would do anything but immensely heal me. And thank you for ignoring my request.’ Dana chuckled. ‘Don’t be sorry. And I hope you feel better soon. I’ll see you tomorrow.’

‘Yes, tomorrow.’


	8. Day Eight

‘You know what day it is?’ Stella inquired.

She and Dana had been talking for a few minutes, exchanging pleasantries, making sure the other was okay. It had become somewhat of a system by this point. Dana’s main concern had been the headache that had tormented Stella yesterday but Stella had assured her it was gone, even though she still felt a dull ache in her temples she was sure it was nothing worth worrying Dana with. Stella had told Dana about her new exercise regime and they’d been chatting until Stella’s heart felt too full to ignore the facts any longer.

‘Yes,’ Dana responded in a way that made Stella shiver. Stella watched the screen in front of her as every human emotion crossed Dana’s face in a matter of a second, until finally it landed on something close to resignation. ‘You were supposed to be here today.’ Stella smiled weakly but her right eyebrow betrayed her true feelings to Dana, it always did. ‘It’s okay, Stella, we’ll get another chance.’ Stella remained quiet, the endless possibilities that had been today running through her like an electrical current. She caught her heavy head in her hands, leaning her elbows on her coffee table as she felt like she wanted to sink into the crevices of her hard wood floor. ‘I can’t stop thinking about it.’

‘About what?’ Dana asked, not because she didn’t know but because she knew it would help Stella to vocalize it. Stella sighed and looked at her, her face lined with a combination of wonderful memories and deeply painful what-ifs. Sella’s mind, however, soared right past the answer Dana had anticipated and into the scorching darkness of her most intense fear.

‘What if we never see each other again?’ Stella finally asked after a moment of deafening quiet. ‘And don’t tell me we will because there are no certainties, Dana, just chances and our chances are diminishing every day we spend apart.’ Dana’s chin dropped and she bit her lip. Stella continued. ‘I have a lot of regrets in my life, many of which involve things I have never done with you or told you yet. I’m afraid I’ve had my chances.’ Dana stayed quiet, because she didn’t know what to say. She could offer no support that Stella would accept at this time. So she just sat, breathed quietly and watched as Stella’s brain worked to form her thoughts into things she could say. ‘I’m afraid I will wake up one day and you’ll be gone,’ she said quietly. ‘There’s darkness in this world, Dana, and I know you’ve seen it too. Dana just nodded. ‘So much is uncertain,’ Stella continued. ‘And I feel utterly helpless not being able to move.’ Scully sighed and swept her hair away from her face. ‘It’s not up to me to promise you the future,’ she said truthfully. Stella looked at her, her eyes blue and confident, but deeply turbulent as well. Scully knew this look – it demanded her full and unwavering honesty. ‘But I can promise you that I’ll do everything I can to see you again. I’m not ready to give up on you.’ She allowed her lips to curl into a tiny smile, which Stella returned. However she remained quiet, her eyes just searching Dana’s image for something to hang on to, and Dana allowed it – she had nothing to give but her image and her voice.

‘Tell me you’ll be okay,’ Scully said after a while.

‘It’s not me I’m worried about,’ Stella rasped, a hint of anger in her voice. She’d said this before. Dana pursed her lips and looked away before returning her reddening eyes to the screen. Stella frowned, her forehead trembling as she took in Dana’s emotion. ‘Don’t cry,’ Stella implored, her voice suddenly soft like an angel, ‘I’m sorry.’ Scully looked at her and breathed slowly. ‘We’re very likely to be infected, Stella. Especially being around a lot of untested patients every day I’m at high risk. I think we should be honest with ourselves and prepare for the fact that one of us will get sick. And when we do… We’ll have each other, we’ll talk, we’ll make plans, and when this is over we’ll get to execute every single one of those plans.’

Stella’s eyebrows raised with a small smile and she looked at Dana through hooded eyes. ‘I’ve already started making a list of things I want to do and places I want to go. Together.’ Dana returned her smile. ‘That’s not unhealthy escapism or avoidance, Stella. That’s looking forward and I need someone to do that with me.’

‘I’ll be here,’ Stella rubbed her hand over the top of her couch. ‘I’ll be here on your good days, on your bad, whether you need me to talk or to listen. Just don’t be silly. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, not without me by your side.’ They looked at each other for a few seconds, wordless, both of them slowly letting Stella’s words sink in. Dana knew that if roles were reversed Stella would be out there too. And Stella knew it.

‘Leave some things for the future,’ Dana smiled after a few seconds, breaking the growing tension between them. Neither of them needed a serious relationship conversation right now. Stella looked down before running her hand through her hair. Dana watched how it fell back into her face in the same perfect curl as before. Some things stay the same.

Stella laid her hand across her heart. ‘I will, when you promise to be safe and call me again tomorrow.’

‘Deal,’ Scully said, subconsciously mirroring Stella’s gesture. ‘Stel?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Think of me tonight.’


	9. Day Nine

No video call.

Stella felt her spirits drop as soon as she saw Dana’s message, she’d be doing on paperwork in her office until later and would have no privacy to start a video call. However, as soon as the first wave of disappointment left Stella’s body she felt something else fill her veins – excitement. She wanted to think of something special to do for Dana. As little sparkles set her brain on fire she thought of all the possibilities. She could tell her stories, do a little bit of distracting ASMR. Read her something. Or… Stella flushed involuntarily as she thought of the one thing she’d only recently revealed to her girlfriend – she could sing to her.

As soon as the thought came full circle in her brain it settled itself there, firmly, unwilling to move until she accepted it. ‘All right,’ she muttered to her own stubborn self, and she went to find a glass – she’d need some alcohol for sure if she was going to survive this.

It wasn’t that she was insecure. No, Stella knew she could sing, it was just something she rarely did and definitely never with an audience. Then again, Dana was the only audience she’d ever want to perform anything for. It was such a vulnerable thing, a baring of one’s soul in a way Stella should be uncomfortable with according to her own rules. But they were in isolation. All bets were off. There were no rules.

She poured herself a glass of whiskey and toyed with the idea of filming it for Dana and sending it. The thought flew away again as quickly as it had landed, no, she wanted to sing to her live. Hear her reaction, if any, but above all make sure she heard it. Also, she’d never forget Dana’s reaction the first time she’d sung to her, and Stella hoped to get something close to that again and she didn’t want to be waiting for it. She needed to hear it as soon as it happened.

Then the next dilemma entered her brain, and little by little she started to regret her idea and curse her brain for its unwanted creativity. ‘What fucking song?’ she muttered to herself. There were so many options. So many lyrics that meant something, that she loved, hated, so many songs that guided her and formed her that she could attempt and sing to Dana. She glanced at her record collection and her eyes landed on one title. It was a jazz song, one she could easily sing without music to accompany her, and it didn’t scare her as much as anything else she could come up with – although a shiver ran through her as she recited the lyrics in her head.

Then, the waiting started. Stella reconsidered, scratched the idea, reconsidered again when she thought of Dana’s situation and how much she must be feeling but cleverly concealing from Stella every single day. Stella knew it, had seen it in the depth of Dana’s eyes but she hadn’t pushed. Not yet. It’d find its way out eventually, it always did, and Stella just promised herself, and Dana too, quietly, that when it did come out she’d be there to catch Dana. The only thing she could do was be there. Show up in whichever way she could.

Stella texted Dana to call her whenever it suited her best, there was no need to wait until their scheduled time if they weren’t going to see each other, and Dana texted back saying she’d do so in a few minutes. Stella laughed at her own nerves, finding them curious and unwanted as well as a powerful motivator. She contemplated changing, but decided to stick to her blouse and leggings – quarantine chic, she called it. Fancy on top, comfortable on the bottom.

Before she could change her mind again her phone rang. Dana.

‘Hi,’ Stella said. ‘How are you?’

‘Still at work,’ Dana sighed, ‘Paperwork. So much paperwork. And I have to teach a virtual class next week, no idea how I’m going to do that on top of everything, but I guess I’ll figure it out.’

‘I know you will. And if you need my help, I’ve been doing video meetings for a week now. I’ve just learned how to change my background this morning.’

Dana smiled. ‘What did you change it to?’

Stella hummed. ‘Van Gogh’s almond blossom,’ she said. ‘George said it suits my eyes.’

George was a new officer, one who thought he had a chance with Stella, and they’d been spending more time than they should have analyzing his alpha male behavior. ‘What’d you tell him?’ Scully chuckled. ‘I told him red was more my color,’ Stella answered. ‘He disagreed.’

Stella heard Scully exhale. ‘It’s good to hear your voice,’ Scully said. ‘I’m sorry I can’t see you.’

‘That’s all right,’ Stella said, feeling butterflies in her stomach. ‘I have something for you. Are you alone?’ ‘Yeah,’ Scully said, her voice slightly suspicious. ‘What do you have?’ ‘Shh,’ Stella shushed her as she adjusted her position on the chair she’d sat down on. She straightened her back and breathed in and out steadily a few times. ‘Just listen,’ she said.

‘Okay,’ Dana said, and Stella heard the anticipation in her voice. She inhaled and tested the first tune.

_Give me a kiss to build a dream on - and my_

_Imagination will thrive upon that kiss_

_Sweetheart I ask no more than this, a kiss to build a dream on_

_Give me a kiss before you leave me and my_

_Imagination will feed my hungry heart…_

Stella listened carefully as she heard Scully move around and her door open. Someone asked her something. ‘It’s my partner,’ she heard, ‘My… Girlfriend.’

Stella swallowed and stopped singing for a moment. She didn’t know if Scully had admitted that to anyone in her professional life, and here she was, openly saying it on a bad day and Stella felt herself swell with pride. She almost forgot where she’d ended the song, and then Dana’s call came in – a video call. Stella accepted it and propped her phone up on a few books as she slid down onto the floor.

‘I thought you couldn’t see me,’ Stella said softly, the dazzling smile on her face giving away everything she could not say.

‘Shh, finish the song,’ Dana whispered and Stella saw the sparkle on Dana’s cheek where a tear had run its course.

Stella swallowed and cleared her throat before continuing.

_Leave me one thing before we part, a kiss to build a dream on_

_When I'm alone with my fancies, I'll be with you_

_Weaving romances, making believe they're true_

_Give me your lips for just a moment and my_

_Imagination will make that moment live_

_Give me what you alone can give, a kiss to build a dream on._

Stella’s voice broke and her lip quivered, and Dana mirrored her emotion. ‘Stella,’ she just muttered, and Stella shook her head lightly. Dana smiled at her, a sparkling smile full of love and music and symphony and Stella smiled with her – there it is, she thought. You brought the music back to me. That’s why I love singing to you. You are the melody to my life.

‘So,’ Stella finally said, having swallowed down the lump in her throat to where she could at least talk. ‘So,’ Scully rasped, and she cleared her throat. ‘I couldn’t let you do that without seeing you. Your eyes when you sing, Stella… They’re amazing.’ ‘I’m glad you like my eyes at least,’ Stella feigned annoyance, ‘I’m so happy that’s the thing you focus on.’ ‘Not the only thing,’ Scully assured her. ‘But I know there are things you don’t say, Stel. And I can read them so clearly in your eyes.’

‘And in the song, I hope,’ Stella whispered. ‘You remember our last kiss, don’t you.’

‘Of course, Scully breathed. ‘That’s not something one forgets.’ Stella felt her heart overflow in steady waves of love for the woman in front of her, all business, hair up in a fiery red ponytail in an office somewhere across the North Atlantic – her partner, her girlfriend.

‘Well,’ Scully groaned, ‘You just made my day bearable. Thank you.’ Stella shook her head lightly. ‘I’ve wanted to do that ever since I last sang to you. I just never had the right opportunity and today seemed like the perfect chance.’ Scully smiled at her and Stella saw how tired she really looked. ‘I’m going to let you get back to work. Go home on time, Dana. Get some sleep.’ ‘I look that terrible, huh,’ Dana sighed. ‘Not at all, stop that,’ Stella chastised her, ‘But we need you to save the world. So you need to take care of yourself.’ Dana raised her eyebrows and rolled her eyes. ‘Dana… Promise,’ Stella warned her. ‘Send me a picture when you go home.’ Scully sighed. ‘All right, I promise. Thank you, Stel. You have a wonderful voice.’ Stella closed her eyes and cocked her head in a mini-bow. ‘It’s yours any time you want it.’

‘Tomorrow,’ Dana said resolutely. ‘I want it tomorrow.’

‘And you’ll have it,’ Stella whispered, ‘and any other day of your life.’


	10. Day Ten

Dana felt it as soon as she woke up.

Her throat felt dry, rough, and just not healthy. She felt sweat on her forehead and shivered, and her brain ran through twenty hypothetical scenarios before she’d even taken her second breath of her day.

All right, she thought. First things first. Get up. Get dressed. Check your temp. Call work.

She wasn’t stressed. But she knew she had to act, fast, responsibly and wisely if this was what she feared it might be.

After calling the hospital and notifying them of her symptoms she breathed in, out. In again. They’d told her to come in for a test later today. She knew she should call Stella. They’d promised each other that and she never wanted to break any promise she made to the love of her life – especially not one that she feared Stella might not keep herself if their roles were reversed. ‘Okay,’ she said to herself. ‘Just call her. It could be nothing.’ As soon as that thought left her mouth she found herself backtracking – she’d go and get tested this afternoon, there was no harm in waiting until she had the results later on tomorrow, right? What if it was nothing and she put Stella through the stress of waiting? Scully felt a headache come up to accompany her fever and sat down on her sofa, a cup of tea in hand. Dammit, she thought to herself. All the precautions in the world, and still I get sick.

You don’t know that, her brain told her. Could be a common cold.

Could not be.

The shot of fear and uncertainty that ran through her decided her next move – she wasn’t alone in this. Stella was there for her, she always was, and she deserved to know. Even if it was nothing – that would just give them a reason to celebrate and it’d give her an opportunity to see Stella really smile. And her smiles were so rare as of late.

Scully retrieved her phone, opened a few supportive messages from members of her team who’d undoubtedly heard through the grapevine, texted them back and then dialed Stella’s number. She quickly checked the clock to see if Stella would still be working – and she realized too late that yes, she might be. Stella picked up almost immediately and Scully felt herself get sick with nerves. ‘Gibson.’

‘Hi Stella, it’s me,’ she started. ‘Dana, hi, I’m in a conference call. Hold on.’

‘No, don’t leave that for me,’ Dana tried to get out from under the weight of her own decision. ‘Don’t be silly,’ Stella said seriously, ‘just a second.’

Scully heard Stella move around and type something before she heard her voice softly tell her zoom members she’d be back. ‘All right, I’m all yours,’ Stella’s voice sounded softly through the phone. ‘They can do without me for a minute.’

‘Sorry to bother you while you’re working,’ Dana muttered sincerely. She knew this gave away the gravity of her call because they did have a time set for tonight. They hadn’t exactly been consistent in their appointments though and Scully hoped Stella would dismiss it as just another one of those days instead of worrying too much right away. She was wrong. ‘Are you okay?’ Stella’s voice was steady, but not stable as Dana detected a deep tremble running through the edges of it. ‘Don’t worry, Stella,’ she replied. ‘That’s not what I asked,’ Stella responded deeply. ‘I know,’ Dana sighed.

‘I’ll ask you again,’ Stella’s voice sounded concerned but soft. ‘Are you okay.’

Scully smiled to herself as she felt tears well up in her eyes. ‘Dammit,’ she cursed softly, because she hadn’t been emotional about it all morning – it was Stella’s concern and the weight of what she was about to put on Stella’s shoulders that made her finally break down. ‘I promise you it’s nothing,’ Scully began, ‘But I’m going to get tested this afternoon. I’ve developed symptoms.’

‘Jesus,’ Stella muttered, and the line went quiet for a few minutes.

‘Stella?’ Dana said softly after composing herself enough to talk about this in a calm, practical manner. ‘Sorry,’ Stella said, clearly trying to do the same but failing – something Stella never did. Her mask was out of practice, and Dana called it a victory as well as a worry because she never intended to crack Stella’s heart, however minor the breaks.

‘I’m okay, just a fever and a sore throat. The hospital is providing me with a test later this afternoon and I’ll have the result by this time tomorrow. Until then I’m to stay at home, rest and monitor my symptoms,’ Scully started to list her plan. ‘If it’s a negative I’m okay to go back to work. If not…’ Stella stopped her. ‘Dana, don’t.’

‘What do you mean?’ Scully asked, because she was genuinely confused. She couldn’t see Stella, and the more she heard just her voice and couldn’t hear everything Stella said with her expressions the more she felt deafened by loneliness. ‘Tell me what you need, not what you are told to do,’ Stella responded in a voice that Dana could indeed see as well as hear. She imagined Stella for a moment, half dressed up for work, half in her pajamas like she’d confessed to Dana earlier. Hair in perfect waves down her face, waves that could take and absorb almost anything and swallow it up before it reached their owner’s heart – except this. Dana heard the emotion. She heard Stella’s longing to be with her, to just hold her hand through this, and she yearned for the same but the facts were that they just could not. It was a feeling of desperation as well as freedom, freedom to feel, to long, to love, and Dana believed she could feel Stella’s heartbeat through their invisible, intangible connection as it beat loudly for her.

‘I need to talk to you again tonight,’ Dana stated softly. ‘I need to go take this test, make a cup of tea and see you tonight.’

‘Okay,’ Stella replied, an answer and a resolution as wholesome as a single word could be.

‘Okay,’ Scully repeated and she smiled to herself. Her tears had stopped. Her fear was gone, at least for the most part, and apparently so was Stella’s. ‘Call me if something changes,’ Stella said. ‘Anything. And do make yourself that cup of tea.’ Scully nodded to herself. ‘I will. Thank you for not panicking, Stella. I’ll be fine, I promise.’ Stella breathed. ‘Let’s see what the test results are. And Dana?’ ‘Yeah?’ Dana said, a smile already forming around her lips.

‘Thank you for telling me.’

‘It’s what we promised,’ Dana answered. ‘I’ll see you later.’ ‘Bye, Dana,’ Stella replied before she cut the connection.

Her hand trembled. Shock slowly made its way through Stella’s body and she felt a blush creep up her cheeks. ‘Fuck,’ she muttered to herself, and involuntarily she turned towards the mirror to her left. ‘Fuck, Dana.’


	11. Day Ten - part two

Four hours later Stella was the one to call Dana. After canceling the rest of her conference call claiming a personal emergency she’d used the rest of her time to investigate the disease. Everything she could find that wasn’t put out by a biased news outlet, any virologists she knew, a few doctors and a good friends PhD had served as her sources of information. However they hadn’t exactly calmed her nerves – they’d just provided more information, whether it be good or bad, and even though she felt prepared she didn’t feel comforted. Dana was healthy, she reminded herself. She was in excellent shape and she had access to the best health care. She was a doctor herself – as long as Dana wasn’t worried, she shouldn’t be.

But that was the point. Dana was worried, Stella had heard it. She’d tried to cover it, sure, by being practical and factual but the truth was that Dana Scully didn’t know what was happening to her body and how it would affect her. She could list symptoms and extrapolate facts. She could look at it from a medical point of view but that didn’t change the one thing they both could not get around – it was her body they were talking about. Not a patient. This concerned Dana Katherine Scully’s health, and even though Scully had joked to Stella that she was immortal plenty of times those jokes now seemed like dark comedy that should not have been mocked.

Stella waited for Dana to accept the call. It took longer than she wanted, longer than her confidence and composure held out – and when Scully appeared on Stella’s screen about four seconds later a watery smile was already melting down Stella’s worried face. ‘Dana,’ she whispered.

‘Stella, stop that, I’m fine honestly,’ Dana started, determined not to cry herself. She sounded better than earlier, Stella noted, and some of her worry dissipated. ‘Did you get the test?’ Stella asked. ‘Yes,’ Dana nodded, ‘and I’ll get the results tomorrow. I’m feeling okay, my fever hasn’t gone up.’ ‘You have a fever?’ Stella had guessed before, but to hear it confirmed was strangely grounding. ‘Yes,’ Scully said, ‘but like I said it’s okay for now. And I’m sure part of it is just stress.’ Stella chuckled in a sound that was part desperation, part disbelief. ‘You don’t develop a fever from being stressed,’ she pointed out. ‘Maybe you don’t,’ Scully licked her lips, ‘But I could. I’m not sure. I’m keeping an eye on it and that’s all I can do.’ ‘I read that you shouldn’t take ibuprofen based medication,’ Stella informed her. ‘I know, Stel,’ Scully smiled. ‘I’m a medical doctor.’

Stella pursed her lips and stood up from her chair to head into the kitchen. She poured herself a glass of wine, expertly opening the bottle by trapping it between her side and her biceps. ‘You look like you’ve done that before,’ Dana smiled. ‘I might have,’ Stella said, ‘But never with better company. Listen. I’ve been reading, and I read…’ Scully stopped her this time. ‘Let’s talk about something else,’ she said. ‘I don’t want to think about this fucking disease for a moment. We know nothing, it won’t help. Tell me about your day instead. How was the conference call? Did anything interesting happen?’ Stella bit her lip in contemplation of whether she was going to let Dana get away with this or not. She decided that distraction was probably the one thing that could cure Dana’s stress fever. ‘No one porn bombed the call, if that’s what you’re referring to,’ she said and watched Dana’s face break into that half ashamed, half naughty smile she loved so dearly. ‘Not what I meant, but okay,’ Scully said. ‘Let me know when they do. Screen record it or something.’ Stella nodded slowly. ‘Will do. We’ll launch an investigation together.’ ‘I’d like that,’ Scully contemplated. ‘I think we’d make a good team.’ ‘Hmm,’ Stella frowned, ‘I’m not so sure we’d get much work done.’ Scully raised her eyebrows in defense. ‘I can be very productive when I’m not distracted or dragged around,’ she said seriously. ‘Who said you’ll be the one being dragged around?’ Stella winked.

They chatted for a while, about nothing, mostly. Mundane things such as the weather, Stella’s run-in with the police on her trip to the supermarket, and Dana laughed out loud when Stella told the story of a young officer from her own team trying to tell her she wasn’t allowed out. ‘He’s handing out parking tickets for at least a year,’ Dana laughed. ‘Possibly,’ Stella mused, ‘although I have to say he was quite good-looking.’ ‘Six feet, Stella,’ Scully warned. ‘I’m pretty sure even you can’t have sex from six feet away.’ Stella shrugged dryly. ‘Might be worth a shot.’ ‘If you can do it from six feet away I’m sure we can do it across the ocean,’ Dana smiled.

Stella looked at Dana for a second beyond Dana’s comfort. ‘We haven’t tried that yet,’ she said softly. Dana’s eyes widened as Stella studied her. ‘Stel, I’ve never done that,’ she whispered. A soft ‘hmmm’ was Stella’s only reply.

Scully steered the conversation away from sex and back into casual chat territory, but every now and again Stella would look at her, leer at her and it would make her insides melt. She had thought about it. She’d even thought of building up the courage to ask Stella to video call from bed. But she never had, not yet, and to hear Stella talk about it as if it was something she did every day made her curious. So when they were about to say goodbye Dana paused, breathed steadily and took a chance. ‘So,’ she said softly, ‘Will you be calling me from bed anytime soon?’

Stella settled her burning eyes upon her. She blinked slowly and watched as Dana caught fire, a blush creeping up onto her cheeks and curling her lips into a smile that gave away exactly what this was doing to her. ‘Dammit,’ she cursed herself as she looked away, slightly embarrassed. ‘Only if you join me,’ Stella finally said. She watched how Scully took in her words, licked her lips, gathered her courage and finally met her eyes again. ‘Okay.’


	12. Day Eleven

The wait was long. Scully checked her phone time and time again, every five minutes she reached and looked to see if she had a message, a missed call, anything. Three times she saw a message from Stella, offering support, thinking of her, telling her she loved her and every time Scully missed her more. Then, another message from her girlfriend came through. ‘Do you have face masks in the house? Pampering session, tonight. 7PM your time.’ That’s all it said and Scully frowned, did a quick calculation in her brain and sighed. That was late for Stella, but she made the rules. Scully checked if she had supplies before texting back. ‘Enough face mask and wine to last for a few hours, if you can stay awake, that is,’ she texted back. Wink emoji. Stella didn’t reply at first.

Then: ‘No news yet?’

Scully started to type, but was interrupted by an incoming call. The hospital.

It was a short call. Tears streamed down Dana’s face as she hung up, but they weren’t tears of sadness. ‘Oh my God,’ she cursed to herself as she put down her phone and steadied herself against the kitchen counter. Negative. She didn’t have the virus, and even though having it wouldn’t have meant the end of the world it was still a much bigger relief than she’d anticipated feeling. She breathed in, out, steadily, trying to stop her involuntary tears and attempting to stop the tremble in her jaw before dialing Stella’s number.

‘Dana?’ Stella picked up. ‘It’s negative, I’m not sick,’ Scully said immediately, her voice hoarse but light in relief. Stella heard Dana’s tone before she heard the words and Dana heard her exhale, a wave of happiness spreading through both of them. Stella breathed. ‘That’s good, Dana, that’s good.’ ‘It is,’ Dana said cautiously, ‘But I can get infected every day, and so can you. Let’s be realistic about this.’

Scully heard Stella lick her lips. ‘You gave me quite a fright,’ Stella admitted quietly through the phone. ‘I’m so glad you’re okay for now.’ ‘Me too,’ Scully said equally hushed, because of course she was relieved. And they were allowed to be. ‘Are you still feeling ill?’ Stella asked.

‘I’m doing better. And I like your idea of a pampering session. That’s exactly what I need.’

‘All right, I’ll call you tonight then,’ Stella said. ‘You know what time.’

‘Stel, that’s quite late for you…’

‘I don’t care,’ Stella said clearly. ‘Just call me.’

Scully looked around her bathroom. It looked cozy enough she thought, she’d laid out a few pillows and taken her blanket from the bed into the nook next to her bath so she had something comfortable to sit on while she chatted with Stella. A generous glass of wine was waiting for Stella to call, Dana’s phone propped up against the bottle. Of course, Stella did not disappoint and she was not late. At exactly 7PM the video call came in.

‘You do realize we’re talking to each other a lot more than we usually would, don’t you,’ Stella’s voice sounded before her image popped up. When it did, before Dana could answer her, the smile that had crept up onto her face immediately fell down again as Dana’s chin dropped. ‘Holy shit,’ she cursed.

Stella was in her bathrobe, the silk, blush one. It covered her, but barely, and the messy bun on Stella’s head contradicted her posh and sexy attire in an utterly disarming fashion. ‘It’s just me, love,’ Stella grinned as she took a sip of her own glass of wine. ‘Your bathroom looks cozy.’ ‘So does yours,’ Scully commented, looking at however little she could see. ‘Do I see candles?’

‘Oh yes,’ Stella hummed, ‘I made quite the scene.’ Scully watched how Stella put her phone down on something and took a step back. She held out her arms and swirled around in her bathroom, which was small but elegant and completely Stella. ‘Although I wouldn’t say ‘cozy’ was on my pinterest board.’

‘You don’t do pinterest boards, Stella.’

Stella pursed her lips. ‘Face mask,’ she commanded, and Dana nodded and grabbed a jar she had found. ‘Don’t tell me that’s over a year old or I’ll have to send you a new one,’ Stella immediately pointed out. ‘No, no,’ Scully chuckled, ‘it’s a relatively new one, actually. Someone gave it to me as a gift.’ ‘Hmm,’ Stella eyed her suspiciously, ‘I guess we’ll see soon enough if you’re being truthful with me.’

‘Always,’ Scully said softly and the small smile that played with the corner of her mouth and was mirrored by Stella took on a much deeper meaning than she’d meant.

‘Well,’ Stella sighed as she fetched a mirror, ‘I found a charcoal mask I’ve been wanting to try so I guess you’re in luck.’ They laughed together as Stella started applying the thick, black mass to her face. Scully told her about the messages she’d gotten from coworkers, the care package that someone had dropped off and how Mulder had called her later that day. ‘Did you tell him?’ Stella asked. ‘About the test? Yes,’ Scully confirmed. ‘Good,’ Stella said, and Scully licked her lips. ‘It’s hard on him, Stel. ‘How is he?’ Stella inquired. She seemed genuinely interested and Scully loved her all the more for it. The relationship between Stella and Mulder had been superficial, and even though Scully never felt like she was compromising anything for any aspect of her relationship with them she wished they’d left things off on better terms. ‘He’s fine, really,’ she answered. ‘He asked about you actually. I told him you were worried. But he’s fine.’ Stella nodded as she brushed her mask across the dent in her chin, eyeing Scully down the angle of her nose. ‘And you?’

‘What about me?’

‘Are you fine?’

Scully sighed and scooped a dollop of green face mask from the jar. She grasped a hand mirror and started applying it to her cleansed face. ‘No more headache,’ she said, ‘Just a little bit of a sore throat. I haven’t checked on the fever since this afternoon.’ ‘You should,’ Stella warned her. ‘Keep an eye on that, you shouldn’t go into work with a fever.’ Scully shook her head. ‘I’m not, I’ll be teaching from home tomorrow and we’ll see after that.’ ‘Good,’ Stella nodded again. ‘Now, let’s set all of that side. I want you to pretend you’re here, with me. On my bathroom floor.’ ‘I’ve always liked your bathroom,’ Scully sighed as she closed her eyes for a moment. However as soon as she did Stella disappeared from her vision and she wanted her, needed to see her so she opened her eyes again and there she was, charcoal face mask and all. ‘That better work,’ Scully pointed and Stella raised a partially covered eyebrow. ‘Not a good look?’

Scully scrunched her nose in response and shook her head carefully, unable to hide the smile in her eyes. She couldn’t hold her laugh and it came out with all the tension of the day, and once she heard Stella laugh with her every single thing she’d worried about dissipated in the sound of joy. They laughed, together, but apart, and the sound carried all of their doubts and fears away with the force of utter joy. ‘We can’t laugh, Stel,’ Dana tried to stop herself, ‘My mask will tear.’ ‘Jesus, one of those ones,’ Stella muttered in between her laughs, but she couldn’t keep a serious tone as she saw Scully’s face contorted in happiness and green slime.

Their laughter died down eventually, and a few minutes later Dana was leaning against the wall of her bathroom, trying to control her breathing as the last of her laughs died down. ‘Oh man, that felt good,’ she breathed. Stella’s face was serious again, but Dana knew she was acting, and she was too damn good at it too. ‘I love to hear you laugh, Stella.’ A gracious, sweet smile curled around Stella’s lips and she blinked slowly, looking slightly off to the side. ‘Don’t let them see you smile,’ she whispered, ‘Something my father used to say.’ Scully knew Stella didn’t mean to bring down the mood. She’d told her this story before, of how Stella’s father had taught her to be strong, how to use someone else’s laugh to her own advantage, and she knew Stella rarely laughed like she had just done with her. ‘I love your laugh,’ she repeated softly, ‘And I’m happy I get to hear it.’

Stella didn’t say anything, she just brushed one final stroke of black mask across her forehead and examined her work. ‘That should do it,’ she concluded, ‘Now, tell me about your class tomorrow.’

They went back and forth discussing their online classroom and conference call experiences. Soon, the conversation turned to the future, and what they hoped to take away from this. ‘If anything, I hope we can keep doing this sometimes,’ Dana said honestly. ‘We never used to do this.’ Stella nodded lightly. ‘Something I didn’t foresee is how much I’ve grown to depend on seeing your face every evening,’ she admitted. ‘It is becoming a vital part of my day.’ ‘For me as well,’ Scully admitted, ‘I feel like I’m closer to you than I was before.’ Stella looked at her and frowned a little as something bubbled up inside of her. It wasn’t sadness, but it was a certain kind of wistful want and desire that was new to her. ‘I miss you,’ Stella finally said. ‘Even though I see your face and hear your voice I still miss you.’ ‘You can call me or see me any time, just know that,’ Scully answered softly. ‘You too,’ Stella said, ‘Do you know why I wanted to do this so late in the evening?’ ‘I have an idea,’ Scully grinned. ‘It’s not even that,’ Stella said seriously. ‘We can do that some other time.’ Scully’s face didn’t fall like Stella had expected it might, but instead it remained fully focused on her and on her needs.

‘I hope I can dream about you,’ Stella admitted softly. ‘The later I see you, the more you appear in my dreams.’

‘Well then, let’s see what we can do about that,’ Scully said as she poured more wine. ‘I have all the time in the world.’

She stayed on the phone with Stella through the cleaning of their faces. She watched how Stella took off her robe, brushed her teeth and got into bed. When they finally said goodnight it was early for Stella, and instead of promising to talk to each other tomorrow Scully left her with a wink and a promise to see her later today. Stella felt her eyes grow heavy with the image of Dana Katherine Scully in a green face mask.

Three days later, a face mask and massage oil showed up on Dana’s doorstep. With a note that said: For next time.


	13. Day Twelve

The day seemed to drag on and on for Stella. She had a zoom meeting, a training session, went for a run which she instantly regretted once she got to the park and finally booked herself in to the shooting range which was, luckily, still open for officers. She needed to get her energy out one way or the other, might as well shoot a piece of paper, she thought.

She got there around five and spent close to an hour shooting the living daylights out of something she envisioned to be her demon, her worst nightmare, her attacker – until finally the trembling of her hands couldn’t force the bullet near the bull’s eye anymore. ‘Fuck,’ she cursed loudly, frustration flooding her system and forming a dangerous chemical imbalance with the adrenaline that was already driving her every move. She felt the muscles in her arms start to shake and she cursed again, holstering her weapon and dragging her ear protectors down around her neck. She blew an errand strand of hair from her face and bit her lip, trying to regain control over her strangely erratic emotions. Get a grip, she told herself, and it seemed to work.

She put everything back where it belonged, systematically, using that time to get back to her usually collected self. And it worked, for a bit, until she shut the door to her car and found her hand shaking too much to put her car key in the ignition. ‘Fuck,’ she cursed again and heard her voice break.

Checking the time she felt a wave of self-hatred curl through her veins. Every cell in her body needed to call Dana, but she couldn’t, she didn’t need her. She shouldn’t need her. Stella breathed out trying to calm herself – she was an independent woman who needed only herself to carry her, she thought. But even as the words formed in her brain she laughed – she saw only Dana, on the other side of the world, and even though she knew she’d be okay by herself she would be better with Dana. Licking her lips Stella fought her inner battle quietly, by herself, alone. Like she always had. Only this time she ended up not with a man in bed, but with her phone in her hand and her fingers deftly dialing Dana’s number on autopilot.

She had the good sense to check the time again and note it was only thirty minutes before their scheduled call anyway. More than half of her desperately needed to wait those thirty minutes – have Dana call you, don’t be the needy one, you are not dependent on her for your personal happiness – but voice of her heart sang louder. It screamed Dana. It needed her like it had never needed anyone else, like it would never need anyone else because it was complete and fulfilled as long as she could just see Dana. She was stronger with Dana in her life, and felt invincible when she could see her, talk to her, touch her – the power they held together was something Stella had never seen before. Strangely, she had come to realize that it must have already existed within Dana – she’d seemed to recognize it, harness it and wield it to reel Stella in even if she’d been blissfully unaware that’s what she’d been doing. The force that lived within Dana had decided it could fuel two souls instead of one and it had proven not to be wrong. It was beyond them, and Stella didn’t like things that were beyond her except when they seemed to emanate from Dana Katherine Scully.

Leaning back in her car seat Stella looked out across the deserted parking lot. The weather was dreary, miserable, and the only sign of life she saw was someone was walking their dog. Dana’s voice pulled her out of her darkening thoughts. ‘Stella, hey,’ Scully said, ‘you’re early.’ In the second that followed Stella hated and forgave herself. ‘I missed hearing your voice,’ she admitted, the truth deeper and harder than Dana would realize at first.

‘Everything okay?’ Stella took the lead before Dana could respond. ‘How are you feeling today?’ she heard Dana sniff, still a cold, she noted. ‘I’m good, yeah,’ Dana said and Stella believed her. ‘Fever has gone down so that’s nice.’ Stella felt a flood of unexpected relief fill her heart. ‘That’s good to hear,’ she said.

‘How’s today treating you?’ Dana interjected, curious, and slightly worried. She knew Stella wouldn’t call her thirty minutes if nothing was the matter. They knew each other better than that, and Scully knew that Stella was fully aware of her transparency. ‘I’m fine,’ Stella said on instinct, regretting it instantly but too proud to take it back. You’re independent, her stubborn brain told her. She swallowed down the uneasy feeling it gave her, knowing her heart would tell the truth when prompted. And Dana knew it too. ‘Are you home?’ Dana asked softly. ‘No,’ Stella said. ‘Put your phone down,’ Scully asked. ‘I want to see you.’

It touched Stella unexpectedly to have Dana be so deeply aware of her, and a thick, unyielding lump of emotions formed itself in her throat. ‘I’m driving,’ she lied, then laughed at herself. ‘No I’m not. I don’t know why I said that.’ Scully chuckled, but worry etched itself into the sound of her voice. ‘Put your phone down, Stel.’

Stella complied, a small part of her body objecting to her every move, but she pushed it away – it was time to form new instincts. At least she trusted her heart to know what was right – it wouldn’t have told her to call Dana if it weren’t completely necessary and right.

‘Okay,’ she said, her voice slightly hoarse. Seconds later Scully’s video call came in and Stella combed her fingers through her hair as she connected. And there she was, Dana, clearly working from home and doing much more than she should – all business, her hair up in a sleek ponytail and her thinly framed glasses propped up on her nose. Her computer screen reflected off of her skin and Stella thought she looked magical. ‘Hey,’ she managed. Dana smiled. ‘That’s better.’ Stella recognized the moment Dana saw she was actually in a car, and a faint look of curiosity crossed Dana’s face as she noticed Stella’s slightly flushed cheeks. ‘What are you up to?’

‘I was shooting things.’

Dana raised her eyebrows. ‘Nice. Did you have to re-certify?’

‘No,’ Stella said, ‘I thought it would make me feel better.’ Scully pursed her lips. ‘But it didn’t, did it.’

‘Not really,’ Stella confirmed. ‘I feel like I’m out of balance.’

‘That’s normal,’ Scully started, her entire demeanor switching into doctor mode. Stella sighed and sat back a little, allowing Dana to analyze and therapize her. ‘We’re facing unprecedented times. The uncertainties will have an effect on your emotions whether you like it or not.’

‘I’m fine,’ Stella insisted.

‘Well, if you were not, it’d nothing to be concerned about,’ Scully said seriously. ‘You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself, Stella.’

Stella sighed and decided Dana deserved more than her thinly constructed web of untruths. ‘Okay, I’ve been feeling a little… On edge. I have all this energy that needs to get out. I went for a run to get it out of my system but the amount of people that were out just aggravated me so I went home. I had a team meeting which was less than productive and I’ve just been feeling… Anxious. Unable to focus.’ Scully watched her carefully, nothing the honesty that shone from Stella’s eyes and knowing this was precious and something she should not take for granted but for the rare gift that was Stella’s trust. ‘Thank you for telling me,’ she said softly. ‘I’m not sure how I can help, though.’

Stella licked her lips and Scully saw her eyebrow tremble lightly. Scully feared Stella might cry, she feared the implications of it and she felt deeply for Stella’s apparent distress. The silence that stretched between them tested the strength of the thread on which Stella’s sanity balanced. It held out, but barely, and Scully watched how a story played out seemingly in slow motion behind Stella’s eyes. She saw the fear, everything that had happened yesterday and the days before, the love and the uncertainty and somehow she knew it all. Deep down Scully understood every single thing Stella was going through. Even though they were different people with different coping mechanisms she recognized and felt Stella’s every emotion. No stronger woman than Stella had ever trusted Dana with their inner self and Dana wanted to help, more than anything, but she didn’t know what Stella needed.

‘Maybe it’s worth taking some time to think about why you feel this way,’ she suggested softly. ‘There are a lot of changes going on in our lives and they all affect our mental well-being.’ Scully studied Stella’s expression for hints on whether or not she was getting through to her, trying not to sound too condescending but feeling a little worried about Stella’s uncharacteristically emotional and clearly affected appearance.

‘I know why,’ Stella stated quietly.

‘Do you want to talk about it?’

‘I miss having my arms around you.’

‘Oh,’ Scully said. ‘Oh, Stella. I promise we will have that again.’

‘Don’t promise me that,’ Stella shook her head lightly and suddenly Scully understood. Reality was hitting Stella hard after what had happened yesterday. ‘You didn’t lose me,’ Scully whispered. ‘You won’t lose me, Stella.’ Stella turned her face away and looked out of her car window, and Scully watched how she brought her hand up to her lips and bit the skin of her finger to control her emotions. Find a specific point to focus on, Scully knew. Draw the pain away from your heart. It won’t work, Stella.

And it didn’t. Scully saw the tears well up through the clear quality of Stella’s phone and she watched how it gained weight, finally losing against the pull of gravity down her cheek. Stella knew the second Dana saw her tear and she met her eyes with fierce emotion. ‘Don’t promise me that.’

‘Okay,’ Scully nodded and smiled weakly as she navigated the road Stella laid out for her. ‘Are you home?’ Stella shook her head and the tear traveled down further until her slender fingers caught it and wiped it out of existence.

If only it were that easy to erase it.

‘No, no, I’m still at the range,’ Stella said. ‘Okay,’ Scully said. ‘Get yourself home and call me back.’

Stella swallowed.

‘Can you stay?’

Scully felt chills run all the way from her head down the back of her spine and into her extremities. Of course, she thought. Always. ‘Yeah, I can do that,’ she nodded into the camera of her phone. ‘But drive safely.’ Stella sighed. ‘I will. You can continue your work, just stay with me.’ She watched as Scully considered it for a moment. The suspension dragged itself through her guts and there it was again, that strange self-loathing that she wished out of existence along with this god damn pandemic. ‘Okay,’ Scully finally said. ‘Yes, of course. Just promise me you’ll drive safely.’

‘I’m not ten,’ Stella said, ‘I can drive.’

And she did, she drove home carefully with Dana by her side. She parked, got her bag and went inside, clicking the door in its lock behind her. Home again, she thought. Alone. But she wasn’t, Dana’s face was right there. If she focused she could hear the sound of her breathing, along with the tapping away of Dana’s deft fingers on her keyboard. Stella straightened her spine and reached for the wine instead of the whiskey, poured herself a glass and dropped down on her couch, propping her phone up against the stack of books that had been serving as her phone stand. ‘Thank you,’ she said, and Scully shot her a smile. ‘Give me five minutes and I’ll be done with this,’ she said. ‘No rush,’ Stella held up her hand, ‘Do your work first.’ Scully bit her lip, blinked once and closed her laptop. ‘You know what? Fuck that. I’m all yours.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm very sorry if this feels too OOC for Stella, but I'm writing from my own emotions and this kind of... had to get out.


	14. Day Thirteen

‘Stella,’ Scully said carefully.

They’d been talking for a while, for once calling at their set time instead of randomly, and they’d both had a pretty good day – the atmosphere was nice, friendly and loving and Scully felt calm and comforted by Stella’s voice. It had given her an idea, however, and even though she didn’t want to take away from what little time they had together she did really want to ask Stella a favor.

‘What is it?’ Stella inquired as she refilled her wine glass. Wine had become an important part of their meetings, especially for Stella, whose time zone allowed her the luxury and pretense of the clock having gone well past dinner time.

Scully bit her lip before searching Stella’s face. ‘Would you… Would you read to me?’

‘What?’ Stella asked, a hint of a smile playing across her lips in disbelief. Dana shrugged. ‘I want to hear your voice sometimes. I was at work today and I really missed you.’

In all honesty it had been a project at the hospital that had sparked the idea in her mind. Volunteers and sometimes even family had been reading stories to children and elderly patients, giving them something to hold on to when they couldn’t be physically close. Today had been Dana’s first short shift back. She had witnessed a few very emotional reactions to the project and she’d been reading something herself over her break. She’d been extremely busy afterwards but the one thing that she couldn’t get out of her head all day was the idea of Stella’s immaculate British accent reading something to her.

Stella seemed to consider Dana’s request. She took a sip and sighed deeply. ‘What would you have me read?’

‘I don’t know, anything,’ Dana waved her hand. ‘Whatever you want, really.’

‘I think you’ve thought this through more than that,’ Stella squinted at her. Scully bowed her head as she smiled and blushed in embarrassment. ‘Well… I haven’t, actually, but we’ve started doing this project of reading stories in the hospital and it’s incredibly beneficial to a lot of people.’

Stella’s smile melted around it’s edges into a look of pure adoration. ‘That’s wonderful, Dana.’

Dana shrugged. ‘It just gave me this idea. I’d really like to be able to hear your voice whenever I want.’

‘You know you can always call me. It’s not like I’ve got anything better to do.’

‘You know what I mean, you’re busier than that,’ Scully smiled. ‘I am,’ Stella conceded. ‘Is there any way I could contribute to this project? It sounds like something that’s brightening up people’s days a bit.’

Scully felt the love she had for her girlfriend grow with every second she was in her life. ‘You know, you really are incredible,’ she said softly to Stella. Stella raised her eyebrows and tucked her chin a little, clearly less impressed with herself than Dana was. ‘You know,’ Scully started, then sighed and collected herself. ‘I’m really glad to know you in these times. I don’t know what I would have done without you.’

‘You would have been brilliant,’ Stella said clearly. She leaned her chin on one hand and sat a little closer to the camera. ‘You are saving the world, Dana Scully. You would be doing so with or without me in your life. That’s just who you are.’

‘I don’t agree,’ Scully said resolutely, ‘If I wasn’t able to see you every evening I’m sure my mental state would be a lot less healthy.’

‘You started these calls,’ Stella pointed out.

‘Right,’ Scully stated, ‘But you keep going out of your way to fit me into your schedule.’

‘It’s not much of a schedule.’

Scully sighed defeated. ‘Let’s agree to disagree and just… enjoy each other’s company. And I’m sure there’s a way for you to help, let me ask around tomorrow.’

‘I could read something to you now,’ Stella suggested out of the blue. ‘In fact… I was thinking about reading to you the night I sang that song for you.’

Scully scrunched her chin and pouted a little, and all leftover defenses around Stella’s heart fell away. ‘I’m not joking,’ she said and reached off to the side to hold up the book she was reading. ‘I’d need to start over, though, and I don’t fancy that as I’m more than halfway through this one. Maybe I’ll read the next one to you.’

‘Please do,’ Scully said, and Stella nodded. ‘I will. And send me that reading info when you have it.’

‘Stella?’

‘Yes?’

‘Please just read to me.’

Stella looked at her girlfriend, dark lines under her eyes and visibly exhausted from the short shift she worked. Dana needs this, she reminded herself. Even if you’re across the world, you can help her stay up and keep going. ‘All right,’ Stella breathed and reached for the book.

She read two full chapters before she noticed Dana’s yawns. It wasn’t even that late, but Dana clearly needed her rest, and Stella wanted nothing more than to enable her in whichever way she could. ‘Have you eaten?’ she asked in between paragraphs. ‘Yeah,’ Dana said lazily. ‘Go to bed then, lay down,’ Stella commanded and she watched how Dana moved through her apartment, locked the door, turned off the lights and stripped down to her underwear. She took off her bra and threw on a t-shirt, got into bed and propped her phone up against the light. ‘Did you set your alarm?’ Stella asked. ‘Hmhm,’ Dana replied and Stella saw her eyes drift closed already. ‘Okay,’ Stella lowered her voice a little and continued reading.

Thirty minutes later she disconnected, sitting in her living room, alone, but knowing that across the sea her lover was fast asleep, the sound of Stella’s voice still clear in her head.


	15. Day Fourteen

The next day Dana was incredibly glad to be able to stay home. It was a Tuesday, her only free day in the upcoming two weeks. She had so little free time anyway, and she didn’t mind the work, but today she was glad she had some time off – having fallen asleep with Stella’s voice in her mind had caused some very pleasant dreams and she felt reluctant leaving her bed. Checking her alarm she found it was 8AM which meant Stella would be halfway through the conference call of the day. They’d shared their schedules a few days ago via email, just to make sure they could contact each other whenever they felt like it without interrupting vital conversations with a call. Scully had asked Stella to please disregard her work schedule and call if it was urgent, because she wouldn’t pick up if she couldn’t, and Stella had a few scheduled appointments and conversations for which she needed her phone and the schedule helped them both keep track of their free time. At the end of every day one meeting popped up, without fail, and Scully was determined to make sure she was there every day.

She had breakfast, did some laundry, made herself a cup of coffee and had just flopped down on the couch to relax for a moment when her doorbell rang.

She let her delivery guy in, even though she was slightly puzzled as to what he could possibly be bringing her. When she opened her door the package was already waiting for her, and she thanked the courier for delivering it. ‘Stay safe,’ she called, and smiled as he held up is hand in thanks. I’m not the only one still working, she thought with slight concern.

The box wasn’t large, and it wasn’t heavy, but it had a certain weight that puzzled Dana. She looked at the sticker, trying to ascertain where it had originated, and her suspicions were confirmed when she saw that the box had traveled to her from England.

‘What did you send me,’ she smiled to herself as she found scissors and carefully cut the tape.

Inside the ordinary looking cardboard box she found a paper bag, filled with white tissue paper and a note. It was hand written, and as soon as she saw the slightly unreadable and elegant letters grace the ageing piece of paper she knew for certain – Stella had sent her a care package.

‘For all your pampering needs – treat yourself, and write down your dreams so you can share them with me,’ it said. ‘Yours, Stella.’

The note alone was enough to make Dana’s composure grow weak. She was alone, she realized, there was no one to impress or to fool, so she slipped from her position on the couch down to the floor and opened the bag.

Careful not to rip the paper she grabbed the first item. Scented massage oil. Scully huffed and felt her cheeks warm as she thought of what she could to with this, alone, or later with Stella. She knew Stella had joked about sending her a face mask but a part of her wasn’t surprised when she saw an expensive looking glass jar at the bottom of the bag. However the candle, bath bomb and dark chocolate bar overwhelmed her a little and by the time she noticed the last present her brain was all over the place.

Neatly wrapped in cardboard colored wrapping paper the last gift laid flat on the bottom of the bag. Scully took it out, examined its weight and size and carefully ripped away the paper. It revealed a note book, leather bound, faux snake skin not unlike the one she knew Stella possessed. She exhaled slowly, touching the cover with her fingertips before flipping the page.

The first page held a few sentences from Stella which she tried not to read. She flipped through the book, found its lined pages empty and inviting and finally landed back on the first page.

_The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams – Eleanor Roosevelt._

_Dana,_

_This is your dream journal. In it you can keep up with your dreams, write them away if you must, or etch them into eternity so you may look back upon them once this is all over. It is yours to do with as you please, but I do hope you will include me in these pages much like you are included in mine._

_Stella._

That night, they didn’t talk about the weather. No mention of their jobs or how their day had been. Instead, they talked about their dreams and hopes for the future. Where they’d like to live, what their house would look like. What Dana would wear on Stella’s birthday, and how they’d celebrate Dana’s even if Dana didn’t want to. They talked about the places they wanted to go, the things they desperately wanted to show each other.

They talked about their love, their life, and how extraordinary it was. Neither of them was fully in touch with reality but they were equally in need of a tether, something to hold on to them and keep them afloat until they reached the other side, and they found a life line in each other. And when Stella put her head down on her pillow that night she tucked her own dream diary away safely in her nightstand – no nightmares would haunt her tonight. No, her sleep would be as peaceful as the love in Dana’s eyes.


	16. Day Fifteen

_I recorded something for you,_ Stella messaged Scully halfway through the next day.

Scully smiled with pride as she had only sent Stella the information a few hours ago, and Stella, being the wonderfully complex human being that she was had wasted no time and somehow found space in her busy day to record something. Scully texted back expressing her gratitude and promising Stella she’d listen to it soon.

Truth be told Scully was having a miserable day and she was contemplating telling Stella to skip their call today. She felt like she’d only bring darkness, a downer on the mood, and Stella didn’t need that on a good day let alone today when she knew Stella had a dreaded meeting with the chief. She’d just gathered up the courage to text Stella the bad news when Stella beat her to it.

_I’m not feeling up to it, can I get a rain check and talk to you tomorrow?_

And in a fraction of a second, Scully changed her mind. No, you can’t, she thought – You’ve done so much for me, let me do something for you. She thought about what she would text back so Stella would agree, and she decided on the truth.

_I was going to cancel too, but I’ll keep our appointment. You get to watch tonight._

It wasn’t meant to be naughty, but as she read it back she blushed. Maybe Stella was up for naughty, she thought, and she decided to let her evening depend on Stella’s reply.

_I’ll make sure I’m ready for you._

All right, Scully thought. Naughty it is.

Later that afternoon Scully dug out a robe she hadn’t worn in ages. It was a remnant of earlier days, days in which she’d decided she should own at least one pair of sexy lingerie and a good robe, even if no one was ever going to see it. She wondered why she’d never pulled it out of its hiding place before, having had more than enough occasions for it, but somehow she’d only thought of it today. It was a satin robe, short, cutting off just above her knee on her long legs. It had a see-through bit, just above her chest, and she smiled at the idea of Stella watching her in this robe. It would be appreciated, for sure.

Scully spent the hour before her call in the bathroom, shaving, pampering herself and enjoying the attention she gave her body. She knew Stella had a more complex bathroom ritual than her, and she had always admired Stella’s attention to herself and her appearance but it had always been for Stella, not for anyone else, and Scully appreciated that more than anything. She had tried and failed to pick up some of Stella’s habits, but today she decided to treat herself with the full Stella bathroom session. One hour later her skin felt smooth and clean, she smelled good and a fresh glowy blush adorned her cheeks as she dialed Stella’s number, dressed in only her bathrobe and panties.

To her surprise, Stella accepted the video call. ‘I’m not looking too great,’ Stella warned with a wary voice. ‘That’s fine,’ Scully answered as the call connected, ‘I didn’t expect to see you at all. Hi,’ she smiled as soon as Stella appeared on her screen.

Stella didn’t look great. Her hair was slightly mussed and her mouth looked tense, like she’d been pressing her lips together for hours on end. She probably had, and Scully felt sorry for whatever uncalled for toxic masculinity Stella must have endured today. ‘That bad, huh,’ Scully said. Stella pursed her lips and swallowed. ‘I’m just happy to see you,’ she said, her voice soft. ‘You don’t have to talk to me if you don’t want to,’ Scully said as she put her phone down on her table and tucked herself into the corner of her sofa. ‘Can you still hear me?’ Stella nodded.

‘Dana,’ Stella smiled, ‘what are you wearing?’

Scully tried to keep a straight face but she failed immediately, the blush that had been fading away slowly creeping down into her neck now. ‘You like it?’ she asked softly. ‘I forgot I had it.’

‘You need to wear that color more,’ Stella hummed appreciatively. ‘You look delicious.’

‘Thank you,’ Scully said as she crossed her legs to reveal a fair bit of upper thigh. Stella raised her eyebrows. ‘Do I need to lie down for this?’

Scully noticed that Stella was already in her pajamas, the cute ones with the rainbows. She nodded. ‘You can, and you can just relax and listen to me,’ Dana said. ‘Are you going to sing to me? Stella asked with a thin smile. ‘No,’ Dana huffed, ‘That would not be relaxing, no, no.’

‘Then what?’ Stella asked softly as she climbed under her covers. She left the light on for Dana, propped her phone up against her open laptop and threw her pillow to the side, lying on her stomach and watching Dana intently. Dana smiled and leaned in a little, and Stella watched the V of her robe with interest. ‘Dana…’

‘Sshh,’ Dana shushed her as she ran a finger up the satin edge of her robe. ‘You can tell me what you want me to do, or you can just watch.’


	17. Day Fifteen - part two

Stella carefully studied her phone screen. Her heart fluttered as she thought back to everything they had been through together, their entire journey made up of bumps and curves and how nothing along the way had stopped them. She thought about Dana’s curves, the ones she could barely make out but that were definitely there, on the other side of an ocean, but mere inches away from her face. As Scully ran her finger up the soft edge of her robe Stella envisioned how it would feel, Scully’s satin beneath her fingers, soft like the skin on her inner arms. Stella yearned to touch her again, the physical being inside of her being deprived of all things soft and pliant and her craving for uninhibited desire growing every second she had to suppress it. She’d see Dana again. She’d get to touch her again, but somehow every day seemed too long a wait and suddenly she regretted decisions she’d made. ‘I wish we were together,’ she mumbled, and Dana smiled gently at her. ‘Pretend I’m right there,’ she said, and Stella tried.

‘Wait, hold on,’ she asked as she tried to maneuver her laptop to the other side of her bed. She wanted to lay on her back, watch Dana as she leaned her head into her pillow and had her hands free to touch wherever she wanted. Dana sat up a little, showing Stella more than a little bit of her wine red robe and Stella’s breath was taken away momentarily by the contrast between Dana’s hues of red. Stella quickly rearranged everything and tucked herself away in the warm safety of her bed as she smiled at Dana’s image. ‘I do not deserve this,’ she said. Scully cocked her head to the side and studied Stella’s slightly mussed up appearance. ‘We’re in this together,’ Scully said, and Stella couldn’t help but feel the significance of her statement – The fact that they were together was still something Stella marveled at sometimes but truth be told she’d also thanked whoever up there was listening to her that she didn’t have to go through this without Dana.

‘Tell me, Dana,’ Stella inquired as she shifted comfortably under her duvet. ‘What do you miss most?’ ‘Easy,’ Scully replied, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. ‘I miss touching other people. Especially you.’

‘I suspect you touch people on a day to day basis,’ Stella teased, ‘It’s your job.’

‘Not like I touch you,’ Dana smiled as she blushed again. Stella watched how Dana’s eyes darted around the room as if she was afraid someone might hear her talk dirty to her girlfriend. ‘How do you touch me? What would you do?’ Stella pushed with a naughty glint in her eye. ‘I wish I was brave enough to tell you, Stel,’ Dana whimpered, ‘But I’m not.’

‘Show me, then.’

Dana’s cheeks turned crimson but she nodded anyway, shyly, and Stella felt her heart jump with unexpected joy at such a simple, but precious gift.

If she tried hard enough she could almost imagine it. Dana’s fingers on her neck, trailing down to her collarbones to lightly trace her freckles there. Stella knew of Dana’s fascination with the curve of her neck, she’d always said it was an elegant neck, and even though Stella was unsure about any special qualities her neck might or might not possess she was glad Dana had pointed it out to her, because as Dana traced her own pulse down to her breast bone Stella could feel a trail of butterflies dart across her own skin. ‘I feel it,’ she whispered to Dana, and Dana’s bright smile brought more joy to her than anything else ever had or would.

Dana’s hands were not as shy as her brain, and it took only a few movements of her nimble fingers for Stella to shift around under her blanket as warmth was spreading though her body. She felt the heat creep onto her cheeks as Dana pulled the red on her body aside, slowly, and Stella watched as both Dana’s hands and her smile grew more confident with every breath. The rise and fall of Scully’s naked chest was their rhythm, and Stella found it impossible to stop the journey her own hands were taking as they were involuntarily mimicking Dana’s movements. Soon Stella heard the small whispers of Scully’s desire, and she smiled with the intimate knowledge – Dana Scully could not remain quiet for long when she was touching her body. Stella could just make out the words and they spurred her on, leading her fingers on their own journey as she pretended they were Dana’s. Stella mirrored things she knew only Dana could do to her, and she heard and saw Dana describe them to her in the whimpers she elicited from her own body as her hands moved as they would if they were on Stella’s skin. It was enticing, electrifying, and Stella loved Dana’s perseverance as she never once wavered or paused. Their movements were steady, sensual, and Stella was enthralled and mesmerized by the creature in front of her.

Mere minutes later they were both spent and breathing heavily as Scully wiped the thin sheen of sweat from her forehead. ‘That was incredible,’ she said wondrously, and Stella nodded as she combed her hair back. ‘It was. I am glad I let you call.’ Scully licked her lips as she pulled her robe back around her to cover her reddened chest. ‘Me too’ she said. ‘I did not expect to do this.’ Stella smiled at Dana’s innocence. ‘Then what did you expect?’ she asked out of pure curiosity. Dana Scully was as intriguing as any human being had ever been to Stella – wildly unpredictable, free yet controlled and more kind-hearted than she thought possible. Dana Scully was a gift, and Stella still pinched herself daily thinking about how she was hers. Dana pursed her lips and looked at Stella, a smile weaving itself though every fiber of her being as she saw Stella’s satisfied grin. ‘I don’t know,’ she shrugged. ‘I’d half expected you to not pick up.’ Stella sighed. ‘I am incredibly glad I listen to you sometimes.’ Dana raised her eyebrows. ‘Me too.’


	18. Day Sixteen

That night, Scully had her first dream worthy of gracing the blank page at the beginning of her dream journal. She woke early the next morning with vivid images in her mind’s eye, of golden locks and shining stars. She closed her eyes, pressed them shut so tightly it hurt because she wanted this feeling to last forever, but she knew it would abandon her for the truth of the day as soon as she let it go. And surely, that feeling of ultimate peace floated away from her as soon as her eyes caught the first light of the day – but it drifted slowly, beckoning to her to claw at it with everything she had, even though she knew she’d have to let it go eventually. She grabbed her new journal from her coffee table and found a suitable pen, setting herself down on her sofa cross-legged to try and recount every last detail of her dream before it was lost to her.

She managed a page and a half of deep, warm feelings and emotions before her mind ran blank. After elegantly noting the date on the top right corner she closed the book, delicately running her hand across the front before putting it in her bag for the day. She might need it to remind herself of the good that was left in this world.

Once she got to work, she heard a member of her staff had died from the dreaded disease that night.

As someone who’d seen more death in her lifetime than the average human could handle she felt like the nausea that flooded her system was both unwarranted and unwelcome. She excused herself from the video meeting she had and found herself wandering the corridors of her hospital, aimlessly putting one foot in front of the other trying to let the rhythm of her heels guide her, center her and calm her down but it was no use. She felt her heartbeat increase with every step she took. As sweat started to form across her brow she recognized the signs of a panic attack, undeniably apparent no matter how rare in appearance.

Trying to control her breathing she checked the time. At least an hour and a half until her break, which felt like more than an eternity to survive but she knew she had to. One breath, two, three, she counted to herself, trying to slow down time as well as her racing heart. She felt the hallway start to spin around her and a doctor who’d been working on a project with her before the pandemic rushed to her side. ‘Dana, are you okay? You look pale.’ She waved him off. ‘Just dizzy, I’ll be fine,’ she said as she steadied herself against the railing that ran along the full length windows of the sky bridge connecting the university wing to the main part of the hospital. The young doctor held her lower arm gently, allowing her time to breathe through the dizziness before she nodded faintly. ‘I’m okay,’ she confirmed, and tried to chase him away with the comfort of a smile. He studied her and instantly reminded her of Mulder with his gentle brown eyes. ‘Sure?’

‘Yes,’ she said confidently as she shook her hair back over her shoulders. She should put it up.

‘Okay,’ the doctor said. ‘Page me if you need me, doctor Scully.’ She thanked him and watched how he walked off, and she instantly missed his care as a deep feeling of loneliness took the place of her anxiety. As she turned to resume her duties she wondered which one she could handle better.

By the time lunch rolled around she needed to talk to Stella. She’d texted her earlier but gotten no response, and it made her slightly afraid to call, but she did anyway. There was no way she would survive another six hours without seeing Stella.

Stella didn’t pick up. Scully texted her again, asking her to call as soon as she saw the message, then called again. At the end of her break she followed up with a text to tell Stella she was okay, but she felt empty and afraid as she pressed send.

_No need to call back, I’ll call you tonight. Just wanted to talk to you, everything is fine._

Everything was not fine, Dana thought, but she didn’t want to worry Stella more than she already had.

However Stella didn’t text back, and she didn’t call, and Scully pulled herself through six hours of hard work knowing one of her coworkers had died, she was face to face with the disease that killed him and her girlfriend wasn’t picking up her phone.

Ten minutes before the end of her shift she finally caught a free moment and rushed to the bathroom.

As she sat on top of the closed toilet, alone, she felt tears well up inside of her. All she wanted was to get out of here, and with her patience wearing thin she knew she should probably leave now before she got sucked back in for another few hours. The walls felt like they were mocking her, slowly closing in with their overwhelming darkness and she wanted to run and never stop. However something nailed her to her seat, everything hurt, and the pounding in her temples increased with every step she took. She rubbed the sides of her head carefully, trying to soothe her pain, but it only caused heavy drops of moisture to fall from her eyes onto her cheeks. ‘Dammit,’ she cursed, raising her eyes to the gray and insignificant ceiling to try and suppress her emotions.

Then, her phone rang.

She didn’t look to see who it was, just picked up and answered in a tired voice attempting to sound professional. ‘Scully.’

‘Dana, hi, it’s me,’ Stella’s heavy, balmy voice found its way to Scully’s brain. ‘Stella,’ she breathed, and it felt like air entered her lungs for the first time since she’d walked into work this morning.

‘I’m sorry I didn’t call earlier,’ Stella said, ‘Are you doing okay?’ 

‘Yes,’ Scully replied. ‘Fine.’ Her voice betrayed her, she knew it, and she hoped with everything she had that Stella would call her out on it because she needed her to, she needed Stella to push her into tears today because she was the only one who held that right.

Stella read her mind and on her next heartbeat Scully remembered everything that had ever made her fall in love with Stella. ‘You’re not, and that’s okay,’ Stella said softly. ‘Are you alone?’ Scully felt tears well up again and her lips pressed together tightly, trying to keep it together. ‘I’m… In the bathroom at work,’ she said, ‘I needed to get away. My shift ends in… Four minutes.’

‘Go home, Dana,’ Stella advised calmly. ‘No one will blame you.’

‘We lost a doctor today, Stella,’ Dana sobbed, tears no longer giving her a choice. Stella heard her distress and quietly shushed her. ‘It’s okay,’ she said, ‘You’re okay. Go home, Dana.’ Scully cleared her throat and promised Stella she’d try. She’d try to get out, try to call her as soon as she was home and she promised herself she’d try and pull herself together, at least a little.

Ten miraculous minutes later Dana was in her car. However tears were quietly running down her cheeks and she felt her heartbeat increase again, felt it creep into her throat and saw the road in front of her darken as she started her car. Sighing deeply she tried to calm down, attempting to focus on her one goal: getting home so she could call Stella.

She sat in her car for five long minutes, trying to count her breaths, trying to calm her body enough to safely drive home but it was no use. She felt herself get light-headed again and decided she couldn’t drive like this. Taking another deep breath she wiped the wetness off her cheeks and called Stella again. ‘Stella,’ she said as soon as she heard Stella’s breath through her phone, ‘I’m still in the car.’

‘Okay,’ Stella said, slightly taken aback by Scully’s breathless words. ‘Dana, please try to calm down.’

‘I… I’m trying,’ Scully said. ‘I went to start the car and I got dizzy.’

‘Can you breathe through it?’ Stella asked, deep down all too familiar with panic attacks but never having had the heart to tell Dana. ‘Yeah, I think so,’ Scully said and Stella sighed in relief. ‘Good. Do you want me to breathe with you?’ She heard Scully swallow. ‘No, no, I think I got it, talking to you helps. Can you stay on the phone while I drive?’

‘Of course. But if you’re dizzy, Dana, do not drive, do you hear me? I don’t want you on the road.’

‘I’m better, Stel, I promise,’ Dana answered. ‘I can feel it going down. I just need the distraction.’

‘I know,’ Stella said, and as soon as she said it she felt the blush creep into her cheeks with the revealing statement she’d just made. It hadn’t been her intention to tell Dana. But now that she had, she felt something shift and she didn’t mind it at all.

‘You get them too?’ Scully asked softly. 

‘Occasionally,’ Stella admitted, ‘I just don’t talk about it.’

‘Neither do I,’ Scully said, ‘and I’m sorry you have to go through that. It really sucks.’

‘It does,’ Stella agreed on a smile. ‘I’m glad you told me, Dana. Please call me if you need help.’

Scully wished she could see Stella, wished she could hug her, hold her close and feel her breaths so she could use them to calm her own, but she couldn’t. She could, however, talk with her as she drove home, and that’s exactly what she did. She told Stella about the colleague she’d lost, how she’d seen him only last week. She reassured Stella she most likely hadn’t contracted anything when she’d last seen him, even though she couldn’t be sure. She had no symptoms and was told to monitor her temperature, so that’s what she was doing, and Stella seemed to accept that for now.

When Scully finally took the last corner into her parking space she sighed deeply. ‘Thank you so much, I feel so much better,’ she said to Stella, gratitude and love all around the edges of her voice. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t call earlier,’ Stella replied. ‘No need to apologize,’ Scully insisted. ‘I’m just really glad I got to talk to you.’

‘Call me later?’

Scully chuckled. ‘You sure?’ She knew their daily calls were scheduled quite late for Stella. ‘I’ve already taken up so much of your time today.’

‘I insist,’ Stella said.

‘Okay,’ Scully smiled as she checked the time. ‘Talk to you in two hours, then.’

‘See you in two, Dana.’

As Scully disconnected from the call she thought about her dream. Maybe, just maybe, she could read something to Stella tonight. Maybe she should tell her she was everything she dreamed of. 


	19. Day Sixteen - part two

In the time between their calls Stella went over everything Scully had just told her. She knew Scully could get anxious, frazzled at least, but she had never had to help her fend off a panic attack. Dana would get them during flights, if the turbulence broke her carefully constructed mask of I’m-fine, she knew that but she’d never known Scully to get attacks at work. Stella worried about her, her mental state, and promised herself to check in more during the day – even though they spoke to each other every single evening she could still make sure to send messages. Dana, like her, most likely didn’t want to put the full weight of her feelings and emotions on their daily calls. Those were for love, comfort, distraction, and both of them had been guilty of trying to look and feel better than they actually were. Stella told herself to pay more attention to Dana’s needs during their calls and with that in mind she set about creating a scene for their evening call.

She knew the peace that her new bedroom had brought Dana the first time she’d shown it to her. Stella wanted to create the same ambience now, maybe not in the bedroom, but in the bathroom where she could fill the bath, place a few candles and show Dana her new bath curtain. It would be an evening focused on relaxation, centering themselves to their reality and to each other, and even though Stella wanted nothing more than to hold Dana close to her she knew that this would have to do for now.

When Dana didn’t call right at the dot Stella decided to take control, knowing Dana was probably still contemplating whether to call at all. Stella had undressed, put her hair up and gotten into her bath, which was filled to the brim with bubbles. As she reached out with her dry hand to dial Scully’s number she laughed at the amount of water she spilled in the process. Her phone, which was propped up on her chair next to the bath, connected to Dana’s. Quickly Stella covered herself with bubbles, making sure not to initiate something like yesterday, even though she would not complain she wanted Dana to relax with her tonight.

Dana picked up and frowned. ‘Are you in the bath?’

‘Yes, and I want you to get in yours,’ Stella said. ‘If you have time.’

‘I have time,’ Dana nodded as she practically ran upstairs to turn on the tap.

Ten minutes later Stella watched how Scully found a place for her phone and lowered herself into the water, steam coming off the surface and off her body as she submerged herself in the scented bubbles she’d whipped up. ‘This feels amazing,’ Scully sighed as she sat down. ‘Such a good idea.’ Stella hummed contently. ‘Are you feeling better?’ she asked.

Scully seemed to think about her answer for a few minutes as she closed her eyes and focused on the water warming and relaxing her muscles. ‘I think so,’ she finally said. ‘I don’t think I’ll have another attack. It was mainly the stress.’

‘Was it?’ Stella questioned, because she had a feeling it was more based off the fact that Scully had called her.

Stella knew loneliness. She knew it intimately, was familiar with all its forests and seas as she’d consciously traveled through them for years. Sometimes she’d felt safe, sheltered, and other times she’d felt like she was drowning in its infinity and that’s when she’d felt the pressure on her chest increase, her breath something of a luxury rather than a given. That feeling could bring on the most intense and meanest panic attacks she’d known. She also knew Dana’s path through her anxiety could be a different one, but if she could help by trying to understand she would. And as soon as she asked the follow-up question, not giving Dana the easy out she’d thought she had, Stella knew she had been right.

Scully frowned and licked her lips before leaning her head back against the edge of the bathtub. ‘No,’ she breathed. ‘And I should know better than to try and conceal that from you.’

‘It’s okay,’ Stella tried to calm her. ‘You don’t have to tell me. I just want to help you feel better so you’ll be okay.’ Scully smiled in gratitude. ‘I missed you, that’s all,’ she told Stella. It was the tip of the iceberg, Stella knew that, and Scully felt like she did not have to say more for Stella to know exactly what she meant. ‘I know,’ Stella smiled back at her. ‘I know.’

They bathed together, apart, and they talked about what products they used to calm down. Stella shared her meditation playlist with Dana and Dana read her first entry into her dream journal to Stella, even though Stella insisted she did not have to.

‘ _Stella was all around me, and I felt more free than I ever have,’_ Dana concluded her reading. ‘And then today happened, and I missed you so much,’ she added. The combination of the heavy day and Dana’s emotional state caused the paper thin wall around her heart to melt as tears welled up inside of her, filling her eyes as soon as she put down her journal and looked back at Stella. ‘It’s okay,’ Stella said again. ‘Cry, Dana. I’m here.’

And so she cried, quietly, to herself as her girlfriend was with her every step of the way. She dried her tears when there were none left, and she silently watched Stella’s worried face as she tried to form words that would adequately express her gratitude. She found none, and she just came back to the three words she wished she could whisper into Stella’s lips. ‘I love you, Stel,’ she whispered and she watched how Stella fought back her own tears. ‘I love you so much.’

Stella nodded and a lock of her hair fell from her bun. Scully’s fingers itched to touch it but she just took it all in, tried to burn this vision of Stella into her memory forever in case she never got to touch her or see her again. ‘Please stay safe, Dana,’ Stella implored her as she swallowed back her bubbling emotion. ‘Stay safe so I can tell you in person how much you mean to me.’

‘Let’s make sure you can show me,’ Scully agreed.

‘Let’s,’ Stella whispered as she leaned back herself. ‘Now relax, Dana, I’ll wake you if you fall asleep.’


	20. Day Seventeen

‘I wrote you something,’ Scully said to Stella.

They’d been catching up on the day, both relieved to see each other even though they had called at their usual time they had both admitted to feeling a little apprehensive when the other hadn’t contacted them throughout the day. They’d been busy, life getting in the way of contacting each other but that’s why they had this time set – one specific hour on which they were available for each other. Scully had called and Stella had picked up almost immediately, trying to tell her she wasn’t waiting on her call but they both knew that she had been. The knowing smile that passed between them was one Dana treasured knowing the meaning of.

‘What do you mean?’ Stella asked curiously. ‘What did you write?’

‘You said to include you in the pages of my journal and I had a dream last night.’

‘About me?’

‘Amongst other things,’ Dana teased.

‘Oh come on,’ Stella raised her chin, looking at Dana through her phone camera, ‘Tell me!’

‘I can read it to you if you want,’ Scully teased, biting the corner of her lip. Stella watched her closely, letting their comfortable, familiar silence stretch until Dana felt the extent of Stella’s focus. She was the only one around, the only one in Stella’s mind, and even though their days had been busy this time was for them, between them and fully with them.

Without waiting for Stella’s answer Dana reached for her journal. She flipped through the pages as if she was trying to find where she wrote, but she was just procrastinating, feeling slightly vulnerable even though she knew she wanted Stella to hear.

She’d been writing about their future. What she wanted, what she’d seen, and how she wanted to spend the rest of her days next to Stella. However Stella had to be the one to set the pace, being the one that was most apprehensive and unsure about their future. Not that she didn’t want it, Scully knew Stella wanted it but she needed to learn to trust her feelings first – and that was a long, long road for someone like Stella Gibson. However she’d come so far, and she’d asked Scully to move in not long before all of this had gone down, and Scully felt like she could talk about it without scaring her away. ‘I wrote about moving in,’ she said softly.

Stella’s expression warmed and her shoulders lowered as her soul attempted to cross the space between them. ‘Tell me,’ she asked, and Dana nodded.

She grabbed her journal and took a breath before reading what she’d written down this morning, still hazy with sleep but her mind clear on one vision only.

‘Our house is white,’ she started. ‘It has small steps leading up to a dark grey door which you painted because I wanted it lighter but you said you needed the darkness around because it would remind you to shine your own light. There is a big, blossoming tree planted in the tiny patch of land that is our front yard, which is not really a yard, but holds a blossom tree nonetheless.’

‘I don’t believe you dreamt all of this,’ Stella murmured gently as she felt warmth spread through her at the image Scully was painting for her. ‘I did,’ Scully tried to convince her, turning the journal around to show Stella what she’d written. ‘It was a very detailed dream.’

Stella chuckled and shook her head lightly. Dana continued.

‘Petals drift in from the open window sometimes, onto the marble kitchen counter but we leave the window open, because little beauty like that can make you smile. Your coat hangs on the hook in our hallway, mine over the back of a chair. Our shoes have mixed in your shoe rack, and you’ve learned not to care.’

‘You’re making me sound like a bit of a control freak, Dana,’ Stella grinned but from her eyes shone only love at the tender picture Dana was painting for her. ‘Well,’ Dana smiled, ‘I know you like things done your way and I don’t think I’ll stop you. You have an eye for interior design, Stella.’ Stella frowned as she mocked her own ability, knowing most of it was down to practicality and a sense of beauty rather than style. ‘Want to hear the rest?’ Scully asked. Stella directed her eyes back to Dana’s and that’s all the answer Dana needed.

‘I walk in, push my shoes between yours and drop my bag in the chair that holds my coat. It smells delicious and I missed you, so I turn the corner to find you in the kitchen. You turn towards me, as if you’re surprised to see me in your house. It’s still new but it’s all perfect. You smile at me and pretend you weren’t cooking, which is ridiculous, but I think cooking for me still makes you feel a little vulnerable.’

‘Dana…’

Scully looked at the image of Stella in front of her. Her face had softened into a beautiful half-smile, one that melted Dana’s heart down to where it could mix with Stella’s, like two oils, mixed but always recognizable as individuals. ‘Too much?’ Dana asked carefully. Stella shook her head, her perfect curls dancing around her cheekbones and lips. ‘No, no,’ she whispered and Scully smiled before reading the last paragraph.

‘I’m afraid it’ll feel too homely to lean in to kiss you but I don’t need to because you come towards me, touch my cheeks and pull me close, and I taste our dinner and our love and our life.’

She sighed deeply, closing her journal and gently putting it down next to her. ‘And then I woke up.’

Scully gave Stella all the time she needed to find her words, knowing Stella’s silence wasn’t a reflection of her performance rather than a mirror to Stella’s hopes and fears. She took her time and Scully watched how a number of emotions passed Stella’s features, each of them soft and loving, but some of them akin to fear and anger. Finally, Stella dragged her hand through her hair and locked eyes with Dana’s image.

‘I want that,’ she said. ‘I want it all.’

‘The blossom tree?’ Scully asked with a smile.

‘The blossom tree. Petals in the sink. You coat haphazardly abandoned in the hallway. All of it.’

Scully breathed deeply and nodded. ‘Will you cook for me?’ she asked.

‘Every night,’ Stella said softly. ‘And I promise I will kiss you every time you come home to me.’

‘I can’t wait,’ Scully breathed.

‘Soon, love,’ Stella whispered so softly Scully almost didn’t hear.


	21. Day Eighteen

Around three in the afternoon, Dana got a text.

_I love you._

That was all it said, but there was a weight to the seemingly innocent message that she could not ignore. Scull contemplated calling Stella, but their appointment was in two hours, and if Stella needed to talk to her she was sure she would call herself. Still, unease and worry chased Scully around until finally, at two minutes to five she couldn’t stand it anymore and called Stella.

Stella picked up but denied the video call. ‘Dana,’ she said, and Scully heard the rough edge around her voice before her name had rolled off Stella’s tongue. ‘Don’t be alarmed.’

‘What do you mean?’ Scully asked, the worry she had felt on the surface trickling through to her heart and gripping it tightly. ‘Are you ill?’

‘I’m okay,’ Stella said, trying to soothe Dana but they both knew Stella should know better. ‘Let me see you, Stella,’ Dana asked. ‘All right,’ Stella agreed heavily before turning on her camera. She hadn’t said what was wrong but it didn’t take a genius to figure out that Stella was feeling sick. Scully knew it by the roughness in her voice, the slightly hoarse tone that wasn’t carried by Stella’s usual confidence and strength but rather diluted by her effort to speak at all.

As soon as Scully laid her eyes upon Stella she knew why Stella had implored her not to worry.

She looked bad.

She was still gorgeous, maybe even more so in an innocent way, but dark circles under her eyes betrayed her exhaustion. Pure and raw eyes bore into Scully’s, a redness in them that wasn’t just from holding back tears. Even Stella’s usually well tamed locks were in disarray, her bun messy and hanging slightly to the side. ‘What’s wrong?’ Scully asked, trying to sound clinical, because she knew that was the only way Stella would be truthful with her – if she pretended not to be affected.

But she was affected, deeply, and she hoped that Stella didn’t see the tremble that had invaded her hands. With all her might she tried to keep her eyes gentle, controlled, but she felt her bottom lip tense with every seemingly labored move Stella made. ‘I don’t know,’ Stella said. ‘It’s probably nothing.’

‘Come on, we promised not to do this,’ Dana pleaded. ‘What are your symptoms? Did you write them down? Do you have a fever? Are you ..’ Stella interrupted her. ‘Dana, stop.’ Her voice sounded weak, tired, and it silenced Scully not with its force but with its sheer lack of anything Dana knew to be Stella’s spirit. ‘Okay,’ Dana said softly, trying to match Stella’s volume and attempting to calm Stella as well as herself. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘It’s okay,’ Stella waved off Dana’s apology. ‘I’m taking my temperature and keeping track of it. I’ll be okay, Dana, it’s just the flu.’ Dana shook her head. ‘You don’t know that. Can you go in and get a test?’

‘I shouldn’t, not as long as my symptoms are manageable and I’m not experiencing anything more severe.’

Dana sighed. ‘You’re right. But Stella, please don’t wait too long. Respiratory failure can set in a lot faster than you’d think and if you’re alone… Is there anyone who can take you to the hospital if you have to go?’ Stella pursed her lips and looked towards the window of her bedroom. ‘I’ll ask my neighbor.’ Dana nodded. ‘Please do, but keep your distance if you can. And get tested if you have to. It’s okay to ask for it if you feel like you need treatment.’ Stella smiled at her. ‘You’re cute when you go all medical on me.’ Dana frowned. ‘Stel, please. This is no joking matter.’ She saw the exhaustion weigh down under Stella’s eyes and immediately regretted getting slightly annoyed. She softened her tone and her expression, trying to show Stella how much she cared and how deeply she wished she could be with her. ‘Please just don’t be a hero now. You don’t have to fight this alone. You can’t.’

‘I have you,’ Stella whispered, her voice gravelly and rough. Scully smiled at her. ‘You do. You call me as soon as something changes. It could be the flu, or it could be something else, you won’t know unless you keep a close eye.’ Stella nodded lightly. ‘I know that, and I’ve been keeping a contact journal as well. I’m well prepared, Dana. I have supplies, enough to keep me nourished and safe for a few weeks if I have to.’

‘Of course you’re prepared,’ Scully said, never having doubted it. ‘How are you feeling? What does your body tell you?’

Stella breathed deeply and Scully noticed her trying to suppress a wince. ‘My chest hurts,’ Stella touched her breast bone. ‘And I did spike a fever this morning but it’s… coming and going now.’ Scully grabbed a piece of paper and took notes. ‘Text me the details later,’ she asked and Stella nodded. ‘I will. I’m sorry if I scared you earlier.’ Scully reached for her glass of water and took a sip, noticing Stella also didn’t have her signature glass of wine standing guard next to her. ‘That’s okay, I’ll admit you had me worried but I know we promised to call if something was really wrong so I trusted you to do that if you thought it necessary,’ she said.

Stella smiled softly at her. ‘I just thought of you and I believe I don’t tell you enough how much you mean to me.’

Scully saw Stella’s bare soul swim in her blue eyes, deep like the ocean and blue like the sky on a bright winter’s day even through the quality of Stella’s camera. The room was dark but Stella’s desk light lit her face and cast shadows across the slopes of her pale complexion, even softer and more beautiful in her slightly ruffled state. She lacked her usual composure and Scully felt the chemical reaction she had to Stella’s vulnerability deep down in her core. It nestled itself in the same place where she felt an undeniable twitch when she woke up next to Stella early in the morning, or in one of the rare unguarded moments during the day when Stella showed her everything. She’d learned to recognize it, to treasure it, and most of all to never ever mistake it of anything but ultimate strength. Stella was strong and Scully would be a fool to ever think Stella couldn’t do this without her, which made her earlier text even more valuable.

‘You do tell me,’ Scully said softly, touched by Stella’s candor. ‘You tell me all the time.’

‘Not with those words,’ Stella admitted, and Scully knew it to be true, but she really did not mind. ‘It’s just words, Stella. You don’t have to say it all the time if it doesn’t feel right. I know how you feel.’ Stella sighed, less labored this time. ‘I’m only now beginning to understand the intricacies of the depth of my feelings,’ she admitted calmly. ‘I felt like I needed to tell you.’

Scully looked at her, trying to tell her with her eyes that she understood and that she felt the truth in every one of Stella’s words. ‘Don’t be afraid of them,’ she said. ‘Feelings and emotions are beautiful.’

Stella paused and seemed to travel far away, her eyes going blank for a moment.

‘But I am afraid,’ she finally rasped. Her voice quivered and Scully saw her chin tremble. ‘Stella, please don’t do this to yourself,’ Scully pleaded. ‘You will be okay, I promise.’

‘I know,’ Stella shook her head lightly. ‘I know that. And the rational part of me knows that I’ll get through this, we will get through this, and then all of this will be a distant memory. But I’m still afraid, Dana.’

‘We don’t know what will happen,’ Dana said truthfully. Stella needed her truth now more than her wishes and dreams. ‘I think it’s important to be realistic but have hope. And I have hope, Stella. There’s so much we still need to do.’

Stella smiled wondrously at her and Scully watched how a single tear made its way down Stella’s cheek. ‘I love you,’ Stella repeated in a voice that sounded more silken and smooth than anything Scully had ever heard. ‘Don’t cry,’ she implored weakly, wanting nothing more than to take Stella in her arms but knowing she couldn’t. ‘I love you too.’


	22. Day Nineteen

As soon as Stella woke up she felt the urge to call Dana. It was undeniable, and some part of her deeply resented it, but then she remembered they had promised each other to stay in touch and that’d be all she’d be doing. Staying in touch.

Glancing at her alarm she sighed, grabbed her chest as it stung painfully and tried to calculate what time it was for Dana. She decided to text her, to have some form of contact, and spent thirty minutes writing and rewriting her message. Finally she decided on the truth.

_Good morning, thought I’d keep you updated. Still have a fever and my body aches all over but I’ll be okay. Love-_

Not expecting a message back she set about her morning routine, carefully getting dressed and making herself a healthy breakfast. She had called in to work saying she was going to self-isolate for two weeks because of her symptoms, and they had responded kindly but as she opened her mailbox she was greeted by fifty-one emails that had already found their way to her. Sighing she grabbed her phone to check a password, and that’s when she saw Dana had replied already.

_Good morning. Measure your fever every two hours and update me please. Try to rest! Xoxo_

Stella looked at the message for long minutes, unable to fully process it. She felt hazy, her mind liquid and thick and slow and she hated it but had no way of pushing through. ‘Dana,’ she whispered to herself before typing something back.

_I will. You get some sleep. Call me when you have time._

Stella sighed at herself. She hated feeling this dependent and wanting nothing more than to see Dana. But she had to learn to accept it, feel it and give it a place in her new life – a life in which Dana played a vital role. She was her partner now and that meant Stella was allowed to want to see her, allowed to yearn to hear her voice. Every feeling she felt towards Dana Scully was justified by the simple fact that they were in love, and Stella knew it but found it deeply alien to her natural state of being.

Her phone buzzed. Another message.

_I can’t sleep, and I miss you._

I miss you too, Dana, Stella thought. I miss you so much. And there is no way in which I can come and see you, and that should feel comforting but it does not. It feels cold and empty and like metal against metal instead of skin against skin. Cold.

Stella messaged back one more time before deciding to let her girlfriend some sleep, putting her phone down with a steely resolve not to call or message her for at least three hours.

_Close your eyes and think of me. Call me when you wake up._

She set about trying to do some work but gave up after an hour, deciding that the only thing that was going to help was a cup of tea and a bath.

As the bathtub filled and Stella found her favorite piano playlist on her phone she thought of everything that she’d done with Dana, and everything she still wanted to do. She was grateful for so much, she realized, and she knew it was helpful to write that down sometimes so she quickly gathered an empty notebook and a pen. Methodically undressing Stella took note of every part of her body, consciously trying to ascertain if it hurt or not, if it needed special care or if it was just tired from working at home. Her shoulders felt sore, and so did her neck. Her spine ached but the bath would help with that, she knew, just like it would help with the muscle pains in her upper legs. She wanted to swim, missed it badly, but with the pools closed she knew yoga and a bath would have to do. Not feeling up to yoga she settled for just the bath today.

Her phone on the chair next to the bath stopped playing music and buzzed as soon as she had submerged herself in the warm comfort of her tub. ‘For fuck’s sake,’ she cursed and waited for the buzzing to stop. Work would have to wait. They knew she was not feeling well, why the hell would they call now? A minute later the same sound interrupted her train of thought again. Groaning, Stella reached for the offending object, hoping she wouldn’t get it too wet. Turning it over she saw Dana’s incoming call. ‘What the hell,’ she mumbled as she pressed to accept. ‘Dana,’ she mumbled.

‘I had to call you,’ Dana rasped, clearly sleep-deprived and exhausted. ‘I missed you.’

‘You should be asleep,’ Stella tried to sound stern but failed miserably. She sighed, growing tired of herself ‘Did you sleep at all?’ And then she caved, knowing Dana’s intentions were nothing but good. ‘It’s good to hear your voice.’

Dana exhaled on the other side of the planet and Stella could almost feel it on her cheek. ‘Yeah, I need to be at work in… Two hours,’ Dana said. ‘I just couldn’t really fall asleep without checking on you.’

‘Jesus, Dana…’

‘I slept a bit on and off, I promise,’ Dana said and Stella smiled to herself as she recognized the grossly overused lie from her own repertoire. ‘Right,’ she muttered. ‘We don’t want you getting sick also, doctor Scully.’

‘Don’t worry about me,’ Scully said confidently.

‘Don’t worry about me either,’ Stella responded as resolutely as she could possibly muster in her current situation. ‘I’m okay. I’ll be okay when you get back from work tonight.’

‘I’m going to call you on my break, and you better be asleep. You should be resting.’

‘I’m in the bathtub,’ Stella said as she splashed around bit for good measure. ‘Trying to get my muscles to relax.’

‘That’s good,’ Dana said, ‘Just be careful you don’t get dizzy. Don’t get the water too hot.’

Stella huffed and looked at the steam drifting up from the bubbly surface. ‘I’ll be fine, Dana.’

‘Stella, if the water’s too hot it can cause your body to dehydrate and you’ll get dizzy when you try to stand up. If you faint and hit your head…’

Stella interrupted her. ‘I won’t, I promise. I’ll text you when I get out, now you try and get some sleep before work.’

‘You know I won’t,’ Dana said and Stella sighed deeply. ‘I wish you weren’t so damn stubborn.’

‘You’re one to talk,’ Scully joked back. ‘I’ll close my eyes and think of you, like you said,’ she added, ‘Maybe I’ll get some minutes in. And please text me once you’re out of the bath.’

‘I’ll let you know when I’m back on the mainland,’ Stella promised. ‘And if I feel worse, or better, or if I miss you.’

‘Sounds good,’ Dana said softly. ‘And I’m sorry if I interrupted your bath.’

‘Hey,’ Stella said seriously. ‘Don’t do that. You know you can always call me. I just need you to get your sleep.’

‘And I need you to be okay,’ Scully whispered. ‘Please.’

‘I will be,’ Stella said, to Dana but also to herself. ‘I have you to look after me.’

‘Yes you do,’ Dana sighed and Stella heard the edge of exhaustion on her voice. ‘Dana, close your eyes,’ she implored. ‘I’ll be here when you wake up.’

‘All right,’ Scully finally gave in. ‘Try to rest, Stella.’

‘I promise. Now sleep and go save lives.’

‘Talk to you later.’

Stella smiled as she imagined Dana in her bed, eyes heavy and tired, the alarm set for just an hour from now. ‘Bye,’ Stella finally said as she knew she had to be the one to sever the connection. Dana would stay on the phone with her until she had to get up if Stella would let her. So as she pushed the red button and put her phone back on piano music she hoped Dana would be able to close her eyes and dream of her, like she would dream of Dana. And then, weeks, maybe months from now when they would see each other again they’d have all these dreams, stories, fairy tales to tell each other and to slowly build together into their own version of reality. Because yes, Stella felt like she was caught in a storm at sea. But if Dana was the ocean and their deep bond was her vessel she had nothing to fear, for together they were complete.


	23. Day Nineteen - part two

Stella texted Dana as soon as she was out of the bath and felt equally glad and wistful when she didn’t get a reply. She set about trying to do some yoga, gave up as soon as her upper leg started to cramp up about ten minutes in and decided to, albeit reluctantly, follow Dana’s advice and crash on the sofa with a cup of tea and a book. The letters danced in front of her eyes and soon she had to put that down as well, annoyed with herself and her body.

The buzzing sound of her phone against the hard wood of her coffee table woke her.

It was Dana, checking in during a five minute gap she’d managed to carve out at work. Stella told her about her deeply rooted feeling of uselessness and Dana reassured her that this was all that she could be expected to do at this time, and Stella hung up feeling a little better.

That night she called earlier than she was supposed to, but Dana had assured her it was okay and she’d be home. She had also told her that she’d be mad if Stella wasn’t in bed, so Stella put her phone up against some books on her night stand and pressed the video call button as she lay down her head.

Dana picked up almost immediately, even though Stella was calling almost an hour too early.

‘Hey, how are you?’ she asked.

‘Is this a good time?’ Stella had to confirm, even though Dana had picked up and it looked like she was home. ‘Yeah, yeah,’ Dana nodded, ‘I got to leave a little early.’

‘That’s good,’ Stella said in an attempt to move the conversation towards Dana. Scully however saw right through it. ‘I see you’re in bed, good. How are you feeling?’ she asked.

Stella licked her lips and readjusted her head against the pillow. ‘I’m okay. I took some paracetamol earlier and it’s taken the edge off… whatever it is that I have.’

‘You should see if you can get tested,’ Scully mused. ‘I don’t want to,’ Stella answered her. ‘I shouldn’t take a test off someone who could need it more than me.’

‘I hear you,’ Scully agreed, ‘But you need to make sure you get tested as soon as your symptoms get worse.’

‘I know,’ Stella sighed. ‘They haven’t gotten worse, Dana. It’s stagnant for now.’

‘Well, I suppose that’s a good thing,’ Scully said. ‘Just make sure you’re writing down your findings as well, you might think nothing is changing but you might be getting used to the feeling.’

‘Yes sir,’ Stella mocked her lightly. She reached behind her phone and held up her journal for Dana to see. ‘Contact journal in the front, symptoms in the back.’

Scully looked longingly at her. ‘God Stel, I wish I was there with you.’

‘You’d get sick also.’

‘Gladly.’

They were lost in each other’s truths for a moment, both of them thinking back to earlier days together when the magic of sharing a bed had seemed almost as precious as it did now. Only back then Scully had been able to push her cheek into Stella’s skin, and Stella had covered them with her blanket and they’d been safe, so safe.

‘What’s the first thing you’re going to do when all of this is over?’ Stella asked as she looked off into the distance to form her own answer.

‘Easy,’ Scully said immediately. ‘I’m flying over there and I’m never leaving.’ She watched how Stella squinted as she took in Dana’s answer. ‘I’d be okay with that,’ Stella said softly. ‘Yeah, that’d be okay.’

‘Good,’ Dana smiled at her. ‘Because that’s what I’m doing. Now sleep, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.’

‘Sleep well, Dana.’

‘Good night, Stella.’


	24. Day Twenty

‘I don’t want to talk about how I feel,’ Stella stated as soon as Dana’s image appeared on her screen. ‘I feel like I’m discussing my state of being all the damn time and I’m done.’

‘All right,’ Dana chuckled, slightly amused by Stella’s annoyance. Being a doctor she was used to patients talking about themselves all the time but she knew Stella’s relationship with self-care was a mysterious one and she’d never expected Stella to update her as often and as dutifully as she had, so Stella’s statement did not come as a surprise. And she deserved it, Scully thought. ‘What do you want to talk about instead?’ she asked.

‘You,’ Stella answered without thinking. Dana shook her head lightly. ‘No, no, I have a better idea.’

‘Oh?’

‘What did you think of me the first time you saw me?’

Stella frowned. ‘What is this now, truth or dare?’

‘No, but… We could do that later, when you’re up for it,’ Dana mused with a wicked smile on her face. Stella chuckled and bit her bottom lip. ‘All right.’

‘So?’ Dana asked, knowing Stella too damn well.

‘You’re not going to let me get away with this, are you,’ Stella sighed. ‘Nope,’ Dana shook her head proudly.

‘Okay,’ Stella said, slightly uncomfortable, but not looking for a way out. They had never actually talked about this and even though it amazed her it had also been quite comfortable, because Stella’s pride had yet to admit to herself that Dana Scully had not retired from her mind since the first moment she’d seen her.

‘Okay,’ Dana agreed eagerly as she leaned back against her sofa. ‘It was at the conference, right?’

‘Yes,’ Stella said as she sunk back into the pillows of her bed a little, letting her mind wander back to the day she’d first laid eyes on Dana Katherine Scully. ‘I’d seen your name in the program, and I was obviously very interested in your lecture. But as soon as you walked on stage I think some part of me wanted to get to know you.’

Stella sighed and allowed her heart to inform her next words. She had thought about this a lot, quietly, and she’d concluded ages ago that the butterflies in her stomach during the lecture had not just been sexual attraction. Her heart had known right at that moment, and Dana deserved to know that. ‘I thought you were beautiful, and so intelligent,’ Stella said softly. ‘Your achievements seemed incomprehensible to me, and I don’t just mean academically. You had experienced so much, it truly felt like life had tried to knock you down so many times and you got back up every time, higher and higher, and here you were, the strongest woman on the planet but still you were open and vulnerable. I was taken aback by how honest you were. It intrigued me to no end.’

Dana suppressed the instinct to belittle herself or Stella’s opinion of her. She just smiled and took the compliments as they were handed to her, even though she wanted to do so much more.

‘I had no idea who you were but everything about you made me want to know more,’ Stella admitted quietly. ‘I think I almost called you that night.’

‘But you didn’t.’

‘No, I fucked the bartender,’ Stella smiled in a wistful, almost regretful smile. ‘I wonder what would have happened if I had called you that night.’

‘I don’t think I’d have been ready,’ Scully admitted. ‘I saw you in the bar that night. And I thought of you later. If you’d have called we might just be friends.’

‘You might not believe this,’ Stella said, her voice truthful but teasing, ‘But I did not intend to have sex with you at first. I wanted to talk to you as a medical professional, maybe even as a therapist.’

Scully chuckled, then turned serious again. ‘I do believe that,’ she said, thinking back to their first day together. ‘We work well together. I really enjoyed going over your case in the park.’ Stella nodded as she thought back. ‘That was really wonderful.’

‘When did you know?’ Scully suddenly asked.

‘Know what?’

‘Come on, Stel,’ Scully grinned. ‘You know what I’m asking.’

‘Dana…’ Stella knew very well what Scully was asking but somehow she didn’t want to say it. It had been a strange and rough time in her life and thinking about the weakness of her heart on that trip made her defiant and almost angry at herself.

‘When did you know you loved me?’ Scully asked, her voice calm but strong.

Stella stayed quiet, pursing her lips at the woman she loved on the other side of the world. Silence stretched between them until Scully couldn’t take its weight anymore. ‘All right, I’ll go first. The hug. Remember? In Central Park, we hugged and it just felt so right. I don’t know if I saw a romantic relationship happening at that point, probably not because I didn’t know you and we weren’t supposed to see each other after New York, but I knew I had very deep feelings for you.’

‘Can I tell you something?’ Stella asked quietly. She felt strong, bold, and even though what she was about to say scared her to no end she desperately wanted Dana to know.

‘Of course,’ Scully said, ‘Anything.’

Even through the quality of their video call Stella noticed the glimmer of insecurity that crossed Dana’s eyes. She wanted it gone, needed it to disappear and never cross paths with this wonderful creature again, but she knew it was part of Dana’s DNA even though she reserved it for very few occasions. Sadly, her relationship with Stella was one of those. ‘Dana,’ Stella said softly before taking a steadying breath. ‘I… I’ve never had this conversation with anyone. I’ve never told anyone when I knew I loved them. It’s… not something I’ve ever wanted to do before.’

‘Never?’

‘Never.’

‘Then don’t tell me,’ Scully said, a smile having landed across her features, masking any insecurities or worries she might still have. ‘I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable, you know that.’

‘Over breakfast.’

‘What?’ Scully frowned a little at Stella’s seemingly random statement.

‘I knew over breakfast.’

Scully’s mouth fell open slightly but she remained quiet, coaxing Stella to reveal more.

Stella sighed as she felt Dana’s invisible hand in hers, leading her along. ‘Before we even knew each other I spotted you in a café. You had all this food in front of you, and you looked so happy. I thought to myself I’d be fine if I controlled it. I thought I could control it, Dana, but I had already lost.’

‘Not lost,’ Scully said softly. ‘No,’ Stella agreed. ‘You’re right. Nothing was lost. Nothing that would not be found again, kinder, sweeter, better.’

‘So when I said it,’ Scully pushed, tears of love brimming her clear eyes, ‘What did you feel?’

‘I was so afraid,’ Stella admitted readily. Her heart was open, so open, but she knew only one person would look inside. Sometimes she didn’t even allow herself inside the depths of her feelings, in the recesses of her brain, but Dana was always welcome there. ‘I was afraid to love you back. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t know that I did. I wouldn’t have allowed you to say it if I didn’t feel the same.’

‘I know,’ Scully smiled.

They quietly marveled at how easily their conversation had turned. Rarely did they speak so openly about specific moments in their relationship, about specific feelings or emotions because they rarely felt brave enough to visit that turbulent time. But when they did, like today, it was magical and powerful and even though they were miles apart Scully felt Stella’s spirit next to her as if the woman herself had just walked in. ‘Thank you for sharing that with me,’ she said softly and she watched how Stella kissed her fingers and held them up to the screen. ‘I do love you, Dana Scully,’ she whispered. ‘So much.’


	25. Day Twenty-One

Stella woke up feeling slightly disoriented. The room around her was light already, but she didn’t hear her alarm. Sun was creeping in through a gap in her curtains and it warmed one particular beam across her body, leaving the rest carelessly unattended, but that wasn’t what had woken her up – her phone. She heard her phone buzzing.

‘Gibson,’ she answered without looking. ‘Hey Stella, it’s me,’ a familiar voice warmly rolled along her brain. Slowly waking up she realized it was Scully. ‘What’s wrong?’ she asked on instinct, suddenly more than half awake. ‘Nothing,’ Dana reassured her quickly. ‘I woke up and I dreamt about you, and I wanted to tell you about it before I left for work.’

‘It’s early, Dana,’ Stella whined. ‘It’s 5am here, Stel, my shift starts at 630 so I’m justifiably awake,’ Dana covered for herself. ‘As for you, you’re ill so you should be in bed and stay there. I’m sorry if I woke you up.’

‘That’s okay,’ Stella rasped, and Dana sighed internally at her own inability to leave Stella be for a day. She just needed to tell her about the dream.

‘What did you dream about?’ Stella asked as if she’d read Dana’s mind.

‘What do you think?’ Scully teased. ‘Us,’ Stella concluded softly. ‘Yeah,’ Dana breathed. ‘I dreamed that we were back there, in New York, together. God, I miss you.’

The line stayed quiet for a moment as Stella’s mind traveled back in time to New York again, to the days in which they had cemented their future without knowing it. Oh how she longed to go back there, time travel with or without prior knowledge if only it’d mean she could be there again. ‘I miss you too,’ Stella admitted. ‘Did you dream about when we first met? Or was it more recent, like we were there right now?’ She heard Scully shift a little and felt she wanted to see her, tucked away against the headboard of her bed, but she didn’t tell her. She would see Dana tonight.

‘We knew each other already,’ Scully said. ‘As if it was today, but it isn’t.’

‘No, it’s not,’ Stella mumbled wistfully. ‘You know what we should do?’

‘What?’ Scully asked.

‘We should make plans to go back. Make a schedule, a list of things we want to do. And then once we can, when we feel safe again, we can go there and do everything we want.’

‘I don’t want to go there, I just want to be with you,’ Scully sighed. ‘I want that too, so much,’ Stella answered, ‘But I want to walk those streets again. With you by my side, holding my hand like you used to.’ She heard Scully breathe out slowly, and she knew Scully could see exactly what she did. Them, together, walking up to their dream house in either Chelsea or Brooklyn Heights. It was a dream they’d both had, one that wouldn’t be a reality for a long time if it ever came true at all, but it was something they both thought about sometimes. 

‘I’m afraid it’ll be a long while before we’re allowed to travel again,’ Dana admitted softly. ‘It might be a year before we see each other. We have to be realistic, Stella.’

Stella’s heart clenched but she knew Dana was right. She’d done the calculations herself, it wouldn’t be smart to travel soon even if she was allowed to do so. ‘I know,’ she said. ‘We’ll have to make do with what we can do.’

‘We can still see each other,’ Dana said. ‘You can take me on your walks on my days off, we can video call during your day if you want.’

‘I like that,’ Stella said. ‘I’ll take you to the beach again sometime.’

‘Please,’ Scully said. ‘I love that.’

Stella licked her lips and blinked heavily against the weight in her body still pulling her down into the bed, making it hard to even hold the phone up to her ear. She put her phone down on her nightstand and put Dana on speaker. Dana heard her struggle a bit. ‘How are you feeling?’ she asked carefully.

‘Not great,’ Stella admitted, ‘But I’ll be okay, Dana. I don’t feel worse than I did yesterday.’

‘That doesn’t mean anything,’ Dana said, ‘but I’m glad. How’s the fever?’

‘Okay, I think,’ Stella said. ‘I’ll measure it as soon as I get out of bed.’

‘You can stay in bed if you want to,’ Scully told her, the doctor and carer in her coming to the surface. ‘As long as you feel ill you need your rest as much as you need anything. Just make sure you eat.’

‘Yes, doctor,’ Stella smiled. ‘I wish you could make me soup or something. I’d like soup.’

Scully chuckled. ‘I wish I could make you soup. I make a mean chicken broth.’

‘Looking forward to tasting it,’ Stella said.

‘As soon as we can, Stel,’ Scully promised her with a tender touch to her voice.

‘As soon as we can. Be careful at work, love,’ Stella finally whispered. Scully sniffed and Stella could see her smile behind her closed eyes. ‘I will. Call you tonight?’

‘I’ll be waiting,’ Stella hummed.

As she ended the call she felt her heart well up in her chest. She wasn’t used to being the one left behind, the one sitting at home, but here she was and she knew that right now her health should come first. There had been times in her life she hadn’t cared much for how she felt or what shape she was in. Being here, watching Dana save the world while she felt useless had made her reflect on those times and it had made her realize something. Without Dana Scully her life would be so different. Less valuable. Less beautiful. And she planned on taking some time today to write down her feelings, so she could read them to Dana tonight.


	26. Day Twenty-One - part two

That evening Dana couldn’t wait to see Stella again. She’d been missing her, the blonde being on her mind all the time as she worried about Stella’s health. She looked and sounded ill and Scully knew that the last thing Stella wanted was to look unfit, she’d avoid or cover it at all costs, so to see her admit defeat in front of her was both charming and scary. It must be an extreme exercise in trust for Stella, and Dana was fully aware of the vulnerability Stella was showing her by openly keeping her updated about how she was feeling. Scully felt better knowing that Stella wasn’t holding back from her, but she was worried sick that Stella might me feeling worse than she was letting on. The facts were there, she was still running a fever and she looked in worse shape than she said she was, but Scully had trouble remaining objective where Stella’s health was concerned – but as long as she couldn’t see her, really see her, she couldn’t draw any conclusions.

So for now she trusted her girlfriend to know best, to inform her of anything she felt was getting too serious, and to call her if things changed. They talked a lot more than before and Dana loved it, but it made her miss Stella’s presence around her more and more every minute she didn’t see or hear her.

When Stella’s phone rang fifteen minutes early Stella was ready.

She was tired, ready to fall asleep, but she had been struggling to stay awake for Dana – she had written down things to tell her, words she had trouble saying that had somehow flowed easily from her still moderately feverish and therefore only moderately filtered brain. ‘Hey,’ she greeted the image of Dana Scully on her screen.

‘Hey,’ Scully said softly, ‘I missed you.’

‘You spoke to me this morning, and we texted all day,’ Stella smiled. ‘I know,’ Dana just said and they shared a smile that spoke more than anything they could ever say.

‘Are you home?’ Stella tried to figure out where Dana was, but her background was dark and she couldn’t see. ‘Yeah,’ Dana nodded, ‘I’m in my office.’ Stella pursed her lips. ‘Work?’

‘Hmm,’ Dana merely breathed.

‘I want you to go and lay on the sofa,’ Stella asked intently. ‘Or bed, if you prefer.’

‘Why?’ Dana asked.

‘Because we’ve been talking about us so much recently that I had to write some things down and I’d like to read them to you.’

Scully licked her lips and nodded, finding her way to the living room with her phone held in front of her. ‘Okay,’ she said as she leaned her head against the cushions.

‘Okay,’ Stella repeated, breathing deeply once, twice to steady herself. ‘Remember, it’s your fault I’m turning soft.’

‘I know,’ Dana smiled, ‘and I’m not sorry.’

‘You shouldn’t be. Now. First and foremost, most importantly, I need you to know that I regret nothing I did or said with or to you. Absolutely nothing. I know you might think I consider my life before you as more independent, more free, but that’s an illusion. Freedom was not lost to you. I now share it with you and it is one of the most extraordinary experiences I could ever imagine having. The thing I feared, a lack of control, is actually the thing I adore the most for it shows us our love.’

‘You wrote that?’ Dana asked quietly, a small smile pushing through her already impending tears.

‘Something like that,’ Stella smirked. ‘You get the idea.’

‘You should write poems or something,’ Dana complimented her. ‘I only write for you, love,’ Stella assured her. ‘There’s more.’

‘My God,’ Scully mumbled as she tried to relax in Stella’s focus. ‘Are you going to make me cry?’

‘Not my intention in the slightest,’ Stella said earnestly, ‘But words that come from the heart have the ability to touch souls.’

Scully shook her head lightly at Stella’s way with words. She watched how Stella folded her legs underneath her in the glowing light of her bedroom, the peachy soft tones dancing off her pale skin.

‘Someone once said – Love takes of masks we fear we cannot live without, but know we cannot live within,’ Stella continued softly. ‘I don’t know if I’d concluded I was on a dark path when we met, but I certainly feared showing you all of myself. I feared not your judgment, but your disinterest. Luckily I got neither.’

‘Total opposite, in fact,’ Scully smiled. Stella returned the smile and watched how it slowly fell away from Scully’s face as her brain took her back to when they first met. ‘I still can’t believe everything we’ve managed to do together.’

‘Hmm,’ Stella agreed. ‘I hope you know that my mask wasn’t one I ever planned on taking off. And I don’t think I took it off. I think you did. You and your incredible bravery, unmatched by anyone I’ve ever met. Your ability towards self-expression and your passion combined with your talent make for a deadly combination, and on top of it all you are the most majestic creature I’ve had the pleasure of dancing with.’

‘Stel…’

‘Shush,’ Stella smiled, ‘Just listen, you’re not going to hear this very often. You are everything I could want, Dana, and you made me realize it by not making me do anything at all. You might remember this differently, but to me you just gave me your all and said here I am, yes, I’m scared, and yes I’m out of my comfort zone but isn’t that where we grow? And you made me choose the only thing I could – you.’

A tear had escaped the stern gasp of Stella’s resolve and as it rolled down her cheek she caught it with a finger, wiping it away without much strength. Dana watched as her own cheeks felt damp, and she realized she wasn’t even sure when her tears had started rolling freely. ‘I know you weren’t looking for more than a hookup, and I’m sorry I complicated things,’ she said softly to Stella. ‘What? Dana…’ Stella breathed as she shook her head. ‘The only thing you complicated is my air miles program.’ Scully chuckled. ‘I know, I didn’t mean in a bad way. I just hope I’m not causing you unnecessary pain.’ Stella shook her head and a lock of hair came free from its confines in the loose ponytail at the back of Stella’s head. ‘Some pain is necessary. And some isn’t there at all once you realize what you have at the end of it.’

‘Stella, that’s beautiful,’ Dana said as her voice broke. ‘What else did you write? You should seriously consider working on that.’

‘I don’t want to,’ Stella said. ‘It’s just for us. There’s more, but I’m saving that for later. I have to keep you interested somehow,’ she winked. Scully blushed lightly. ‘Somehow I don’t see that’ll be a problem. I’ve seen more of your bedroom now than I have since we’ve know each other.’

Stella looked around. ‘It’s missing something, though.’

‘Really?’ Scully teased. ‘And what is that?’

‘Some ivory, and a dash of ginger,’ Stella whispered.


	27. Day Twenty-Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for self-harm.   
> This one got angsty. I'm sorry.

Nothing.

For almost a whole day, Stella felt nothing.

No sadness, no longing, no inexplicably deep yearning for someone else. Just grey, plain nothing.

Where the past few days she’d been okay, in love, almost happy despite their current situation she’d now woken up feeling empty. Blank.

She looked for answers in the numbers on her thermometer, telling her she was still running a low fever. The dark waves left behind by a long-forgotten black tea bag caught her attention and pulled her down a spiral of… of what? Nothing.

She cursed herself. This wasn’t good. But there was nothing to escape it – she was to stay at home and not expose herself to anyone if she could, and she could, so the door stayed shut and the curtains were open but the outside world seemed miles away.

Then, slowly, as time crept on so did her thoughts and darkness found its way all too easily. She showered in an attempt to wash away her tears before they fell. She took a nap hoping to dream of happier images than her brain could provide her in the waking world. Nothing seemed to work, and every step she took led her deeper and deeper into the forest of her subconscious struggle.

Around dinnertime she gave up on feeling better. Something, anything would be an improvement from the nothingness that had surrounded her. She knew she had to cook something, felt her body crave for any kind of nutrition other than tea and the cracker she’d had for breakfast, but she had below zero interest in actually creating food that would be worth eating. It frustrated her to no end that her body had given up on her, and the simple fact that she couldn’t seem to fully feel the sting of disappointment, or the annoyance brought on by her illness, or in fact even that frustration should make her feel scared. But she didn’t.

She even contemplated telling Dana not to call her. Nothing about her was worth talking to, or about, and she felt utterly defeated by her own brain as she tried and failed to rationalize her state of mind. Finally Stella texted Dana saying she’d be okay to skip their video call tonight if Dana was busy, and she knew deep inside that it was just a way of telling herself she tried to cancel. Dana didn’t need her to explain that either and it took her only a few minutes to reply.

_I’ll call an hour early if that’s okay. I’m home and I want to talk to you._

The surge of something akin to sadness that ran through Stella’s body disgusted her, but at least it was something.

_You really don’t have to, but any time is fine._

She knew Dana would call and she knew she would pick up. She already knew she’d either be cold and distant and push Scully away or she’d cry, cry and cry and it would take minutes to stop and she doubted if she was both ready and able to deal with that right now. Fear danced around her peripheral and there was very little she could do about it.

Stella settled herself on the couch with a glass of scotch. The wine had been abandoned along with her care about drinking while sick, or on paracetamol, or on an empty stomach. As her blood alcohol levels rose so did her anxiety, and she found herself breathing heavily to keep her body from shutting down as she saw herself reaching for a candle and a lighter. Fire burned her vision and then the wick as a gentle flame shone its amber light around her living room. She sighed deeply as the glow rudely reminded her of sunlight in Dana Scully’s hair. Her fingers danced along the edge of fire, the border between warmth and weakness and soon she burned herself, the flame eating away at her resolve as she held her finger just a tad too close for comfort. But she didn’t want comfort. Comfort was the last thing she needed right now. So she swept her finger across again, close to the flame, and hissed in something close to relief as the pain touched her heart.

Then, her phone rang.

Stella felt a shiver run across her body as she reached for her phone and saw Dana’s call. She sighed and bit her lip, tears already mocking her as she looked at the flame and saw Dana’s smile. ‘Dana,’ she breathed as she accepted the call and put her phone against the bottle of alcohol that had found its way to her coffee table. Scully appeared on her screen and the second she looked at Stella she stopped. ‘Are you okay?’ she asked softly.

Stella squinted and looked around her big, empty living room before focusing on the glass in front of her. The ice was slowly melting next to the candle and if she tried hard enough she thought the sheer energy in her gaze would make the glass explode with confusion.

‘Stella…’ Dana said, a slight warning tone to her voice. ‘You can tell me.’

Stella shrugged half-heartedly and huffed, her intention to appear fine or indifferent if nothing else but she felt a wave of nausea overwhelm her as she thought of how she must come across to Dana. I’m not a victim, she reminded herself. Fuck you, Stella.

‘It’s fine, really,’ she offered, ‘Just not a great day. How was work?’

‘No, I’m not having it,’ Scully shook her head. ‘Come on. Out with it.’

Stella stayed quiet. She licked her lips and bit her tongue, trying to focus her energy on anything but Dana Scully’s pleading, kind, understanding eyes. ‘I said I’m fine,’ she breathed and barely any sound made it across the ocean but it carried waves of meaning nonetheless. ‘Okay,’ Scully said methodically, grasping onto everything she knew about Stella and human psychology to try and find a rope leading into Stella’s truth. ‘Your fever. How is your temperature? Any changes since this morning?’ Stella eyed her for a long moment before shaking her head lightly. ‘No changes. Just feeling a little hot but the chills I had yesterday weren’t as bad today.’

‘Okay good, that’s good,’ Scully nodded as she grabbed a notebook and scribbled something down. ‘Headache?’

‘Hmm,’ Stella nodded. ‘Could be completely unrelated.’

‘Could be,’ Scully agreed. ‘Any other symptoms?’

‘I don’t know, Dana,’ Stella sighed. She felt annoyance boil up from deep within and she tried with all her might to keep from taking it out on Dana but she knew it wasn’t fully up to her.

‘What kind of candle is that?’ Dana pointed a finger towards the camera, trying to point out where she saw a flame light up Stella’s face. ‘Cedarwood and spice,’ Stella mused as she cupped her hand around the flame. ‘It’s warm.’

‘Careful,’ Dana warned on instinct as she watched Stella play with the danger of the flame. Something sparked in Stella’s eyes and Dana bit her lip as she frowned. ‘Stella, careful.’

‘I won’t burn myself,’ Stella said defiantly. ‘I don’t feel it. I’ll stop when it hurts.’

‘It hurts, Stel. Stop.’

‘It’s fine.’

‘It’s not fine. Please, stop. For me?’

Scully watched how Stella shivered involuntarily and how her hand waved across the flame one more time, unable to stop itself as it was too caught up in the current of Stella’s loneliness. Then, Stella directed her eyes towards Dana’s and she was hit with a wall of ice cold blue. ‘I’m fine.’

Scully felt it deep down in her heart, the cold steely gaze Stella had rarely used on her if ever before. She saw her, the ice queen, the mask Stella feared but craved. There was pain there, resentment, and something else Scully recognized as Stella’s unique form of loneliness. It scared Dana to see all of this through the limitations of a video call, and she needed it to stop. ‘Listen to me, Stella,’ she urged. Stella’s eyes flew to hers for a moment before focusing on the flame in front of her. She stayed silent.

‘I love you, and I need you to be okay. Even if you don’t know what that means or if you don’t feel like it’s worth anything. I need to know that you are at the end of this. It hurts, I know it does but we, we have to be okay or what else is there for me to hang on to? It’s you, Stella. You can get me through so if you can’t do it for yourself please hang on for me.’

Silence.

Then, a trembling voice.

‘I’m not depressed, Dana.’

Scully sighed as a frown carved its way between her brows. ‘I don’t care what you call it. Whether you tell me or not, or even if you include me or you shut me out. As long as you get through this and are with me.’

Scully watched the screen on her desk intently and slowly but surely she witnessed how Stella’s mask shattered bit by bit, piece by piece. It fell down, crumbled under the pressure of a love Stella had never known before, until finally there was nothing left to protect her raw, naked heart.

Scully saw Stella’s brow furl, the line on her forehead a sure sign of conflict and before her eyes had fully focused on Stella’s she noticed their deep blue dams breaking. ‘Fuck, Dana,’ Stella shook her head lightly. ‘I woke up feeling nothing. I’d forgotten what that feels like.’

Dana smiled widely in acknowledgement through the silent tears that mirrored Stella’s. As liquid slowly seeped its way down Stella’s cheekbone, across the expanse of her cheek down to her jawline Scully watched it, kept guard at the edges of Stella’s courage and waited for her to be ready to talk. After a few moments of silent sobs she was.

Stella swallowed and licked her lips before pushing the candle away a bit and focusing on Dana, finally, fully. ‘God damn I missed you,’ she breathed. ‘I can’t do this, Dana.’

‘Of course you can. If anyone can do this, it’s you.’

Stella shook her head. ‘That’s not what I meant.’

‘Then what?’

Stella’s eyes flitted from the candle to Dana and back again. The story that played out in the stretching silence was as clear to Dana as a theatre stage, and she really didn’t need Stella to explain any further, but she knew Stella needed to say it to believe it and to be able to stop it. ‘I felt nothing,’ Stella said and her voice broke with the last bit of resolve she had. ‘Nothing.’

As she bit her trembling lip Stella felt tears well to the surface in a hurling wave of emotion. It all came rushing back, everything they’d said and done in the past three weeks and in the rest of their lives together. The weight of every minute felt both unendurably heavy and light as a feather as it pushed Stella to tears on a day on which she had felt barely anything at all. She allowed herself to cry, unable to stop herself even if she wanted to. ‘It’s okay,’ Dana whispered in an unsteady voice, and Stella saw Dana’s tears streak down her cheeks as well. ‘I knew you’d make me do this. Don’t cry,’ Stella waved her hand weakly. ‘Dana, I’m sorry. Don’t cry.’

‘You’re so strong, Stella,’ Scully whispered through her tears as she smiled at her girlfriend and it was true. She’d never met anyone as strong as Stella Gibson. On their first night together she’d seen Stella’s scars, the lines that one by one stitched together a story of a human being who survived. Who chose to feel rather than to give up. And even though Scully wished Stella had never reached for a razor in her life she knew it had gotten Stella through the rough bits, and in some strange way she was grateful for it meant that she was here today. But Scully needed Stella to realize that she needn’t seek refuge in pain any longer. Stella herself had told her that it was all in the past. However now that she couldn’t check, couldn’t run her fingers across healed skin, couldn’t check methodically while kissing her slowly Scully was afraid. Afraid of what else Stella might have used to burn the nothingness inside of her.

Stella shook her head lightly not in dismissal of Dana’s statement, but in dismissal of herself and her state of mind. She looked up at Scully and attempted a smile, but her emotions were still too raw and pure to even fathom a sliver of real happiness. ‘I knew seeing you would make me feel,’ she whispered softly.

‘Then why didn’t you call earlier?’ Scully begged. ‘Stel, any time.’

‘I don’t know,’ Stella said truthfully.

‘All right,’ Scully said resolutely as she wiped her tears. ‘Get your dream journal and rip out a page.’

‘What…’

‘Just do it,’ Scully said. ‘Please.’

Stella eyed her for a second before nodding and disappearing out of view. Soon she was back with her journal, a pen and one of the pages ripped out. ‘Got it.’

‘Write this down and stick it to your headboard. Or to your kitchen table, or your door. Anywhere you’ll see it often. Write down: We’ll get through this together.’

Stella smiled as she felt the power of Dana’s words as soon as she wrote them down. Tears came to her eyes again and she pushed them down, blinking a few times to suppress a second wave of the ocean within. ‘I’ll pin this to the fridge,’ she said. ‘Thank you.’

‘Stel…’

‘I didn’t do it, Dana. That’s in the past, I promise.’ Stella’s eyes were soft and open as she answered Dana’s unasked question. She knew what Dana was worried about. She’d been worried about it too. Her fingers had itched, yearned for that controllable kind of pain that stung but also soothed. But as she’d thought of blood, of finding a piece of skin to turn red, she’d thought of Dana’s hair splayed out across her thighs. Dana’s lips on her skin, kissing her past and giving her a future. And somehow her hand hadn’t reached for the razor, but for a towel instead and she’d taken a shower and washed her hair instead of retreated to that dark part of her soul on the inside of her thighs or the soles of her feet.

Stella heard Dana exhale slowly. ‘Good, that’s good,’ Scully said. ‘It’s not worth it, Stella.’

‘It was you,’ Stella said softly.

‘What?’

Stella directed her eyes to Dana’s and held them, the fire back in her soul as her gaze pierced into Dana’s heart. ‘It was you who kept me from doing it. I did think about it, wanted to do it, anything to just… feel. But you stopped me.’

‘I’m glad, Stella.’

‘Me too.’

‘Are you okay?’ Scully asked carefully.

‘No, but I will be,’ Stella said confidently and Scully believed her. She believed the gentle flicker of Stella’s gaze as it bore into hers. Stella needed to feel, she needed passion, a wild spirit that needed to be free and was tired of being contained. ‘Go to the beach or something tomorrow,’ Dana suggested softly. ‘Or a forest or something. You know how to stay safe, and you need to get out. Call me when you’re there and you can show me.’

‘I’ll do that,’ Stella agreed. ‘Don’t worry about me, Dana, please,’ she added softly. ‘I’m not going to do anything stupid. We promised we wouldn’t.’

Scully smiled and Stella felt it warm her already melting heart. She returned the smile this time, genuinely feeling better, more peaceful and strangely almost happy.

‘So,’ Dana said, ‘Your symptoms.’

They talked for a long while after. About Stella’s health, Scully’s experiences at work, their countries and the situation they found themselves in. Neither one of them mentioned the flame again. Both of them thought about the scars on Stella’s thighs and one of them laid a hand carefully across them, not to locate a weak spot, but to protect the tender skin that needed her to keep it safe until the other’s hands and lips could take over that task once again.


	28. Day Twenty-Three

It wasn’t a forest, but there were trees. No shore was in sight, but there was water, and Stella decided that this was just one of those things she’d have to settle for. Beaches were closed and she didn’t feel like going into a forest by herself, not after the numerous bad experiences she’d had while on duty, so she’d opted for the park. London had many beautiful parks, and some of them weren’t even that busy even though there were more than enough people to get on her nerves. She suppressed her anger though, breathed deeply and rolled up her sleeves as she dug up her headphones from the tiny pocket in her yoga pants and plugged them into her phone.

As she set off a path uphill she dialed Dana’s number. She’d promised to show Dana the area, talk to her about what she saw and what she felt, and even though Stella felt a lot better than she had yesterday she wasn’t looking forward to talking about herself again. So she focused on what was around her, the flowers and trees and everything else she could show Dana, just to avoid talking about herself. She found the park to be a lot prettier and more peaceful than she had anticipated – choosing the smallest paths meant she didn’t run in to many people at all and she was glad, glad she didn’t have to put on a fake smile. No more pretending.

‘Stella,’ Scully said as soon as she answered the phone. ‘Hold on, I’m… Give me two minutes.’

Stella heard rustling on the other side and something bubbled up inside of her. ‘Are you naked, Dana?’ she teased. ‘As a matter of fact, I just got out of the shower,’ Scully’s voice sounded muffled and far away. ‘Well, I don’t mind,’ Stella said, ‘And even though I’m in a public park there is hardly anyone around.’

‘I’m not video calling you naked while you’re out walking, Stella,’ Scully said sternly. ‘That’s ridiculous.’

‘Another time perhaps,’ Stella grinned. Dana hummed. ‘It’s fair to say you’re feeling a bit better then?’

‘Fair to say,’ Stella breathed. ‘It’s quite beautiful out here.’

‘Okay,’ Dana mumbled finally. ‘I’m ready.’ Stella held her phone out and accepted the video call and a smile warmed her from head to toe as Dana’s flushed face appeared on her screen. She stopped and admired the view for a few seconds, getting lost in the eternal glow of Dana Scully’s freshly showered face. ‘God you look gorgeous.’

‘Stella,’ Dana waved her away. ‘You made me rush and now I’m sweating again.’

Stella licked her lips and raised her eyebrows. ‘Another shower perhaps?’

‘Shut up,’ Scully smiled happily. She was glad Stella was joking around with her, the playful glint in her eyes as real and genuine as her pain had been yesterday. Stella’s face was bare of any make-up but she looked calmer, more rested and grounded than she had yesterday and it made Scully’s heart sing with happiness. ‘So where are you?’ she asked. ‘All I see are trees.’

‘The park,’ Stella said vaguely. ‘After yesterday I just felt like staying a little closer to home, and the beach might be too crowded anyway. It’s surprisingly quiet here.’

‘I’m glad you’re okay,’ Dana said softly. She didn’t want to talk about it too much, knowing all Stella wanted to do was burn it from the memory of time, but she just had to tell her she was glad Stella had trusted her.

‘I wasn’t going to hurt myself, Dana,’ Stella said softly as she looked around to see if anybody would overhear. There was no one around her as she took another left into an even more secluded path uphill. She ducked to avoid a branch and felt her muscles already start to ache from the exercise. ‘It’s strange, I don’t know what brought it on. I read back through my dream journal and my diary to see if anything could have triggered it but I am at a loss.’

‘Sometimes we just feel like shit,’ Scully said. ‘And that’s okay.’

‘I know,’ Stella said softly, ‘It’s just been a while since I felt that way. I didn’t like it.’

‘Neither did I and I’m glad you let me talk to you.’

Stella sighed and licked her lips before looking rather seriously at Dana. ‘No matter what I say to you or what I message you, unless I’m in hospital, I do want to talk to you. Don’t let me convince you otherwise.’

‘I know,’ Dana nodded as she returned Stella’s small smile. ‘Trust me, I’ve been there. I’m also not going to let you get away with it that easily. You’re stuck with me.’

‘I wish I was, Dana,’ Stella breathed. ‘You’re too far away for my liking.’

‘I’m right here.’

‘Don’t let me forget it.’

‘I won’t,’ Scully promised. ‘Now, show me that beautiful city of yours.’

‘All right,’ Stella smiled as she felt immense gratitude for the woman on her screen. Her heart was fragile as it was, still recovering from yesterday’s debacle and even though she felt strong talking to Dana she didn’t feel safe hearing herself. The line between self-acceptance and self-loathing was paper thin and even though she’d lived on the right side of that knife’s edge for a long time she knew it was easy to slip and feel its deep stab sting within her soul. Scully kept her safe, held her hand and preserved her balance and it made her strong but also weak and that was something Stella had to learn to coalesce. She knew the process, had been there before but she wished she never had to return for it forced her to look too closely at herself. But now, out here, she could look around her and see beauty in other things, in flowers, plants, the clouds and the sun. And in Dana, who was still there, observing her as Stella’s brain worked.

She realized Dana had asked her to see her view. ‘Hold on, I’ll turn the camera,’ she said. ‘No, just circle around, I want to see you as well,’ Dana stopped her. Stella chuckled. ‘There is not much to see.’

‘I see beauty, and I want to see more,’ Dana whispered. Stella felt her cheeks flush and she smiled again, amazed by her own ability to be so easily enamored by Scully even after all this time. ‘I’m almost at the top of this hill, I’ll show you then,’ she said. Scully looked too smug, she thought, but she let it slide for now. ‘Okay, I’m here.’

Stella held her phone out as far as her arm could reach and turned around slowly, showing Dana the grassy hills far behind her and the white, yellow and red flowers that stood closer to Stella. There were roses, tiny daisies and Stella even spotted a few poppies. ‘It’s beautiful,’ Scully sighed. ‘Is that the same park we visited when I was in London?’

Stella felt her muscles curl inside her skin as she realized that yes, it was. She hadn’t meant to go here, specifically, but something had brought her here. As the tingling sensation moved down her back and into the tips of her fingers she closed her eyes for a moment. ‘Yes, it is,’ she said. ‘I almost forgot.’

Scully stopped herself from cracking a joke and instead just watched the beauty that was Stella Gibson accepting another part of herself that could no longer be denied. She was now the woman whose heart took her to places she needed to go. She’d followed her heart more times for Dana than ever before in her entire life, and Dana knew it, so every time it happened Dana made sure to catalogue and remember it forever. ‘It’s really something,’ she whispered to Stella. Stella nodded. ‘Unlike anything I’ve experienced before.’

Neither was talking about the view. Neither pretended that they were.

And when Stella walked down the hill a little later, Dana still with her, she felt a small part of her click into place once more. She waited for Dana to finish her story brought on by the memory of them together in the park. When Dana licked her lips and smiled at her she held her gaze for just a second too long. ‘What?’ Scully asked softly. ‘You know how much I care about you, don’t you,’ Stella asked, her voice soft as butter but lined with grave sincerity. ‘I do,’ Scully confirmed quietly, struck by Stella’s sudden candor, ‘But I’ll never tire of hearing you say it.’

Stella tried to suppress a grin. She deserved that, she’d practically asked for it.

‘I love you,’ she whispered, but this time she didn’t look to see who might hear for there was no one on the planet who wasn’t allowed to know the irrefutable fact that she, Stella Gibson, loved Dana Katherine Scully.


	29. Day Twenty-Four

After having the day off going back to work felt like an almost insurmountable task for Dana. As she gathered her things and grabbed her car keys she yearned to call Stella, but she didn’t, knowing she shouldn’t push her too much. After messaging her good morning Dana left for work, her one consolation that Stella would be waiting at the end of it.

Then, halfway through her shift and just before lunch, all hell broke loose and Scully felt obligated to stay and pull a double shift. With only an hour in between shifts she hoped she’d get to talk to Stella at all, and she texted her during lunch to inform Stella their usual date had to be canceled. It would be the first time in over three weeks.

Luckily Stella was available earlier and they ended up video chatting from awkward angles, Scully from the rooftop the hospital and Stella from her dinner table as she ate. ‘What are you eating?’ Scully asked curiously. ‘Soup,’ Stella said with her mouth half full. ‘It’s not very good.’ Scully smiled. ‘At least you have your appetite back.’

‘Hmm,’ Stella agreed while chewing away at the vegetables. ‘Fever has gone down too.’

‘That’s great, Stel,’ Scully breathed, surprised although she shouldn’t be at the rush of relief that flooded her body. ‘About time,’ Stella groaned and Dana couldn’t agree more. ‘So when are you free again?’ Stella asked as she pushed her bowl aside for now. ‘Hmm, let me see,’ Scully pondered. ‘Double shift today, I’m teaching tomorrow and then I should be free Friday.’ Stella smiled. ‘Good, me too. You can take me somewhere.’

‘Can that somewhere just be my home?’ Scully sighed. ‘I feel like I might want to stay in bed all day. And I have a funeral to attend.’

‘Oh no,’ Stella said. ‘I’m so sorry, I didn’t know.’

‘Oh, it’s fine,’ Scully said as she attempted a weak smile, ‘I don’t think I’m going to go.’

‘If you feel like you can’t, then don’t,’ Stella said softly as she knew the feeling all too well. ‘You should only go of you feel like it helps you grieve. If you need it to say goodbye… Or if someone else needs you there, you can consider going if it doesn’t hurt too much. But if something inside of you tells you not to then please, stay home. You can call me, we can talk about whatever you want. There is no shame in admitting that it hurts too much.’

‘I know,’ Dana sighed as she looked past Stella and out across the street. ‘No one needs me there but I feel like I owe it to him.’ Stella looked at Dana’s face, saw how tired she was already and knew that tomorrow would weigh heavily on her exhausted soul if she didn’t listen to her heart. She gathered all her strength and tried to get through to Dana in whichever way she could. ‘Dana…’ Scully found her eyes and instantly knew Stella was right. She hadn’t said anything yet and already Dana felt she was right. ‘I know,’ Scully said.

‘Don’t hurt yourself so you can help others,’ Stella said clearly. ‘Don’t do anything silly.’

‘But it might be the last chance we get at a proper funeral,’ Scully pointed out. ‘There are rules in place but we are still allowed to say goodbye. That’s a privilege.’

‘If you ordinarily wouldn’t go, in a normal situation where none of this was the case then I’d implore you not to go tomorrow. But if you do go, if you feel that you have to then I’ll still be here when you come back, and I’ll listen, or I’ll talk and you listen. But only you can make that decision, Dana. Just make sure you make it with your heart because I’ve rarely come across someone whose instinct and intuition are as strong and as true as yours.’

‘That’s so sweet,’ Dana said softly as she was touched by Stella’s truth. ‘No one’s ever said that to me before.’

‘I wouldn’t say it if it weren’t the absolute truth,’ Stella said. ‘You know that.’

Scully smiled and nodded and as she did her pager went off. ‘Dammit, I’m on my fucking break,’ she cursed. ‘Stel, I have to go.’

‘Finish that coffee,’ Stella nodded towards Dana’s half full cup of dark liquid. ‘And please be careful.’

‘I will.’

‘Text me when you get home,’ Stella requested.

‘Won’t be until late,’ Scully warned. ‘You’ll be asleep.’

‘Then it’ll be the first thing I see when I wake up,’ Stella said. ‘All the better.’

‘Okay,’ Scully sighed and she pursed her lips. ‘Gotta go. Eat and get some sleep.’

‘Yes, doctor,’ Stella smiled at her. ‘Go save some lives.’


	30. Day Twenty-Five

As soon as Stella woke up she felt her mind stuck on a certain redhead, her brain still half asleep but already feeling that she needed to talk to Dana. Her dreams had brought her images of Dana Scully, peacefully slumbering in their shared bed, or reading a book on their shared couch. It had made her warm inside, but it burned her in its impossibility as soon as she returned to reality – not yet, she thought.

But as she was between worlds, stuck there where everything had an answer and nothing wasn’t right, she realized something. They could start planning. Nothing was stopping them from looking for homes, making lists, discussing color schemes and all the other things couples, but Stella didn’t, do. It was daunting and very easy to ignore with everything going on, but in the earliest moment of Stella’s day, it was all she could think about.

She took a moment to wake up and tried with all her might to hang on to that feeling. She realized pretty quickly she succeeded, at least in part, because as she wrote down her dreams in her journal they didn’t fly away on the winds of time but instead remained within her, calmly and patiently waiting for her to fully accept them as her own. She sighed deeply as the clock still read early morning for Dana – she would, hopefully, still be asleep. A text was waiting for Stella saying that at least Scully got in okay after her double shift, and she’d managed to get at least a few hours away before having to go back in as she would be teaching from home today. Stella texted her back saying good morning and asking Scully to call her if she had time in between sessions. She wanted to share her dreams, knowing Dana would want to know and frankly she didn’t want to do anything for their future without fully including Dana. Dana would make it real.

She set about calling a few people herself, trying to slowly get back into work even though she wasn’t supposed to go anywhere for at least two weeks. She craved to be immersed in work, needed to do something, anything, and the Met was more than happy to give her forms to check, correct, fill, send back, and check again. She accepted the work without question and brewed a cup of tea before starting to drown herself in badly written reports and unnecessary spelling mistakes.

The ringtone of her phone saved her from a maelstrom of frustration about two hours later.

‘Dana,’ she sighed as she answered, ‘I’m so glad you called.’

‘That bad?’ Scully answered and Stella was relieved to hear the voice she knew and loved, and not a tired, beaten down or tearful version. ‘I’m stuck in the land of errant apostrophes and unnecessary adjectives. I forgot how tiresome administrative duty can be.’

‘Why are you working?’ Scully asked and Stela heard the smile in her voice. Scully knew better than to expect Stella to just sit around being ill. ‘I craved the productivity,’ Stella explained, ‘And I needed something to take my mind off things.’

‘I recognize that feeling,’ Scully answered. ‘I’ve been preparing to teach an anatomy class and even though it’s very challenging to do so online it’s been a welcome distraction. The double shift messed with my sleep a bit.’

Stella’s heart sunk a little. ‘I hoped it wouldn’t. Did you at least get some rest?’

‘I did, it’s fine,’ Scully said and Stella believed her. ‘I’ll sleep in a little tomorrow. Anyway, you asked to call you, are you okay?’

‘Yes,’ Stella confirmed, ‘I wanted to tell you about a dream I had.’

‘Oh,’ Scully breathed. ‘Please do.’

‘Can I see you?’

‘Yes, hold on,’ Scully rummaged around until her phone was propped up in a good position and pressed the video call button. Stella appeared and a smile spread across her face. ‘Hi.’

‘Hi,’ Stella smiled widely and Dana’s heart melted with the genuine care and love that Stella showed her. ‘You look good,’ Scully said.

‘I feel better,’ Stella confirmed. ‘Looks like we’re out of the woods.’

‘Not yet,’ Scully mused.

‘No, not for a long while,’ Stella said silently as she contemplated what she’d just said. ‘You never know, do you.’

‘Hmm,’ Scully sighed as she felt the mood shift slightly. She didn’t want to pull Stella down into something she had just gotten out of, so she swiftly changed the subject. ‘Now, your dream.’

Stella chuckled as she bit her bottom lip. ‘Ah, yes. I have to admit this was the first time I dreamed anything remotely like this.’

‘Sounds interesting,’ Scully smiled. ‘So no sex dream then?’

‘Dana,’ Stella chastised lightly. ‘So naughty.’

Dana shrugged. ‘Wouldn’t be the first time, so I’m guessing no.’

Stella smiled. ‘No, I dreamed of far more idyllic images. Something further outside the current realm of possibility.’

‘What is further from reality than us in one bed?’

‘That’s it,’ Stella smiled. ‘I dreamed of that. One house, one bed. Two souls.’

Scully watched Stella’s face relax as her mind drifted back to the images that had danced around her as she’d woken up this morning. ‘Your face close to mine, bare and beautiful. Warmth, cloud-like softness and an almost fluidic feeling encompassing us as we stayed in bed all day. I want that, Dana.’

‘I want that too,’ Scully admitted softly. ‘And I promise you we will have it.’

‘Can we start looking?’ Stella cut right to the chase.

‘For what? I already found you,’ Scully smiled.

‘For a bed to ignore responsibilities in,’ Stella said. ‘A house to hide away in if the world gets too heavy. And a house to come home to when we’ve done our duties to others.’

Dana stayed silent and just watched Stella’s face for a long minute. Stella never wavered, keeping her steady gaze on Scully as they both processed what Stella was proposing. ‘Yes,’ Scully finally said. ‘Yes, we can.’

‘Okay,’ Stella said, suddenly unsure of everything she had thought she had figured out. ‘I need you to do this with me.’

‘I’m with you,’ Scully reassured her. ‘We should make a list of what we want. And we can look together, on our days off, just assess the lay of the land a little before we make decisions.’

‘I’m afraid I’ll back out of decisions, Dana,’ Stella said truthfully. ‘It shouldn’t be easy. Don’t make it easy on me.’

‘I won’t,’ Scully said, her voice clear and soft. ‘I promise you I’ll be with you even when you try to get away. You’re not getting rid of me like that.’

‘Good,’ Stella said, ‘Because even when I say that’s what I want, or when I say I don’t know what I want it’ll always be you. Somewhere deep down I’ll know and I need you to remind me of that.’

‘We just need to stay honest. Keep talking and keep sharing our dreams, Stel. That’s all.’

‘Call me tonight,’ Stella smiled softly at Dana. ‘I’ll tell you exactly what I dreamed, in great detail.’

‘Is there a bed?’ Scully winked.

Stella looked down before gracefully shaking her hair out of her face as her eyes found Dana’s again.

‘Oh yes.’


	31. Day Twenty-Five - part two

‘Getting comfortable?’ Scully smiled at the image of Stella wearing her pajamas while sitting up in bed, her hair in a messy halo of starlight around her head. ‘You may have forgotten this, but it’s quite late here,’ Stella stated seriously. ‘So yes, I’m getting comfortable. Is that okay?’ The small quirk in the corner of her mouth gave her away and she knew it, and so did Dana. ‘Yes ma’am,’ Scully smiled. ‘Always a pleasure to see you, especially like this.’

Stella blinked slowly and reached for her dream journal. ‘Would you like me to read what I dreamt about last night?’

‘Only if you’re comfortable,’ Scully warned. ‘I am,’ Stella confirmed. ‘And as it concerns both you and our future I would love to tell you about it.’

Scully lightly shook her head in wonder. ‘Our future,’ she repeated softly. ‘Who would have thought.’

‘I know,’ Stella said as she licked her lips. ‘Not me. I sometimes pinch myself to see if it’s real. And I’m still not sure if it’s all supposed to be this way, Dana. It scares me sometimes. But you know that.’

‘I do,’ Dana said as a deep urge to grasp Stella’s hand boiled up inside of her. ‘I know.’ She yearned to hold her, reassure herself that this was real and that Stella was really taking this chance on her, risking everything she’d fought for just to allow herself to love, but she knew that would have to wait. So Dana just looked at Stella, and Stella smiled at her, that all-knowing smile that had the tendency to tell her not exactly what she wanted to hear, but always what she needed to hear.

Stella’s fingers had followed her bookmark to the page where she’d last written something down. ‘Do you think I’ll stop dreaming about you when we move in?’ she wondered. ‘I hope not.’

‘I don’t think so,’ Scully smiled, ‘I think your dreams will evolve with us and grow and I’ll be there every morning to listen.’

‘I hope I don’t push you away,’ Stella said softly. ‘Please don’t let me push you away.’

‘As long as we’re honest we’re going to be okay,’ Scully tried to reassure her girlfriend. She knew Stella still had reservations about moving her life in a completely new direction, and she’d be lying if she said it all made perfect sense to her as well. But she’d been at this crossroads before, and she’d chosen her partner, and even though they were no longer together she didn’t regret much. Her choices had been hers, and hers alone, and she was making those choices again but this time with someone who represented everything she had ever wanted in her life. Many similarities helped them overcome their numerous differences, and she learned something every day, on and on until there was nothing left to learn but Scully doubted that day would ever come. And if it did come she’d still be there, next to Stella, and she’d clasp her hand through Stella’s and everything would be all right.

‘Can I read it to you?’ Stella asked quietly as she watched how Dana disappeared in her own world for a bit. ‘Yes, please,’ Scully breathed as she smiled. ‘I’m going to get a glass of wine.’

As she sipped her wine sitting on top of her bedcovers she listened to Stella’s silky voice. She told her of white flowers on their kitchen table, of how Dana would bake surprise pancakes on Stella’s birthday even though Stella liked neither birthdays nor surprises. Stella had dreamed that she’d warm to them one day, and Scully’s heart attached itself to the woman on her screen more and more with every truthful word that slid off Stella’s tongue.

‘And last night… I woke up in the middle of the night and I thought you were next to me. The curve of your back shone in the moonlight, so pale, and I counted your freckles with my eyes… But as my hand reached out you disappeared and I woke up. And I missed you, so much, Dana.’

‘They’ll still be there when we get together again, Stella,’ Dana breathed. ‘It’ll be all the sweeter for it.’ She bit her lip as there was something else she wanted to say, but Stella opened her mouth to respond. ‘You’re right, and as long as you appear in my dreams and on my screen I’ll be okay. We’ll be okay.’

Scully nodded. ‘We’ll get through this. And Stella… I thought about what you said this morning. Find me a house in London, please.’

Stella’s eyes widened. ‘What?’

‘I’d like to move to London once this is all over. I know we talked about it before, but I just want you to know that I’m ready to move. If that’s okay with you.’

‘I don’t think it ever sunk in the way it just did,’ Stella sighed as Dana watched her shoulders slump in relief and love. ‘Yes, Dana. I’ll find you a house in London.’

‘I want to help,’ Scully answered and Stella heard the eagerness in her voice where she outwardly appeared calm and relaxed. ‘Send links, or pictures. I want to look at it all.’ Stella chuckled as a current of charged electricity found its way through her body. ‘I will,’ she said. ‘I don’t think I want to do it without you. I… I don’t think I can.’

‘I’m sure you can,’ Dana shook her head, ‘but it’s better together.’

Stella pursed her lips and exhaled calmly.

‘I’m starting to learn that that is true for very many things.’


	32. Day Twenty-Six

*

_My love,_

_These are my thoughts. I wrote this down a while ago and found it while I was looking for that picture we took, you know, the one I love so much. I found it. But I also found this. Call me tonight. X_

Attached was a picture. It showed a page from a well-used diary, filled with elegant though slightly erratic handwriting.

_The city changed us._

_Between concrete blocks and foundations of stone, where we were invisible to the world, I could see you more clearly than I have ever seen anyone before. You showed me that I, too, was built on a solid base of rock upon which I am free to create whoever I want to be._

_New York called you, and instead of answering her call, you answered mine._

_I was done finding myself, and found it was high time I lose myself in you._

_I feared I might lose myself to you, but my love, you would never take that which isn’t given to you._

_My soul belonged to you before I even knew how to give it. I thought I would lose who I was if I allowed you to have me, but the truth is that even though I didn’t know who I was, I knew I was who I was supposed to be._

_*_

Somewhere across an ocean, a woman pressed her deep blue eyes shut. Her hand trembled as she read the message and regarded the picture – for long moments she didn’t move, she was stuck to the ground as she felt, so much, and so deeply she wished she could hold her heart in her hands and soothe it. Every single word touched her unexpectedly and she swallowed against the tears that were welling up and flowing over like rain drops on a cold glass window. ‘I love you,’ she whispered, and shot a little prayer up into the sky to who, or what, ever had caused this woman to love her.

To choose her. 


	33. Day Twenty-Seven

‘Missed you,’ Scully said, her voice relieved and hopeful as she saw Stella’s face appear on her screen.

‘It was one day, Dana,’ Stella stated and Scully was struck by the steely backbone to Stella’s voice. It pierced her heart in a way that felt unsafe and lonely, and immediately Scully felt worry and fear soar up through her chest. ‘I know,’ she said carefully, ‘Sorry. Are you okay?’

‘We’re used to not seeing each other for months,’ Stella pointed out. ‘This is a luxury.’

‘There is nothing luxurious about any of this, Stella.’

‘I know that.’

Scully sighed. ‘Should we start over? I don’t want to fight, Stella.’

‘I’m not fighting.’

‘But something’s up. You know you can tell me. Please.’

Stella shook her head and her demeanor turned even more distant than it had been with the slight raise of her chin. ‘I’m fine. How was work?’

Scully sighed and took a moment to go over everything that had been said between them yesterday and today. Had anything triggered some kind of problem or fear for Stella, or had something happened that Dana didn’t know about? She had often referred to Stella’s brain as a dark maze, one in which she could find the light if she tried hard enough, but today it was pitch black. Scully knew that it was by Stella’s choosing, if she didn’t want to let Dana in then Dana would be forever guessing. It had happened before, but it was rare. Scully knew yesterday’s text message and the short conversation that had followed had been very open and vulnerable, but there hadn’t been any sign of Stella’s discomfort then. They hadn’t video called on Dana’s request but she’d been thinking about Stella all evening. ‘Is it… Does it have something to do with yesterday?’

‘Of course not.’

Scully sighed again in deep frustration, trying to keep herself from raising her voice at the woman who had texted her not to call today when not three days ago she’d told her to ignore those messages. ‘Come on, Stella. Give me something here.’

‘I want to hear about your day,’ Stella said. ‘How are you holding up?’

Scully had decided not to attend the funeral of her coworker yesterday, and even though the decision had been the right one she did feel somewhat uncomfortable about it and Stella needed to divert any attention away from herself, so she took a deep dive into Dana’s honesty and trust. ‘I hope no one gave you a hard time.’

Scully shook her head. ‘They didn’t. But I don’t want to talk about that.’

‘Then why did you call? I told you not to.’

‘And earlier you told me to ignore you when you do that. To not let you pull away.’

Stella’s eyebrows moved from a frown into uncertainty as she contemplated what Scully had just said. ‘I say a lot of things I don’t mean.’

‘Well, let’s just say I know when to listen.’

‘I’m glad,’ Stella said, and her voice turned slightly softer as the harsh, sharp edge seemed to melt away under Dana’s warmth.

There it was. A firefly in the darkness reaching out to her. She knew better than to ignore it, but it was fragile, so her approach needed to be as feather light as the equilibrium in which their conversation was balanced.

‘You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,’ Scully said softly, ‘But I do need to know if you’re okay. And if you’re not you can just say so and we’ll talk about something else, you don’t even have to look at me if you don’t want to, or we can hang up and talk again tomorrow but please just let me in.’

Stella gazed at Dana for a long while. Silently, Scully counted the seconds as they passed, and with each moment she saw Stella’s brain fight itself against years and years of emotional walls that Dana had overcome before, but that sometimes fought their way back around Stella’s heart. Finally, Stella’s shoulders slumped a little and she dropped her chin before meeting Dana’s eyes. ‘I don’t want to hang up.’

‘Good. Neither do I.’

‘I had a nightmare,’ Stella breathed slowly. ‘Yesterday, after our conversation. I fell asleep on the couch and I dreamt that I lost you.’

‘Oh, Stella,’ Scully sighed as she leaned in to be as close to Stella as possible. ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘When I woke up I reached out for you, but of course there was nothing but emptiness. I thought it was real.’

‘And then I texted that I didn’t want to video call,’ Scully nodded as she started to understand how the events had followed each other in Stella’s mind. ‘So you pulled away.’

‘I didn’t pull away, Dana. I just need some time to see if I’m still… independent.’

‘If you’re still you,’ Scully whispered. Stella nodded. ‘Did I take that away from you?’ Scully asked quietly, her eyes open and a little afraid. The last thing she wanted was to take Stella’s most valuable possession, her strength, everything she had worked so hard to protect.

‘No,’ Stella said softly. ‘It took a long time for me to see who I was with you. There is no need for me to define any more than I already have who I am without you.’

Scully swallowed. ‘I know who you are. You are the strongest, most powerful and beautiful woman that I know. With me, without me, it doesn’t matter. You are you and I don’t ever want to change that.’

‘Thank you,’ Stella said gratefully, a dazzling and tender smile playing around her lips. ‘And thank you for not allowing me to hide.’

‘It’s okay if you want to hide,’ Scully said. ‘If you need time, or space, I understand. I just need to know if you’re okay.’

‘I’m okay,’ Stella nodded. ‘I’m…. yeah. I’m okay.


	34. Day Twenty-Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for mentions of self-harm and loss of parents.

_Can we talk?_

The message rudely interrupted Dana’s free afternoon after her morning shift and sent her brain in overdrive.

_Of course_ , she texted back, _call me when you want._

She was off duty for now, reading through a doctor’s magazine on her sofa when the message came in. She wanted to call Stella immediately, but she knew it’d be best to let Stella come to her.

_Are you not working_? Stella texted back.

_Just got off, I had the early shift. Call me_. Scully put her phone down on her coffee table and eyed it suspiciously, waiting for Stella to contact her.

And twenty minutes later, Stella did.

‘Stella,’ Scully answered her call. ‘I’m glad you called.’

‘Yeah,’ Stella breathed. ‘I’m not interrupting anything?’

‘Not at all,’ Scully said reassuringly. She heard Stella breathe steadily again and the way she seemed to have to pace herself made Scully a little uncomfortable with worry. ‘What did you want to talk about?’

‘I want to tell you a story,’ Stella said softly. ‘Of a girl who hurt herself.’

‘A case?’ Scully asked, and then it dawned on her. ‘Oh.’

‘Not a case, Dana,’ Stella said and Scully could hear the soft and endearing smile that must have formed around Stella’s lips. ‘But… It’s just a story, okay?’

‘Okay,’ Scully agreed, knowing she was about to be blown away by Stella’s infinite courage again.

‘I need to apologize for yesterday,’ Stella started. ‘I shouldn’t take my bad mood out on you like that.’

‘It’s okay,’ Scully said, and she meant it. ‘It’s not, and I’m glad you pushed me to talk yesterday,’ Stella responded. ‘I want to talk about a girl who watched her mother shut herself out of everything and everyone. And I want to tell you that even though I’m her daughter, I don’t want to end up in her image. But it’s just a story.’

‘All right,’ Scully agreed. ‘Just a story.’

‘The girl lost her father to an illness when she was young. But subsequently she lost her mother, even though they lived under the same roof. They didn’t talk for months. The… The girl was left to her own devices to process her loss, not of one but of both of her parents in vastly different and emotionally scarring ways.’

Scully sighed in deep empathy for this girl, this woman who had seen and withstood so much and was now showing her another little piece of her battered heart without having to do so, simply because she wanted to. Scully stayed quiet, Stella breathed deeply and went on.

‘A few of those habits stayed with her. She lashes out against love sometimes, for she doesn’t trust it. Desire, yes, she knows how to wield that in her favor. But not love. Never love.’

‘Stella,’ Scully whispered. Stella didn’t respond, but instead continued to speak in the rhythm of her heart.

‘She felt so alone, so abandoned that she started to close off from the world as well. But she couldn’t, didn’t want to, so she found ways to feel. Every day, as she walked on the wounds that made up her foundation she felt the pain. And she grew stronger and stronger for it. Different coping mechanisms emerged and life went on, but the foundation remained and so did the scars and-.’

Stella stopped and swallowed and Scully heard her sniff. ‘Stel, you don’t have to tell me,’ she said softly. ‘I do,’ Stella whimpered, her voice not filled with hard steel but with cold, heavy tears this time. ‘But it’s just a story.’

‘Right,’ Scully said.

‘Every time I… she sees the scars, Dana, every single time she’s reminded of how utterly afraid and alone she felt. The anger, the pain… It never really goes away.’

As the line went quiet Scully heard light shuffling around of blankets and surmised Stella was trying to hide her tears.

‘So… In ways of protecting her tender, trusting heart the girl decided that she’d be better off alone,’ Scully filled in the parts that Stella couldn’t. ‘And when someone gets too close the fear returns.’

‘The fear is always there,’ Stella said softly. ‘But as long as you trust me and I trust you we can work it out together.’

‘That’s a rough story to have to carry with oneself,’ Scully said. ‘It is,’ Stella agreed. ‘But everyone has a story to tell. The trick is to find someone who’s willing to really listen.’

Neither of them said anything for a few minutes. Scully thought of young, beautiful Stella, hurting and alone, and how she had grown into the woman who she yearned to hold in her arms. Finally, Stella spoke again. ‘I dreamt that I lost you and the pain came back. My waking mind knows better than to venture into that pain but my dreams betrayed me. I can’t lose you, Dana.’

‘You won’t, not that easily,’ Scully tried to reassure her. ‘Not if I can help it.’

‘Good,’ Stella said. ‘I’ll tell her.’

‘Tell who?’

‘The little girl,’ Stella answered, her voice soft and strong. ‘I talk to her sometimes.’

‘Well,’ Scully breathed, ‘Please tell her she is loved, and she is safe. And she can tell me anything she wants.’

‘I’ll do that,’ Stella responded. ‘I don’t trust love, Dana. I never have. But I’ve learned to trust you and that is enough.’

‘I miss seeing you,’ Scully said. ‘I want to see you.’

‘Tomorrow, love.’

Scully reluctantly agreed even though she wanted nothing more than to look into Stella’s tearful eyes. ‘Thank you for telling me what you needed to say,’ she said. She heard Stella lick her lips before she replied. ‘I’m sorry for ruining our schedule. I can video chat tomorrow and I promise I won’t bail on you.’

‘I won’t let you,’ Scully said, her voice full of conviction. ‘I know when to listen to the stories you don’t tell, Stella.’

‘And I love you for it, dear,’ Stella mumbled. ‘Talk to you tomorrow?’

‘Tomorrow.’


	35. Day Twenty-Nine

Dana couldn’t wait to see Stella again the next day. She’d been thinking about the blonde all day, imagining that she saw her walking through the lobby or somewhere in traffic when in fact there had been no one at all. She’d texted her and gotten a basic response, one that betrayed nothing of Stella’s feelings or desires.

Scully missed her, yearned to talk to her, and she couldn’t put her finger on why but she even felt a little nervous. Time dragged on slowly as Dana’s morning shift seemed to last forever. Finally she was relieved as the evening shift came in and she could leave, yearning to be home, yearning to see Stella’s face on her phone screen.

She showered, put on comfortable clothes, cooked dinner, ate it and waited. Waited for the clock to indicate the right time so she could call Stella again without looking needy or dependent. She knew she wasn’t, and she knew Stella didn’t ever see her that way, but still she waited.

When her phone rang to alarm her of Stella’s incoming call about fifteen minutes ahead of schedule she almost didn’t believe it.

She accepted the call happily, settling herself into the corner of her couch. ‘Hey,’ she said as soon as Stella appeared on her screen. ‘God, it’s good to see your face.’

‘Sorry I’m early,’ Stella apologized as she set down her phone against something and Scully watched her step away a little to reach up and put her hair in a messy bun. ‘I wanted you with me.’

Scully smiled at the image before her. She was looking at Stella Gibson, stripped of all her work attire and covered by just a peach colored silk bath robe. Her face was bare, open and raw and Scully thought she might have been crying, but she didn’t ask. The whole image was very beautiful and it almost hurt to look at, Stella in her space, the private parts of her life on Dana’s screen solely because Stella chose to share them with her.

‘I knew you were going to pull something like this,’ she smiled as the image in front of her explained her nervousness all day. It was obvious that Stella had been thinking about her as well, and Scully secretly kicked herself for not getting into the luxurious lingerie she’d been contemplating putting on. However she was also glad to just be able to sit back and watch the performance Stella was apparently ready to give her. Stella tried to play innocent. ‘I don’t know what you mean.’

‘Of course you don’t,’ Scully shook her head lightly with a smile plastered on her face. ‘The… uhm… bathroom looks cozy.’

‘Hmm,’ Stella agreed. Dana heard light piano music fill the background and she watched how Stella elegantly stepped her foot up onto the edge of the tub. ‘You don’t mind, do you?’

Scully just chuckled and watched how Stella set about wetting the pale skin of her long, slender leg before slowly and meticulously shaving it. She arched an eyebrow at Dana’s silence and Scully pursed her lips in defeat, indicating that Stella would have to deal with her silence if she was going to seduce her like this. Stella’s robe slid down her thigh a bit more, revealing more of Stella’s skin than Scully had dreamed of seeing tonight, and Scully groaned lightly. ‘Tease,’ she said. Then, with a deeply sincere undertone: ‘I’m glad you’re feeling okay.’

‘You said you missed me yesterday,’ Stella hummed, ‘and then again this morning. And I thought… If we’re going to be sharing a house we need to get used to being in each other’s spaces.’

‘Somehow I don’t think that’ll be a problem,’ Scully smiled, ‘But I like the way you think.’

‘There is nothing more intimate than observing a woman’s bathroom rituals,’ Stella said. ‘They’re inherently unique, sacred almost. But I want to share it with you, and I’m hoping you’ll share yours with me too, soon.’

‘Yes,’ Dana just said. ‘I want to share everything with you.’

Stella just licked her lips and regarded her, searching her eyes through the lens of her phone camera as she read the truth from Dana’s irises. Then, Stella turned back to her leg, shaving it before applying a lotion of some sorts and shifting to her other leg. Scully watched, relaxed, felt her breathing calm down with the smooth piano tones that were coming from Stella’s warmly lit bathroom. Stella finished shaving her legs and put away the razor after giving it one last contemplative look.

Then, she fetched a little basket from the side of her vanity. ‘What color?’ she asked Scully, he voice hoarse from the weight of their shared space and time. ‘Emerald,’ Scully said and Stella hummed in appreciation. ‘My favorite on you,’ she said, and Scully blushed.

Scully watched how Stella found a position in her chair that allowed her to paint her nails and look at Dana, one foot still up on the edge of her tub. ‘How was your day?’ Stella asked. ‘I thought about you a lot,’ Scully admitted. ‘It helped me get through my shift. It was rough.’

‘I’m sorry you have to go through all of this.’

‘It’s fine, really,’ Scully said. ‘Just doing what I can. And seeing you at the end of the day makes it all worth it.’

‘I can’t imagine doing what you do,’ Stella said softly. ‘And I’m glad to know this helps.’

‘Of course,’ Scully breathed as she leaned a little closer to her camera. ‘Stella, seeing you every night means so much. I hope you know that. You’re the reason I’m still pulling through.’

‘And you are mine,’ Stella said softly as she continued to calmly paint her nails. Scully kept looking at her, hoping she’d turn her head and see the truth and finally, Stella did. Their eyes met through the camera and even though direct eye contact was an impossibility, their connection transcended their technical limitations. ‘I wouldn’t want to do this without you,’ Scully said. ‘Me neither,’ Stella replied honestly. ‘Now shush, I don’t want to mess this up.’ She turned her attention back to her toenails and Scully bathed in the warmth that she felt, the love that was everywhere and meant everything.

They spent over an hour doing mundane tasks. Stella brushed her hair, Scully changed into her pajamas and put on a face mask. They talked about the good qualities of avocado as skincare and about using aloe vera as aftersun, and somehow the normality of their conversation clamed both of them down into a state of complete relaxation. ‘We should do this more often,’ Stella hummed as she crawled under the covers of her bed while holding her phone up. ‘I feel like I could fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.’

‘We should,’ Scully said. ‘Good night, Stella.’

‘Good night,’ Stella replied.

‘I love you,’ Scully whispered as she watched Stella reach for the hang up button. ‘Love you,’ Stella’s heavy voice accompanied her sleepy face as a tender smile spread across her cheeks before she disappeared from Scully’s screen.


	36. Day Thirty

Stella: _Good morning, love. Have a good shift today._

Scully: _Good morning, I hope you slept well. Thank you, I will. Will be thinking of you though_

_I’m house hunting. Will send links if I find something that might tickle your fancy_

_I’d rather you tickle me. And thank you._

_Look at this one, it has the porch you insist on getting._

_It’s so cute! Looks dark, though. I want to live in the light with you._

_We can provide our own light. But you’re right, and it’s ancient. How’s work?_

_Okay as long as I have time to talk to you._

_I’ll be here tonight when you get off duty_

_Can you imagine there’ll be a day that we can come home to each other?_

_It seems as far from the imaginable truth as it ever will be, but yes, actually I can._

_Me too. I love you._

_This one has a balcony_

_I’m not partial to balconies._

_Well then you find one with a porch. This is London, my dear. We don’t have porches._

_That’s okay, I just need one thing and I’m pretty sure it’ll be there_

_You mean me?_

_Why would you think that?_

_You know I am a detective, right?_

_Well detective me this, someone just offered to work tomorrow for me so I have an actual day off._

_That’s amazing. I’m so glad, you deserve a break._

_Can we go house hunting together tomorrow?_

_Absolutely_

_I love you. I’ll call you later._

_Please do._


	37. Day Thirty - part two

‘Hi gorgeous, how’s the hunt going?’ Scully asked cheerfully as Stella appeared on her laptop screen. She’d decided she needed Stella on a bigger screen today, and she’d made a rather comfortable setup on her bed as she’d already changed into pajamas and was about to start a pizza. She smiled at Stella, who appeared to have walked straight out of any home magazine – her hair was up in a perfect messy bun, her glasses framed her beautiful face and there was something about her serious but slightly disheveled look that made her irresistibly sexy to Scully.

‘Don’t call me gorgeous,’ Stella frowned in an attempt to sound serious. ‘It’s not going at all, I temporarily suspended my search so we can continue together tomorrow.’ Scully raised her eyebrows. ‘Are you procrastinating, Stella Gibson?’

‘No, not at all,’ Stella defended herself as she pushed her glasses back onto her nose. ‘I got busy with work, and you said you wanted to be part of it, so I… no, I didn’t procrastinate at all.’

‘All right, I believe you,’ Scully threw up her hands in surrender. ‘How was the rest of your day?’

‘You know,’ Stella shrugged. ‘The same.’

‘Still feeling okay?’

Stella nodded. ‘Not too bad, thank you. How did your shift go?’

‘Okay, I guess. We’re getting more and more beds to cope with the demand, but so far so good.’

Stella noticed the faint red lines that remained on Scully’s face, a mark of the mask she’d been wearing all day she knew, and Stella sighed inwardly at this sign that Scully hadn’t been home long. She had showered and changed though, and Stella was glad to see her relaxed and in a good mood.

‘I’m glad you’re okay,’ she said and Scully smiled at her. ‘I am. It’s rough but it’ll be okay. I’m happy to see you, though.’

‘Me too,’ Stella agreed. ‘So if we are going house hunting tomorrow, do we need to make a list of things we want?’

‘I have a list,’ Scully smirked as she reached over to the side to grab her notebook. ‘I had to supervise a three-hour long meeting today and had some time on my hands so I thought about what our house would look like, what it should have.’

‘I thought you only needed one thing,’ Stella teased.

‘Well yes,’ Scully bit her lip, ‘But there are a few things that would be nice.’

‘Like a porch.’

‘Hmm,’ Scully nodded and winked at Stella to indicate she was kidding about the porch, it really wasn’t that important at all if she didn’t have Stella to share it with.

‘So,’ Stella started as she also grabbed a pen and paper. ‘Non-negotiables, needs, wants, would-be-nice. You start.’

Scully sighed as she flicked through the pages of her notebook until she found the page she’d written things on. There were only a few words, scattered in no particular order or pattern across the blank white surface. ‘I thought I had more,’ she laughed lightly at herself.

‘You’re going to move countries, Dana,’ Stella said, ‘You need to make sure you end up where and how you want.’

‘I know,’ Scully held up her hand. ‘Don’t worry, I have thought this through.’

‘I know,’ Stella said as she tucked her chin a little. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘Why don’t you start,’ Scully waved her hand. ‘Non-negotiables.’

Stella scanned the page. ‘For the property… I only have a few. A bathtub. No shared front door…’

‘I’m sure we can manage that,’ Scully said.

‘I’m not finished,’ Stella continued as she looked at Dana. ‘One more.’

‘And what’s that?’ Scully squinted.

‘A porch.’

‘Stel…’

‘If it’s something you like, then it’s something I need. You’ve convinced me and I’m certain we can manage to find a house with a porch somewhere around here. And if not I’m sure we can hire someone to make you one.’

‘You do know I was joking about the need for that, don’t you,’ Scully smiled at Stella, who nodded in return, her blonde bun bouncing lightly. Stella looked at Scully, her eyes glancing over the edge of her glasses. ‘We have time, Dana. We can find a place that suits us as well as we suit each other. And we shouldn’t settle for anything less.’

‘All right,’ Scully said, ‘A porch it is.’

Somewhere deep down Dana knew she’d love it. It had always been somewhat of a dream feature and she’d had one for years, and she missed it dearly. She could see them sharing their morning coffee there, a glass of wine in the evening, or even dinner if Stella would indulge her and let her make a fuss out of it.

They talked some more about their needs and wants, both of them concluding that there wasn’t really anything beyond a decent house that either of them insisted on. They even discussed areas, neighborhoods, but soon Scully felt Stella grow quieter. ‘Hey,’ she said after a while, ‘We don’t have to do this now. We can do it in a week, a month, even a year.’

‘I want to start looking,’ Stella reassured her. ‘It’s just not something I ever thought I’d share with anyone. But I truly am enjoying it.’

‘I’m glad,’ Scully said softly. ‘But if you don’t, if you need me to back off or you need a little time you can tell me.’

‘You’re the one crossing continents,’ Stella said in an equally soft tone of voice. ‘I should be saying this to you.’

‘And you are. Tomorrow we’ll just look around and have fun. It doesn’t mean anything.’

‘It means something, Dana,’ Stella hummed quietly, ‘And that’s okay. The fact that I hadn’t expected to be here doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be. The only thing I’m worried about is that you’ll find this isn’t what you wanted and if that happens you’re stuck here.’

‘I won’t be stuck,’ Scully said confidently but softly. ‘Stella, I love you. This is no rash decision. I’ve thought about this a lot.’

‘All right,’ Stella finally agreed. ‘Tomorrow we look at houses.’


	38. Day Thirty-One

_Scully_

As I call you at a time I’ve never called before I almost feel nauseous. It’s ridiculous because we’ve talked extensively about this and agreed to do this, and it should be fun, but it signifies such a huge step in our relationship that I’m a little apprehensive nonetheless. These times are unprecedented and never in my wildest dreams had I considered looking at houses in London in the first place, never mind looking at them while we are in a global pandemic. It feels surreal and I feel my brain torn between accepting this as a reality or thinking it’s all a game.

The moment I see you I know you’re feeling the same. There is no pretense to the way you run your hand through your hair as you purse your lips, looking at me with a slight uncertainty that I do not think I’ve seen before. You’re walking around your kitchen, and I spot a bottle of wine in the corner before you reach for it, cling a glass loudly against the bottle as you try to grasp them in one hand and shake your hair away again in mock indifference. I give you a minute to get settled as I just watch, and think how the balance between us is always perfect like this. Sometimes I’m the messy one, and even though you’d never admit it, sometimes there is a chaos to you that is both graceful and endearing.

Soon, you settle and finally say more to me than a simple hi. You show me your setup, laptop, phone and notebook all set up on your desk and I think about how even in chaos you find strategy and order. I’m the scientist, supposedly the rational thinker, the organized one, but baby, you might just beat me for that title.

You warm to me and to our London property search as the minutes go by. Even though our search is complicated, our parameters narrowly set to avoid clutter, life feels simple as long as I just have you to focus on. You screenshare the website and I spot a few bookmarks at the top of your internet browser, one of them being the British Airways website and another the real estate website we’re currently on. I think you might have put more thought and work into this than you’re letting on.

We find a few places that might fit our needs and you pull up a map, showing me where each of them is. You’re all business about it, but the flush that has crept into your cheeks shows me that actually, you’re as quietly excited about this as I am.

You ask me if we should save the houses we like. I nod yes and you smile as you look at me. I wonder what’s going through your mind because even though I can read you pretty well there are some thoughts that you keep hidden, possibly even from yourself. We save the houses, note down a few phone numbers and finally you settle your gaze on me and wait for me to ask the question you’ve spent the afternoon answering for yourself.

I know the question. It’s been on my mind since I saw your face today. In fact, it’s been on my mind ever since you asked me if I was still interested in living with you.

‘Is this a dream, Dana?’ you wonder out loud.

‘No,’ I say confidently as my heart melts for yours. ‘This… this is as real as it gets.’


	39. Day Thirty-Two

Stella tried everything.

Reading, meditation, yoga, everything to calm her racing brain until nothing worked and the only option left in her desperately anxious mind was a run. Nothing was wrong, per see, but she felt like she was being haunted by the feeling of dread everywhere she looked. Every single object she touched reminded her of Dana. Every word she heard, saw or thought was one that reminded her of her love for Dana, and the more she wondered why this was happening the clearer it became that there was no reason and no solution. Today was just one of those days.

One of those days where nothing made sense, nothing fit right but everything clashed together.

She just knew one thing. She wanted to talk to Dana.

Somehow the dream she’d had had stuck with her throughout her morning, and she’d reached for her phone and stopped herself just short of grabbing it more times than she’d care to admit. Scully was or should be asleep, and yes they had said to always call each other when they needed to, but this wasn’t an emergency. Not yet, anyway.

So Stella stepped into her running shoes and set off towards the park, hoping and praying that she wouldn’t run into too many people as her music beat loudly in her ears.

Ninety minutes later she was exhausted physically, but mentally still very much awake as all she’d thought about was Dana.

Would they run together when Dana moved here? Would she take up swimming so they could go to the pool together? Or would Dana hang around in the hot tub while Stella swam laps, stroke after stroke until her muscles would scream to soak alongside her girlfriend?

Would Scully like it here? Would it be enough?

It was exhausting and Stella knew it was mentally tiring her out as much as running was physically draining her.

She closed her front door behind her and grabbed her phone from her pocket to turn off her music. One new message. From Dana.

_Woke up thinking of you. How are you?_

Tears welled up in Stella’s eyes, brimming over as she finally allowed herself to feel. ‘I’m afraid,’ she whispered into nothingness. She kicked off her shoes and threw her jacket to the side, stretching her legs on the stairs before heading to the kitchen to grab some water, her phone still in her hand. She wiped her eyes with the heel of her hand and reached for the tap to fill her glass. Her hand trembled as she sighed and sipped from her water. Stella leaned her back against the kitchen counter and breathed slowly a few times, trying to slow her heartbeat which was still upset both with her exercise and her anxiety.

As her breathing calmed she reached for her phone again and opened Dana’s message to form a response.

_I just got back from a run. Didn’t sleep that well, but I am okay now. Please be careful at work._

When she didn’t get a response at first she decided to send a follow-up message. One closer to the truth.

_I worry about you. Call me later._

She put her phone down on her table and headed to the bathroom. Showering quickly she tried to wash away all her worry, and she succeeded a little, feeling clean and refreshed when she came back into the living room. The light on her phone indicated a message.

It was a message with a photo, a selfie of Dana before work – her hair in a high ponytail, and Stella’s heart calmed a little when she saw Dana wasn’t wearing her scrubs – she must be teaching today, or maybe meetings. 

The message was short but sweet and exactly what Stella needed.

_Can’t wait to run together. Don’t worry, all good. I’ll see you after work._

She took a moment to just look at Scully before texting back.

_Go save the world, gorgeous. I’ll be here when you get back._

And she was. As soon as her phone rang, at a time not even close to their usual, Stella’s heart jumped and her smile widened. Scully appeared on screen, clearly tired but still in one piece, and at this moment that was all that mattered to Stella.

They had to get through this. And together, they could.


	40. Day Thirty-Three

Stella’s hair had been getting more and more unruly as time went on.

She’d been trying to keep it in check at first, straighten it, curl it, tame it but frankly she couldn’t be bothered as her time at home went on.

So she let it run wild.

A stray blond lock here, a grey hair there – she saw it all, observed it, mocked it quietly and moved on. Buns became her signature, neat ones at first, tucked away in the curve of her skull. Slowly she let them run wild as a curl escaped here, another tendril there, until finally she started every morning with a sigh and a few flicks of her wrist on the top of her head.

The fluffy bun that formed there was now her signature look, along with the glasses and she’d quickly learned to dress it up for work – a simple silk blouse instead of a casual t-shirt often did the trick. She knew Scully liked the glasses, and she needed them as looking at a screen was wearing out her eyes more than usual. She’d ordered new ones, but for now her simple black Gucci frame was the look that she saw and approved in the mirror every morning.

And the best thing about it all was Dana’s response to her dressed-down, raw beauty. She’d been afraid to show the natural coloring of her hair, the way it played along the edge between gold and silver, and she’d always resented and hidden the specks of grey that had started to show themselves a few years ago. She was positive that Scully had never seen a grey hair on her body, and that’s how she’d liked it, until now.

Every time she appeared on Dana’s screen in a t-shirt and that bun, bare of make-up and bare of pretense, she felt their connection grow. She saw a tiny pause, a little intake of breath, a tiny shiver that ran through Dana’s heart every time Stella showed her pure self to Scully, and lately that had been happening more and more. Scully had never commented on it, but she’d looked, roamed her eyes along Stella’s hairline and raked her gaze through her messy updo. Stella liked it, but she felt more vulnerable and naked than ever before.

But somewhere along the way… Somewhere during this road untraveled Stella had learned something. She’d found that the story she wanted her life to tell was one that had Dana in it. She wanted to narrate a world where she came home to love, where she dared to be herself and where she needn’t worry about power or control. Vulnerability was hard, but it was also the key to happiness. The key that she’d hidden long ago, and she had needed Dana to find.


	41. Day Thirty-Four

‘Stella?’

‘Hmm?’

‘Would you rather be together and not be able to touch me or come within six feet of me, or not be together at all and just communicate like this?’

‘What kind of question is that?’

Scully shrugged. ‘Just wondering.’

An exasperated sigh left Stella’s body and Dana watched her eyes change until they had a slightly irritated edge to them. ‘I don’t like the question.’

They’d been casually chatting about nothing in particular because Stella was in a bad mood, but Scully had insisted on talking her into a better one. It hadn’t worked up until now, but Stella had been trying to be as accommodating to Dana as possible. Scully had been trying to make her smile, and she had seen, heard and felt every effort and she appreciated it. It just wasn’t working.

She’d just gotten word that she would be allowed back to work soon, but the whole country seemed to be falling apart at the seams, and the conflict between economy and public health and safety was weighing heavily on Stella’s mind. She’d tried to cancel on Scully again, but Scully hadn’t let her, but today was one of those days where Stella really wished she hadn’t picked up the phone – for Dana’s sake.

But Scully pushed on, using her determination towards Stella’s mood to distract her from her own worries. ‘Just answer the question, Stella.’

‘No,’ Stella answered. ‘I’m not in the mood for games.’

‘It’s not a game, it’s a genuine question. Someone had the audacity today to tell me it was a good thing that my partner lived across the ocean and not a few streets away because they were having trouble not seeing each other, as if it wasn’t just as difficult for us.’

‘It’s a factual impossibility for us to see each other right now, Dana,’ Stella sighed. ‘They have a point.’

‘Oh come on. We would be able to keep our hands to ourselves.’

Stella raised an eyebrow. ‘Physical comfort is often sought out in times of emotional distress or damage. It’s not unlikely that human beings would seek comfort where they usually wouldn’t.’

Scully shook her head. ‘I don’t believe you. So you’d rather not be together at all?’

‘For the sake of temptation that would be preferable for everyone, I think,’ Stella replied dryly. ‘I’m not referring specifically to our case. Anyone not currently living with their partner will have an increasingly hard time being away from each other. They should either isolate together or, in our case, stay away completely, no matter how hard that is. If everyone goes to see their beau on and off the pandemic will thrive.’

‘Wow, you really are in a mood,’ Scully muttered.

‘I’m just being realistic.’

‘Okay, not together at all. Noted. I still think we would be able to live in the same city and stick to the rules.’

‘I do, too, but the urge would be harder to resist,’ Stella said softly. ‘I do miss you, Dana.’

‘Of course I miss you too,’ Scully breathed. ‘I miss holding you, and I want to kiss you. But it wouldn’t be responsible for us even if we were living in the same city.’

‘Wouldn’t we just isolate together?’

‘We could,’ Scully nodded. ‘But that’s all hypothetical. We don’t live together. But I’m infinitely grateful I still get to hear your voice.’

Stella smiled weakly.

‘Would you rather never see me again or never hear me again?’

‘Dana…’

‘Humor me,’ Scully said as she shifted further into the cushions on the couch.

Stella bit her lip as she contemplated her response, or whether to respond at all.

‘Never hear you again,’ she said after a while. ‘You can get awfully annoying.’

‘Gee, thanks,’ Scully chuckled as she felt her insides warm at Stella’s willingness to reply and play a little.

‘Would you choose sound over sight?’ Stella marveled quietly.

‘No, no, I don’t think so,’ Scully said. ‘You sometimes communicate louder through looks than with words anyways.’

‘I’m not sure I’d take that as a compliment.’

‘It was meant as one,’ Scully assured her.

‘Would you rather never talk to me again or never be touched by me again?’ Stella prompted, her chin tilting up in the air in sudden defiance.

Scully raised her eyebrow. ‘Wow.’

She thought about it for a long moment.

Her brain revisited every single moment they had talked, and every moment they had touched. It was an impossible choice, but Scully knew that was the reason why Stella had asked her.

‘Neither,’ she said.

‘Nah-ah,’ Stella shook her head. ‘You have to pick.’

‘What are you, the would-you-rather-police?’ Scully winked. ‘Okay then, what would you choose?’

‘Easy,’ Stella shrugged. ‘Never be touched by you again.’

‘Again, wow,’ Scully said, trying to look insulted.

Stella turned serious, her lips parting as the muscles in her cheeks went slack. ‘I’m infinitely more afraid of losing our mental connection than I am of losing our physical bond,’ she said quietly. ‘Although I don’t think I could live without either, when given the choice I’d settle for your brain over your body any day.’

Scully bit her lip as she felt the love Stella gave her slowly expand her heart. ‘Me too,’ she whispered. ‘That puts us in a bit of a conundrum,’ Stella wondered. ‘We’d rather look than talk, but rather talk than touch.’

‘Frankly I’d have thought you’d go for touch,’ Scully admitted. ‘To be honest I’ve been wondering how you’re holding up in that aspect.’

‘I take care of my needs,’ Stella said seriously. ‘And I’m safe about it, don’t worry.’

‘I’m not worried,’ Scully smiled cheekily. ‘Curious, maybe.’

In response, Stella just nodded slowly and licked her lips. ‘Perhaps I’ll have to show you.’

‘And I’ll have to prove how effective I can be on your body without touch,’ Scully winked.

‘Deal.’


	42. Day Thirty-Five

Stella woke up in the middle of the night. Her brain felt chaotic, black and white at the same time, and she reached for her dream journal to write down the images she felt. 

However, instead of images something else started to form between the lines on the page. Stella sighed as she ripped out the page and started again. The words wrote themselves, slowly but surely, not abiding by any rules set by ink that predated them. Neat curls danced effortlessly as Stella wrote down the lyrics to her dream. She wasn't sure if Dana would understand, hell, she wasn't even sure if she understood it herself. 

A few minutes later Stella's mind finally calmed and she re-read what she'd just written. Her fingers trembled as she found herself exhausted, it was three in the morning, she should go back to sleep - but not before she was happy with what was on the page. Tucking away her pen and note pad she settled on overthinking her next decision - should she send it to Dana? 

Thankfully the night granted her a few more hours sleep and when she woke the next morning her mind was made up. She'd send it, because she knew Dana would want to read it. She'd been so supportive of Stella's creative outlets that Stella felt like even if Dana didn't fully understand what she'd written, she would enjoy it and be thankful Stella had shared it with her.

So she cleared her coffee table, waited twenty minutes for the light to hit it just right and took the perfect picture of the page before sending it to Dana to read when she woke up.

_ The sun is slowly setting, reminding me of time that flew _

_ and I wish I could share this wonder with you _

_ My days are filled with living, there's nothing else to do _

_ Everything feels heavy, all except you _

_ My mind is riddled with chaos, dark and untrue _

_ You told me I would feel this way _

_ My hesitant words leave much more still to say _

_ The things I want to hear from you _

_ is that you miss me, love, but none of it comes through _

_ Because even though I see your face and hear your voice I miss you. _

She sent it and subconsciously waited. It didn't take long, in fact it was way too short before Stella saw Dana's incoming message.

_ I know it feels empty but I miss you more than anything and I will never stop saying it. I love you. _

They didn't call that night. Scully got caught up with work and Stella decided to let her be, knowing that sometimes duty had to come before everything else. She spent her evening reading, hearing Scully's voice narrate the words of Virginia Woolf to her until her eyelids grew as heavy as her heart. 

On the other side of the world Scully worked tirelessly with the image of Stella Gibson stuck on the forefront of her mind. Stella pulled her through one of the roughest shifts of her life, and when she got home she re-read Stella's text before dropping down onto her couch. She wouldn't make it to her bed today, but she didn't need to - Stella's words were as strong and beautiful here as they were anywhere else, and Stella was all she needed. 


	43. Day Thirty-Six

Scully woke up to a text message from Stella.

_ Have you meditated before? I'm looking into it more seriously and would like to know your experiences if you have any. Stay safe. _

She smiled to herself and shook her head in disbelief. No mention of the poem. Also… Meditation? Stella? It was something she had always been intrigued by, and she'd had many religious and meditative experiences over the years, but never had she actually gotten into the art of regular, or even daily meditation. Had Stella? Was it a part of her desired daily ritual that she just did not know about? 

_ I don't know much. I wish I did, might be good for me. Maybe we should try it together? _

Stella took a while to text back and during that time Scully drove to work, a meditation session with Stella on the forefront of her mind. When she exited the car and grabbed her phone a message just popped up.

_ Maybe. I've done it before but I haven't kept up. I enjoy yoga more than the silence. I can show you if you want _

Scully sighed as she realized there was indeed a whole part to Stella's morning or evening ritual that she did not know about. Yoga? Yes, Stella was very flexible, but she was an athletic woman who swam a lot - nothing about her flexibility had ever screamed yoga. Or had it? Scully searched her memory and found that indeed, Stella could bend and stretch her body in ways that might point to a level of yoga that Dana could only aspire to achieve. She got slightly excited at the prospect of doing both meditation and some yoga with Stella, and she made sure to text back.

_ Definitely. I had no idea. Are you good? I'd also love to try meditation with you. Can we talk details tonight? I'll text you in my break.  _

Stella messaged back that there was no need to message, that she'd call her tonight, but of course Scully made sure to at least check up on Stella during her 15-minute break. She got a grateful response that made her happy to have made the effort, and soon she was on her way back from work and buzzing with excitement to find some peace in Stella's video call.

She had an idea halfway through her drive that made her nervously excited but she promised herself to push through it and pose the question to Stella nonetheless. 

When Stella called she was still nervous about it. Was she asking too much of Stella? Scully had dug around in her book shelves and had actually found a book on meditation - one that had a few different tutorials on how to meditate, how to find peace within oneself, and the more Dana thought about it the more it could be exactly what they both needed. It would center them and bring them closer to themselves, and even though she fully understood why Stella didn't search out the silence Scully knew it might be helpful to at least figure out why. 

Stella appeared on her screen, dressed in a white t-shirt, leggings, a headband holding back her slightly messy hair and her glasses propped up on her nose. 'Hi,' she rasped, and Scully knew she must not have spoken to many people today. Either that, or she'd been crying. 

'MIssed you,' Scully smiled carefully. Stella's expression softened and she nodded lightly. 'Me too, but I understand you were busy. I hope you did what you had to do.' Scully licked her lips. 'It was rough, but your words got me through. I know what you mean, Stella. I feel it too.' 

Behind Stella Dana spotted a few candles. She was in her bedroom again, the one she'd recently redone and that still looked ready to be photographed for a magazine. It looked so peaceful and warm that Scully felt herself grow more at ease as she took in her surroundings. 'Are you sure you don't meditate often?' she asked. 'Your room looks like the perfect place for it.' 

'I hope so,' Stella said as she looked around at her own handiwork, 'I used to dabble in meditation but I stopped.' 

'Why?' Scully asked as she tucked her feet underneath her on her own bed. 

'Why did I dabble or why did I stop?' Stella asked. 

'Both.'

Stella sighed and Scully instantly read Stella's story written by the muscles on her brow. 'I started to try and clear my mind, I think. Some of the night's demons need chasing away even after the dream is over. But the darkness only brought out other evils, the ones that are rooted deeper within me than I could admit to at the time. I think that is why I stopped.'

'What happened?' Scully asked carefully.

'I lose control of my emotions,' Stella admitted quietly but without hesitation. 'I cannot close my eyes in silence and focus on myself without finding my soul riddled with the devil's doing. It is not something I particularly search for.'

'Maybe it just needs to get out,' Scully said quietly but she felt for Stella, because she knew how hard Stella worked to keep her emotions in check when she wanted or needed to. Very little could penetrate her carefully constructed armor, but Scully found it sadly fitting that Stella's defences were strong enough to withhold everything except the demons that had made them necessary.

Stella stayed quiet. 'Why do you want to try again?' Scully wondered. Stella shrugged in an uncharacteristically nonchalant manner before responding. 'I think because I read so much about it I've started to wonder if it might be helpful in situations like these where my most important need is to feel grounded.'

Scully understood that. She'd felt it too, that feeling of being suspended somewhere above the train that was now her life. She had no control over anything and her own lack of influence annoyed her to no end. All she wanted was to feel as if she was holding the reins again, and it had been the one reason she'd been interested in Stella's idea. If it could bring her closer to her feelings, to herself, then it would be worth it.

But she still had a question to ask.

'Stella?'

'Yes?'

'Can I ask you something?'

'Of course,' Stella said as she leaned in. 

'I… found a book that has meditation practises in it. It tells you step by step how to start. I was wondering… If you have the time, if you could read it to me.' 

'What, now?'

'Whenever you want,' Scully smiled shyly. Stella thought about Scully's question for a moment. 'Not today, but later, yes,' she agreed. 'My voice isn't in great shape.' 

Scully exhaled with relief and shook her head lightly. 'Any time, really, I just think your voice could help me relax. Thinking about you at work has definitely pulled me through a few rough days, and I've loved listening to everything you've read so far.' Stella had been reading a few things for kids in the hospital, and Dana had spent a few sleepless hours late at night listening to Stella's kind and strong voice as she told children’s stories. She was sure she would feel the same relief and gratitude accompany her on her journey of meditation if Stella were to read the instructions to her. Stella’s voice telling her to breathe in and out had the ability to force her body into a certain calmth even without the goal of meditation. 

Stella promised she would read it when she felt better and Scully thanked her before turning back onto the topic of meditation and emotions. Finally Stella sighed and looked squarely at Scully. ‘If we do this tomorrow I don’t want you to feel sad if I lose grip on my emotions.’ 

‘You can cry, you know that,’ Scully smiled softly. ‘I might be crying too.’ Stella looked grateful yet still slightly hesitant. ‘We should start with a short one, let’s say three minutes?’ Scully agreed. ‘You don’t have to be on camera if you don’t want to, Stel.’ ‘ No, no,’ Stella shook her head. ‘I want to. Even though we’ll have our eyes closed I want to do it with you. Together.’

‘Together,’ Scully repeated. ‘And if the demons come you tell me. We can stop any time and we never have to speak of it again.’ 

‘I’m not a child,’ Stella said slightly annoyed. ‘I can deal with it.’ 

‘I don’t doubt that you can. But it’s supposed to calm us down, ground us, and we need to make sure that’s what happens. I want this to be helpful for both of us.’ 

Stella smiled at her and nodded. ‘I want that too. Thank you for looking out for me.’

‘I know you don’t like it and I know you don’t need anyone to save you, but I don’t want you to hurt either.’

‘Maybe we all need to be saved sometimes, Dana,’ Stella admitted softly. ‘And maybe you’re the only person who ever could.’


	44. Day Thirty-Seven

They had agreed to set up their spaces in a similar manner, so it would most resemble one room instead of two houses separated by thousands of miles of deep blue sea.

Scully had set out candles across her bedroom and she'd put down her yoga mat after she'd dusted it off. Dressed in casual clothes she felt like she needed a glass of wine, not meditation, but she was willing to try if Stella wanted her to. 

Her phone was set up in front of her, on the bedside table that she'd cleared of the useless clutter she had gathered over the years. She waited patiently for Stella to call, and when she did, Scully was ready.

Stella greeted her and stepped back from her phone, presumably having a similar setup to Dana. Scully saw Stella was in her bedroom as well, the one she'd recently redone, and Scully smiled when she saw the little envelope Stella had showed her displayed in the corner of the screen. Nothing was left to chance in Stella's video calls, she knew that by now, and she bit her lip as she remembered the key to Stella's house that was waiting for her in that envelope. With the current state of the world she had no idea if she would even ever have a use for it, but the sentiment remained, and Scully felt infinitely grateful for the romantic strain of Stella's personality she seemed to have awakened. Stella smiled at her. 'Just a reminder,' she said as she held up the envelope before putting it back and finding her way to the pillow that laid on the floor. 'Do you do yoga?' she asked Dana. 'I don't, Scully scoffed, 'I don't know why I have this thing but it seemed appropriate.' 

'Shame,' Stella said contemplatively. 'Why?' Scully asked. 

'If you did we could have done a session together,' Stella said. 'It's usually done consecutively, and it requires similar control of one's breathing.' 

Scully's eyes widened. 'You do yoga?' 'Oh yes,' Stella nodded. 'I've been known to strike a pose.'

'I've never seen you do it before,' Scully wondered. 'Well,' Stella smiled, 'We usually get plenty of exercise when we're together. And also… I'm not very good.' Scully shook her head. 'I don't believe that. Can you show me some time?' 

'You want to watch me do amateur yoga?' Stella asked with a faint smile on her lips as she folded her feet beneath her. 'Yes,' Scully confirmed. Stella feigned an exasperated sigh and shrugged. 'All right. Some other time. Today you're here to help me meditate.'

'Yes ma'am,' Scully confirmed and she grabbed her laptop. 'Here, I listened to this earlier and it sounded like something we might both be comfortable listening to.' Stella nodded gratefully. 'Let's hear it.'

'Let me know if you need to stop.' Scully warned her. 'It's only four minutes long, and it kind of tells you how long you have left.' Stella nodded. 'I'll tell you.'

Scully had no doubt she'd hear it if Stella broke, but she wanted Stella to tell her if she was okay or not. Sometimes it was better to push through it, to let the tears come, and Scully knew that with her guidance Stella would be able to push through and tell the difference. However as she put on the video and put her laptop between her and her phone she kept her eyes on Stella. When the video told her about ten seconds in to close her eyes she watched Stella take a measured breath before obeying their narrator, but Scully kept them open. She slowed down her breathing and focused her mind, not on her breathing but on Stella's, even though she could only guess as to what her rhythm was. 

Stella tried to calm her breathing, tried to listen to the woman's instructions and slowly but surely she felt her body slow down. However all too soon the familiar and inevitable wave of deep grief and pain picked up and hurled to the surface, faster than lightning, denser than the ocean and she felt her lip tremble. Slowly she breathed out and tried to control it, but it was no use, and soon a sob tore itself from her throat as she felt her past self unable to stay hidden. 'Fuck,' she muttered. 'Dana, pause, please.' 

'It's okay, Stel,' Dana said softly. 'You can do this. Breathe. 'I'm right here, and you had it, you can get there again.' Dana paused the video, but Stella kept her eyes closed and tried to focus on Stella's breathing. 'Count with me,' Stella requested, and Dana did and together they breathed and counted, breathed and counted until Stella felt the tremble in her heart subside. 'Okay,' she said, her eyes still closed and her mind now focused fully on Dana. Scully restarted the video, wanting Stella to experience a whole four minutes of peace, and she watched how tears streamed down Stella's face as she quietly came to terms with whatever it was she had just breathed away.

After the four minutes Stelle opened her eyes to find Dana close. She'd scooted closer to her phone and had such a serene look on her face that Stella couldn't help but smile. 'That was nice,' she admitted. 'I think I'd like to do that again.'

'Any time,' Scully said to her. 

'You didn't meditate, did you,' Stella eyed her suspiciously. 

Scully blushed. 'I feel calm and centered,' she conceded. 'And that was the point, wasn't it?'

Stella chuckled and shook her head as she wiped her tears away. 'I'm going to take a shower and go to sleep. Thank you, Dana.'

'I love you,' Scully said softly as she watched Stella roam around her room to gather clothes. Stella stopped. 'I love you too,' she said. 


	45. Day Thirty-Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quick note: I forget if I ever did or did not give Scully a bathtub. If I said somewhere that she doesn't have one, forget that for now.

Stella felt restless and brave, and the combination was dangerous.

She'd come up with an idea early in the morning, brought on by frustration and Scully's question about her physical needs a few days prior. 

So she spent her day not worrying about work, in fact she sent them a message she was unavailable today - and instead focused on herself and on Scully. They'd had a pampering session before, a prepared one, she might as well try to put together an impromptu one for tonight. Scully had been looking tired, worn down, and even though it was to be expected it worried Stella and it pushed her to do everything in her power to help.

She made a playlist. Read the meditations in the book Dana had requested. She cleaned her bathroom, made it look beautiful, put down some candles and towels and even brought fresh flowers home from the grocery store. Fresh flowers had been something she had been missing in her life, because even though she might consider them somewhat of a necessity she knew they weren't and she'd opted not to take the risk going to a different store now that her usual marketplace was closed. However she'd found a nice, albeit small bouquet during her grocery run and she hadn't been able to resist - the peachy tones that contrasted the whites and yellows reminded her of her hair mixed with Scully's as they lay in bed together. She hoped it would do for Dana what it did for her - bring back a lot of pleasant memories and remind her of everything that there was still to come.

The afternoon passed quickly as she re-recorded the meditation session, listened to it and decided she wanted to do it a third time to make sure it had the desired effect. Somewhere down the line she took a shower and shaved, and all too soon she had had dinner and was waiting for Dana's call.

Standing in the doorframe to her bathroom she looked around. The rhythmic tumbling of the water down into the bath calmed her heart and she smiled inwardly at the mountain of bubbles already building. She found her laptop and connected her phone, set it up at a safe distance but close enough, found a glass and the bottle of champagne she'd bought and looked around one last time. Everything was ready. Taking off her clothes she threw her robe around her bare shoulders until the bath was done and for the first time since they had been doing this she wished Dana was a few minutes late, because even though she'd had all day to prepare she didn't feel ready. 

Dana called when she had just slid into the bath. 

Sighing one last time she nodded to herself. She was going to do this. 

'Stella, what the hell,' Scully gasped as she appeared on screen. Stella smiled as she sipped her champagne. 'Hello, love,' she said. 'I thought we could have a bath together.'

'I… Okay, hold on, I'm not prepared for this,' Scully giggled. Stella marveled at how young she looked like this, slightly out of her depth, only a tiny bit embarrassed but mostly excited. She recognized her girlfriend's cheeky side and laughed out loud when she saw Scully take her phone all the way to her bathroom. 'Put me down and run a bath,' Stella requested with a smile. 'And get a glass of champagne, if you have it. Wine works too.' 

'Okay,' Scully agreed and rearranged some things before propping her phone against them. She disappeared out of sight for a few moments but soon came back triumphantly holding a glass of white wine. Stella licked her lips and prepared herself for a little show as Scully did the same. Stella saw how she grabbed her robe off the hook on the door and put it beside the tub, as well as a towel and socks. Stella's heart swelled at Dana's practicality even in the face of what they were about to do. 'So rational,' she mumbled and Scully rolled her eyes. 'I don't want to get my clean feet dirty again,' she shrugged. 'It's smart.' Stella tilted her head in agreement and decided to watch in silence.

Scully slowly removed her clothes, looking over at Stella every once in a while but overall seemingly lost in her own little dance. She took her time, finished every move, and Stella was glad that she was on a low definition phone camera or Scully would undoubtedly have seen her blush. Scully slowly revealed her curves to Stella and Stella watched, feeling unbelievably lucky that Scully was doing this for her. 

Finally all of Dana's clothing had fallen to the floor, one more graceful than the other, and she stretched for full effect before smirking at Stella and stepping into the bathtub. 'You're gorgeous,' Stella complimented her. 'Thanks,' Scully said shyly before sinking under the waterline. She had a nice foam layer forming as well an she breathed in the scent, calming and warm. 'What now?' she asked as she settled against the edge of the tub. Stella raised her eyebrow. 'We wait for the tub to fill and then I have something for you.'

'What do we do while we wait?' Scully winked at her. 'Dana,' Stella scolded lightly with a smile on her lips. Scully sunk a little lower in the bath. 'What? I know you have some ideas.' Stella regarded her suspiciously. 'I don't need to remind you, we're in a bathtub. You wouldn't see much.' Dana wiggled her eyebrows. 'I don't need to see much.' 

'No,' Stella shook her head. 'Another time perhaps. Tonight is for you, Dana. Just relax and listen to me.' 

'Are you going to sing to me?'

'What? No.'

'You did promise me a lullaby once.'

'That was a different time, Dana,' Stella sighed somewhat sadly. 

'No, it wasn't,' Scully said. 'It wasn't that long ago, in this life, this reality. Don't forget that, Stel. We have a past and a future.'

Stella smiled and knew Scully was right. 'You're right,' she said. 'Even though it feels like ages ago it's very much something I think about a lot.'

'Me too,' Scully admitted. 'Please sing to me again, Stella.'

'I did, not too long ago,' Stella defended. 'But I was at work,' Scully whined. 'I want to enjoy it in the comfort of my own home. Please?' 

Stella threw her hands up in the air, causing some of the bubbles to fly away. 'All right. What do you want to hear?' She sat up a little more. Scully frowned and thought for a second as she turned off the water flow. 'I… I have no idea. Anything?'

'I have something better,' Stella said as she reached for her phone that was next to her laptop. 'I'm sending it right now. It's part two of the meditation, and I'll read part one to you now if you'd like. I recorded it as well and will send it to you if you would like me to do so.'

'Of course,' Scully breathed, surprised and happy. 'That's fantastic. I didn't think you'd have time so soon.' 

'Some things are worth making time for,' Stella said softly. 'And if I've learned anything recently it's the things that I might perceive to be something I don't want which deserve the most attention. So yes, I read it to you. And I'll gladly read it again now, if you're okay with that.'

'Please do,' Scully said. 'I love your voice and I'm sure it will relax me. So much.' 

'Well,' Stella said softly, a little closer to her laptop microphone for full effect, 'Sit back and enjoy.'

And Scully sat back, closed her eyes and was soon lost to Stella's beautiful voice guiding her through a five-minute breathing exercise. Stella took her time, watched Scully closely, and felt calm and relaxed herself as she witnessed Dana wind down from another busy day. When she thought Dana might fall asleep she raised her voice lightly. 'Dana? Don't float away just yet.' 

'No,' Scully murmured quietly. 'I'm not, I'm here.' 

'Good,' Stella smiled and she continued, making sure Scully was back in a fully relaxed state before letting her come out of her meditative state. 'How was that?' 

'Amazing,' Scully breathed. 'I could do that all evening.' 

'I'm afraid we'll get cold,' Stella smirked, 'And I'm out of champagne. But I can read it to you any time you want.'

'That's wonderful,' Scully smiled at her, 'Thank you so much.'

'Does that mean you'll forgive me if I don't sing? Stella teased.

'Just for today,' Scully smirked. 'I make no promises for tomorrow.'

'Well,' Stella sighed, 'I do have a promise. I promise to be right here, on your screen, whenever you need me. And I promise you that any time you call will be a good time. If I don't hear from you I'll be right here, every evening at the same time until we can meet again.' 

'I like that,' Scully nodded. 'I promise I'll be there.' 

'Tomorrow or after?' Stella dared to ask even though she knew Scully's answer. Sometimes she was on the verge of forgetting and she never wanted to forget.

'Tomorrow, and every other day of our lives,' Scully said, and Stella smiled because she'd been right - Dana's promise was all she needed. Tomorrow was another day. They could do this.


	46. Day Thirty-Nine

Dana woke up to another text from Stella. She loved waking up to texts from Stella in any form, but today's message would get her through a long shift like it as nothing.

_ Just heard I have a function tomorrow. It requires me to wear my uniform. Will you help me style it tonight? _

Scully knew Stella needed no help in the styling department, least of all from her. She probably just wanted to show off. And Scully liked her showing off, in any garment, but Stella's uniform… That was something she had not seen enough of and would never see enough of in her lifetime. After quickly texting back she tried to set the image aside for the day, but it didn't want to go, and frankly she was glad.

She'd seen pictures and glimpses. She'd seen the hat and the jacket, the shirt and the tie, all on separate occasions, all used in different ways to exude power and ascertain a certain kind of superiority. Control. Scully wondered how it made Stella feel, when she was fully dressed up but still maintained that little bit of undeniable femininity. Did it make her feel powerful? It should, because that bit that was so truly Stella was so unique that even a police uniform could do nothing but amplify it. 

During the day Scully came up with all sorts of images in her mind of instances where Stella might have worn her uniform. Did she love it, or quietly despise it? Was her uniform even completely standard issue, or had she carefully changed little bits about it to make sure she remained an individual amongst many? These thoughts haunted Scully in the best way possible, and even though her focus remained laser sharp and her work was effortlessly perfect she always had Stella in the back of her mind.

When her short shift ended only six hours later Scully drove home as fast as she could. She texted Stella as she entered her house and kicked her door shut behind her.

_ I'm home and ready to offer my immaculate style advice. Call me. _

She ordered Thai, not in the mood to cook dinner, dressed down to a t-shirt and pajamas and waited.

Finally, Stella's call came in. Scully answered it and when she appeared on Stella's screen she had a huge happy smile plastered to her face. 

Stella's image wiped it off in a heartbeat, though.

On the other side of the ocean Stella was stood in her bedroom, her phone on the dresser in front of her. She had her uniform only partially on and was buttoning up her blouse when she connected to Dana. 'Hello,' she said, her voice soft. 'Sorry I'm not fully dressed.' 

'Stella,' Scully breathed. 'You look incredible.'

'I was told I have to attend a function tomorrow,' Stella mused. 'Supposedly it's at a safe distance, there will only be a few attendees and it should be relatively safe but we're expected to wear our uniforms, and -' 

Scully interrupted her. 'Who cares about the occasion, you should wear that more often,' she marveled. 'I'm not particularly fond of it,' Stella mumbled, 'but I'm pleased to hear you like it.' 

'It's hot,' Scully said. 'That blouse looks amazing on you.' Stella looked down at her blouse and skirt and smoothed her hands along the fabric as she finished buttoning up her top. She reached next to the phone and pulled her checkered tie from the dresser before folding her collar up and attaching it to the V of her blouse. She neatly folded it into place, pulled her collar down again and looked disapprovingly at herself in the mirror above her phone. 'It's not something I wear for fun.' 

'Maybe you should,' Scully winked at her. Stella shot her a glare before adjusting the seams on her shoulders one more time. She rolled her head to the side and sighed. 'It's not only uncomfortable, it also looks too masculine and even though it's supposed to make people feel at ease, show confidence and authority, all it does is widen the wedge between us and the public.' Scully shrugged. 'I see what you're saying, Stella, but you're you no matter what you wear. It doesn't change that.'

Stella pursed her lips as she criticized herself one last time before turning her attention to her uniform jacket. She held it up as it hung neatly on the coat hanger. 'Do you think I should wear the jacket as well or should I go rogue?' 

'What does going rogue entail?' Scully asked as she tried to imagine both looks side by side. 'I think you have to model both for me first.' Stella smirked at her before elegantly taking the blazer from the hanger and hooking her arm in the sleeve. As she threw it around her shoulders Scully licked her lips, fully aware she was being transparent with her motives but really beyond caring. Stella knew it too and the fact that she was making a show out of straightening her jacket told Scully she low key liked the attention. Stella's fingers played along the insignia on the front all the way to the golden stitches on her shoulders, emphasizing her rank as she made eye contact with Scully's image. 'Which one's better?' 

'Hmm,' Scully mused studiously. 'Close it?' 

Stella raised her eyebrows, shook her hair back over her shoulders and kept looking at Dana as she closed the buttons and pulled down the fabric. Stella knew the jacket fit her like a glove, she'd had it tailored to her petite size as soon as she'd realized she'd be in the public eye with it. She watched how Scully seemingly studied the look. 'I love that. It gives you a very sleek silhouette,' Scully said. Stella merely hummed as she looked at herself in the mirror. She turned so Scully could admire the curve of her back before turning back. 'I'll be in heels, so it'll come together nicely,' Stella informed Dana. 'Right, no need to be sensible about your footwear when one can torture oneself with heels,' Scully muttered. 'Indeed,' Stella agreed and Scully shook her head. 'You do know you've been off your feet for a month, don't you,' she said to Stella. 'So what?' Stella challenged her. 'I'll be fine.' Scully shrugged. 'All right, have it your way.' 

Stella looked at her and opened the button on her blazer again. 'I'm not finished' she said and Scully's eyes lit up. 'The hat?' she asked. 'The hat,' Stella confirmed as she reached for the other coat hanger that held her black standard-issue hat. 'Oh, I like that,' Scully smiled. 'Put it on, Stella, please?' 

'I'm not wearing it with my hair down,' Stella commented. 'I either have to put it in a bun or a ponytail. Those are the rules.' 

'Ponytail,' Scully said decidedly. 'Definitely ponytail.' 

Stella raked her hands through her loose waves before gathering it in one hand and maneuvering her black elastic band from her wrist to wrap it around the ponytail. She tucked a few loose strands behind her ears before taking the hat in both hands, bowing her head and fitting it neatly atop her golden locks. She studied herself in the mirror for a second before modelling it for Dana, showing her different angles and adjusting her ponytail.

Scully felt herself melt into her couch at the sight of Stella like this, complete in uniform but still in girlfriend-mode. She looked soft, gentle, while her outfit screamed authority. The strength that came from her was perfectly matched by the power of her outfit and together it was a magical combination. 'I fucking love this,' Scully breathed. 'Stella, you have to wear this for me some time.'

'To do what?' Stella frowned. 'It's just a uniform, Dana. I'm sure you've worn uniforms before.'

Dana cocked her head to one side as she tried to memorize everything about this version of Stella she so rarely saw. 'Well, I had my outfits, and I still have an FBI jacket somewhere… But that's a shapeless bomber jacket, Stella. Nothing as devastatingly hot as this.'

'I'm sure I would enjoy it,' Stella grinned. 'And if you like it that much, it's not going anywhere. I'll wear it whenever you want me to.' 

'I'll have to remember that,' Scully said. 'I guess you do,' Stella agreed. 'So, see anything you like?' She was flirting now, flirting across an ocean of tears and Scully loved it but it made her miss Stella even more. 'Anyone seeing you tomorrow has my complete envy,' she said softly. 'I miss you and I wish I could go with you, even at a distance.' Stella smiled sadly and took off her hat. 'I know. I wish you could come, although we're not supposed to bring a plus one I'd smuggle you in somehow.' Scully smiled through the tears that had welled up in her eyes. 'I'd be counting on that. Be careful, Stella. Stay safe and call me when you need to. I should be off all day.' 

'That is good to know,' Stella replied. 'I might need some peace of mind when I get back. I'm counting on you to provide that, if you're willing.' 

'Always,' Scully said. 'Anything you need, I'll be here.'

'I love you,' Stella finally sighed. She raised her eyebrows before swallowing, taking off the tie and unbuttoning a few buttons on her blouse. She put her hands on her waist and looked at Dana. 'I'll see you tomorrow then?'

'You call me. Whenever.' 

'I will. Good night, Dana.'

Dana watched as Stella's face came closer, blew her a kiss and finally disappeared from the screen. Her heart clenched. This needed to end, soon, because she really wasn't sure how long she could keep her sanity like this. Stella wasn't dealing well either, she could see it in the reflection of her eyes and the misty circles under her eyes. She knew Stella wouldn't admit it and she would stay strong for Scully at all costs, but Scully knew that there would be a cost to Stella's sacrifice. She decided to send her a text just to ease her nerves and hopefully remind Stella that she was always there to support her.

_ I would not be able to keep doing this without you. If there is anything you need or want please do not hesitate to ask. We can get through this together, I promise. Love you, always. xoxo Dana. _


	47. Day Forty

Dana decided it was time to do something for Stella today. 

She had a long conference call with work, but she had decided to take it from home and so she was dressed in business on top, pajamas on the bottom and settled on a couch with a mug that looked like it held either tea or coffee, but in fact had a copious amount of wine in it.

After about ten minutes her brain zoned out as two of her male colleagues argued the treatment of one of their patients. Scully sighed and reached for her note pad, flipped the page that held her scribbles pertaining the meeting and started a letter.

There was so much she wanted to write to Stella. So much she wanted to tell her, and even though they spoke daily she'd been thinking more and more of mailing her something and attaching a note of some sort. The surprise and happiness that had come with Stella's care package (a month but seemingly ages ago) was something she wanted Stella to feel as well. A few days ago she'd received some items she'd ordered and she had been planning to send Stella half of it, but up until how she hadn't gotten around to assembling her package. However now seemed like the perfect time as her attention wasn't really needed, and she wasn't really doing much apart from being present during this call. So she grabbed her pen, smoothed the piece of paper and pretended to be taking notes while in actuality she was pouring out her heart to her girlfriend via a perfect line of black ink on slightly aged paper.

She told Stella in as little words as she could that she loved her and how she did not underestimate Stella's situation compared to her own. They were completely opposite experiences but neither devalued the other and Stella would tell her to shut up and take all the credit for working in health care, but Scully knew the powerlessness and fear of the unknown stretched from one end of the spectrum to the other. She imagined Stella rolling her eyes when she read it, and her mind provided her with the powerful image of messy haired Stella taking off her reading glasses to stare out into nothingness for a moment while her brain silently thanked Dana. 

She thought of all the things she would add to the box. She'd ordered coffee, Colombian coffee that smelled delicious but wasn't too dark or acidic and she felt confident Stella would appreciate it. Some complementary chocolate had been added, the vegan kind with nuts, and Scully's mouth watered at the idea of combining the two. Stella appreciated chocolate like she did and it was just one of many passions they shared. 

Scully had always thought she'd never dare to send her British girl a box of tea, but recently she had discovered her very own unique blend of herbal tea as she had ordered from a specialist tea store. It was relaxing and smelled divine, and with Stella's recent interest in meditation practises Scully knew a cup of aromatic tea would really settle her senses. She had added a large scented candle which, together with the mug she found, would push her shipping cost through the roof, but she didn't care as long as it arrived safely. Candles were clearly important to Stella, the combination of fire and water always having played a prominent part in their relationship. Scully had felt emotional herself when she'd opened the candle she'd found that was called 'Stella's Kitchen' and immediately thought of autumn in London. She had no idea what that smelled like but she imagined it smelled like this. Cinnamon, spice but sweet and fruity gentleness had filled her nostrils and soothed her soul as it reminded her of Stella even though she'd never smelled this particular blend before. 

The mug was a smoky white ceramic, partially glazed and with black specks running throughout the rougher parts of the surface. Scully loved the structure, had ran her fingertips over it many times before finally admitting to herself that she did not need it as much as she wanted Stella to have it. Inside the mug she'd folded one of her old hot chocolate recipes she'd recently discovered in an old kitchen notebook. Everything together made a beautifully assembled care package full of flavors and scents she hoped Stella would appreciate as much as she did, but she had very little doubt because Stella was more in touch with her senses as anyone she'd ever known. 

Scully re-read her letter as her coworkers seemed to come to an agreement on their case and when the head of the meeting turned to Dana she was fully prepared to answer and offer insights. Soon after everyone said goodbye and ten minutes later Scully's space had gone quiet, the familiar voices gone and nothing there to replace it but the promise of Stella's voice, three hours from now.

Quickly finding Stella's home address in her phone Scully found a box suitable for all of the items and put everything out on her coffee table. She ran her hands along every item and thought about how Stella would respond to it. She wrapped the candle in bubble wrap and chuckled as she accidentally popped a bubble. 

Everything fit neatly and snugly in the box and Scully inspected her handiwork one last time before sighing deeply and putting a sheet of tissue paper on top. She re-read her letter, cringed at some bits but smiled at others and finally decided it came from the heart so it was okay before folding it into an envelope. Stella's name flowed from her pen and Scully felt a little bit of nervous energy run through her as she taped the box shut. She typed and printed Stella's address and taped it to the outside of the box. Thinking she'd mail it on her way to work tomorrow she put it on her desk and sighed contently. 

Every time she looked at the box she thought of Stella and what her reaction would be. Would it be too much? Should she tell Stella something was coming, or should it be a complete surprise? Would Stella reject it if she had no idea something would be delivered? Scully felt a headache welling up with the way she was worrying about this and she shook her head at herself before setting her doubts aside and getting ready to video call Stella.

She lasted three minutes into the call without telling Stella the idea.

'I'm going to send you something,' she said when Stella inquired what she'd been up to today. 

'Dana, you don't have to,' Stella said softly. Scully read the softness in her eyes, though, and was grateful for her ability to hear what Stella didn't say. 'I want to,' she insisted. 'Just.. Accept the gift, Stel.'

'All right,' Stella sighed. 'Thank you.'

'It's my pleasure,' Scully smiled as her heart relaxed. 'Just let me know when you get it.'

'Just don't expect me to wait for you until I open it,' Stella warned. 'I'm not going to sit with an unopened gift in my possession.' 

'I wouldn't ask that of you,' Scully shook her head. 'Just text me when it arrives.'

'Okay,' Stella sighed and the corner of her lip curved up in silent gratitude. 'Now, how are you?'

Their conversation flowed as easy as ever, but something between them felt even better than before. Stella didn't usually accept gifts that easily. They weren't ususally something she enjoyed, surprises and gifts being amongst the few things that had the ability to really throw her. But Stella trusted her. She knew Scully would never put her in a position where she was overwhelmed or pressured into a response that as anything other than truthful in any aspect of their life. And so Stella accepted it, felt honored and excited even, and held out until the end of the call to ask Dana a favor.

'Dana… If that package comes with a track&trace, can you send it to me?'

'For what purpose?' Scully winked at her. 'Don't you want to be surprised when it shows up?'

Stella feigned disinterest. 'I just want to be prepared, that's all.'

'All right,' Scully smiled. 'I'll let you know.'

Their conversation continued as she told Stella about the conference call and how work was going, but deep down her heart beat wildly with love and fondness for Stella. Her steely DSI who didn't like presents. The woman who held her heart and accepted its oddities and now, somehow, had changed and had become someone who was excited to receive a small token of appreciation from her girlfriend.

There were very few things Dana Scully enjoyed about the current state of the world. But without a doubt all of the small things she got to explore and enjoy with Stella like this, in a way they would otherwise never have started, was the best thing she could have hoped for. She vowed to herself to continue to put in this kind of work long after their isolation was lifted, until finally they would share a home and be in each other's arms every night. 

And even then, she promised Stella and herself to keep occasionally surprising her. Just because she wanted to. Just because she could. 


	48. Day Forty-One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one specifically is for [@]EnigmaScully.   
> I hope I did it justice.

'I… made something for you,' Stella said softly as Dana settled against the headboard of her bed. She'd been feeling a little tired, deflated, and Stella had pushed her that last bit and told her to get comfortable. 'What did you do now?' Scully asked equally quiet, because she felt completely undeserving of all the love Stella had been giving her recently. 'You've done so much.' 

'Never too much,' Stella said, and a small smile played across her face. 'Settle, but don't fall asleep, okay?' 'Do I… need a bigger screen for this?' Scully smirked. Stella wiggled her eyebrows and huffed a small smile. 'Probably.'

Scully nodded and told Stella to hold on as she switched to her laptop, setting it down on the tops of her thighs and pulling the blanket up to her shoulders. She sighed deeply. 'All right, what is it?' 

'Can you see me okay?' Stella asked as she'd put down her phone and stepped back. She was in her dimly lit living room, the floor partially cleared and Scully spotted a yoga mat. 'Are you… Yes, I can see you. Perfectly.' Stella licked her lips. 'Good. I spent some time putting this together this morning and I'll show you, but I think it would help you too.'

'Are you going to do yoga for me?' Scully asked, her voice slightly surprised but mostly warm, low and loving. 'Well, you did ask,' Stella replied. Scully watched as Stella raked her eyes across her room, studied it to see if everything was as perfect as she required it to be and finally decided that it would have to be enough. She nodded, mostly to herself, and smoothed her hands across her yoga mat one last time before reaching for a scrunchie. Stella twisted and tied her hair in a low ponytail and stretched once before straightening hre back and turning to Dana. 'All of these are supposed to help before sleep. They are easy moves, simple and relaxing, doable for anyone as long as you have the space to execute them.' 

Scully smiled as she heard Stella's work voice, the one she switched into to rationalize and extrapolate situations that required some detachment. 'It's just me,' Scully shook her head lightly to hopefully calm down her girlfriend who was attempting to look fine, but was clearly a little frazzled. Stella looked at her and licked her lips before moving onto the mat. 'Just watch, Dana.' 

Stella sat down on her knees as she breathed deeply once. 'All of these poses have names. I've made a list and I've tried to draw them for you, but it looks ridiculous, so I thought I would just show you. The trick is to hold each of them for about twenty seconds, if you can. You can start with ten, and build up to twenty, if you must. I'll end flat on my back and I've found it's very tempting to stay like that for longer, but I must caution you. You will fall asleep.' 

'I'll keep that in mind,' Scully smiled as she reached for the tea that waited for Stella to continue.

'Would you like me to tell you the names?' Stella asked.

'You can,' Scully shrugged. 'If you're comfortable. I'd like to know so I can write them down.'

'I'll send the… schematic I made,' Stella said. 'But I'll walk you through them as well. Okay, we start in hero pose.' She straightened her back and gently laid her hands on her knees. She looked straight ahead, but Scully saw a smile tug at the corner of STella's mouth. One part of her messy ponytail curled neatly on her shoulder as the rest flowed wildly down her back and Scully admired the beautiful outline of Stella's profile as Stella quietly counted to twenty. 

The curve of Stella's back flowed forward as she folded her forehead towards the floor, reaching her arms out in front of her. 'Child's pose,' she murmured as she could already feel the stretch of her body start to affect her. It felt good, and even though she missed swimming she could see herself doing more and more of this in the future but doing it for Dana… Somehow it felt deeply vulnerable . She didn't mind it, but it was something that took some getting used to. Her bathroom ritual had felt less revealing in a way and she had been trying to find out why, but she'd given up in favor of her nerves. As she closed her eyes and focused on her breathing, steadily breathing out as her back lowered itself as far as it could go, she felt the nerves slowly dissipate and ebb away on the wave of her breath. 

When the timing felt right she shifted her weight onto her hands, pushed herself up and stretched up into the air that surrounded and supported her. 'I know this one,' Scully said softly. 'Downward dog.' 

'That's right,' Stella said as her lips parted and her back cracked. 'You look beautiful, Stella,' Scully commented. Stella hummed quietly and smiled her thanks as she pushed her body as far as it could go.

'This one hurts,' Stella groaned as she pushed herself up to sit on her legs, reaching back to fold her body in the other direction. Her form-fitting t-shirt accentuated her curves and Scully quietly appreciated Stella's effort, raking her eyes across the seashell white top down to her bare legs. Stella pushed her chest out and her hair fell back as she readjusted the stance of her hands. Stella's defined arms supported her effortlessly as she breathed deeply again, willing her body to slow down from the day. She felt Dana's eyes on her even though they were a million miles apart and she quietly marveled at modern technology and thanked it for making this possible.

'Usually, butterfly pose is next,' Stella moaned as she sat up, 'But I'm going to skip straight into a supine twist if you don't mind.'

Scully chuckled. 'I don't mind at all.' 

'Good,' Stella sighed as she lay down on her back and twisted her hips sideways. Scully could hear her spine crack, even from the long distance between Stella's body and her phone, and Scully's brows sought each other in worry. 'You ok?' she asked. 'Yes,' Stella confirmed, 'This is why I enjoy doing this in the evening. Sitting in front of my computer all day really messes with my body.' 

'Hmm,' Scully acknowledged as she remembered those days well. Granted, running around the forest chasing bad guys could really take it's toll on her as well, but the office days were the worst. 

After a few long moments Stella switched sides and glanced up at Scully as she could just see her above the coffee table corner. 'I'm doing this in my living room but you can do it wherever you want,' she stated. Scully lifted her chin. 'I'll figure it out. Will you do it with me next time?' 

'Of course,' Stella breathed as she planted her feet firmly on the floor. She rolled her hips a few times. 'Pay attention, Dana,' she grinned as she focused her eyes straight ahead, set her palms flat on the floor and pushed her body off into a straight line. 'Bridge pose,' she managed. 'Looks intense,' Scully commented as she sunk a little deeper into her mattress.

Stella held her pose effortlessly, keeping the straight line flawless and sharp until her back and legs felt sufficiently stretched. She slowly set herself back down on the floor and used a few seconds to stretch her arms above her head before pulling her knees up. 'This one's harder, I tend to lose my balance,' she said to Dana. 'What's it called?' Scully asked as she watched Stella pull her legs in towards her breasts. 

'Knees to chest,' Stella said. 'Not very imaginative, I know.'

'Practical, I like it,' Dana said. 'Looks like you have it under control.' Just as she finished her sentence she watched how Stella shifted a little, losing her balance a little until she found it again and steadied herself with a deep breath. 'I got it,' she said teasingly. 'It teases me, but I'm not easily swayed.'

'So I've been told,' Scully grinned and she watched how Stella turned her head to look at her sideways. 

The smile they shared was one of mutual understanding of a shared history and a deep, true love. 

Stella didn't comment on Scully's statement but instead laid down flat, looked up at the ceiling and breathed in and out a few times before she twisted her head to find Dana's eyes again. 'Corpse pose,' she said. 'And then, off to bed.'

They kept the call open as Stella got changed and ready for bed. Stella took Scully with her into the bedroom, set her up against her lamp and sighed deeply. 'Good night, sweetheart.'

'I don't think I want to hang up,' Scully smiled sweetly at Stella's endearment. 'Then don't,' Stella said as she pulled her hair from its restraints and allowed it to frame her face. She folded her hands under her head and felt her entire body grow heavy under Dana's attention. 'I love you,' Dana finally whispered as she saw Stella's eyes grow heavy. 'Did you set your alarm?' Stella raised her eyebrows in affirmation and Scully nodded. 'Good. Sleep, Stella. I'll see you tomorrow.' 

'Hmm, tomorrow,' Stella hummed, but her eyes were closed already.


	49. Day Forty-Two

_ I'm thinking of cutting my hair. What do you think? _

_ Please do not touch your hair.  _

_ It's getting in the way and I feel like a good crop might thicken it. I've done it before, you know. _

_ And I recall telling you I was glad kept it long _

_ it's my hair, babe. _

_ You asked me, and I think that your hair is gloriously perfect just the way it is _

_ What do you like about it so much? It's just hair _

_ There is nothing 'just' about your hair, Dana. _

_ I've had it all my life and I regret to inform you it possesses no special powers whatsoever _

_ Oh, but it does.  _

_ Tell me _

_ Can't, I'm in a meeting right now.  _

_ Seriously?  _

_ a boring one, but I do have to pretend to be paying attention _

_ Tell me later, then. _

_ I will. _

Scully smiled as she got ready for another shift. They had been getting busier and harder to cope with, but somehow she'd been okay as she knew that Stella was at the end of them. Today promised to be a rough day as she was supervising students during their first day in the ER, a day that stuck with her from her own training. The promise of seeing Stella tonight would be the thing that would pull her through. 

Halfway through her day she received a voice message. Five minutes, and her initial reaction was to roll her eyes and look at the clock - there was no way in hell she'd give up five minutes of her break for a voice memo from anyone but Stella. 

But this one was from Stella.

She led with a text saying  _ You asked me, so let me explain. _

Scully smiled as she looked around, thinking if she had an appropriate place to listen to this, to well and truly let herself get carried away with 04:38 of Stella's voice complimenting her. She told her two students she'd be in her office for a bit, gave them an assignment and retreated into the safety of the small, practical but quiet and empty office she held. Digging her headphones from her bag she plugged them in and settled on the office chair, pushing it to the window to look out onto the abandoned streets as she listened to Stella.

_ Dana, please. I have no right to ask you this and no experience in requesting this before but I… I really rather like your hair and would prefer it if it were at a length for me to run my fingers through when we meet again. I know that you had it shorter before, and it would still be long enough to run my hands along your scalp as I kiss you… but to feel it on me, to hold onto it and to wrap it around my hands.. It's possibly one of my favourite things to do. That sounds dense and dumb, but I'll take my chances because it's also true. It's so rich and thick, Dana. Your hair is what I wanted as a child, only chestnut or auburn, because I was young and wished for the opposite to my own. But now, the colour might be what I love the most about you. It's so you, my love.  _

Scully swallowed as her heart was overwhelmed by Stella's candor. Stella wasn't one to compliment her like this, openly, purely based on her appearance rather than her intellect or character. She knew Stella looked beyond the physical, always had, but to hear her talk about Scully's hair as extensively and as reverently as she was currently doing made Dana think it might hold more weight than she'd thought. They didn't talk about it much. Even though they called each other beautiful all the time, highlighted things they particularly loved about each other and praised each other on their looks and outfits, always uplifting rather than judging, they rarely just spoke about their physicality. Stella continued, though, and Scully shook her head as she realized the depth of Stella's words went past the obvious, even now.

_ It's like a crown you never take off. One that is set ablaze by the power of the sun, channeling it into the warmth of your soul and fueling your passion from within. You're a lioness and a princess all wrapped up into one and it transforms you, from one moment to the next and all this time your beautiful face is framed by that mane of yours that you should not cut. Don't do it, Dana. Please. I understand the need to change something, I've felt it too. And of course it will grow back, in time, but seeing you like this every night is what's keeping me from drastically changing mine. I might attempt to put my piercing back in though, but I'll tell you more about that later. Your hair… it's so uniquely you, and I remember it being the first thing I noticed about you. Did I ever tell you that? And later, roaming the streets of New York I could have sworn I saw your fire crown a couple of times, proud and fierce above everyone else even though your height might suggest differently. It might have been what brought me to you in the first place. If you do want to cut it please wait until I can do it for you. _

_ I'll see you tonight. Bye. _

Scully pursed her lips and breathed deeply before sending Stella a message. 

_ If it truly means so much to you I don't know why I wanted to cut it in the first place. It's all yours. _

She'd gotten no response, finished her shift and drove home to call Stella. Before she connected the call she took out her ponytail and shook her head a few times, dragging her hands through her tresses for full effect. She shook her head at her own vanity and chuckled in irony as she pressed the camera button, waiting for Stella's image to appear. When she did, a wide smile spread slowly across Stella's slightly worried facial features.

'You didn't cut it.'

'After that… How could I?'


	50. Day Forty-Three

_ Dana, I'm sorry but I have to cancel tonight. I'm okay but I have a work emergency to attend to. Let me know how you are doing. We'll talk tomorrow. x _

Scully stared at her phone, a frown adorning the space between her brows. A cold shiver ran down her spine as something told her that perhaps there was no work emergency. It wasn't unlike them to attempt to cancel, and often they ended up talking anyway, but there was a tone to Stella's message that made Dana question whether it was a good idea to push her. They'd spoken so much over the past days, maybe Stella needed a break. Even though they'd discussed this exact scenario, it was over a month in to their arrangement and Scully was unsure how many of their previous rules still held meaning. Should she bring it up? Ask Stella if she was okay and risk an 'I'm fine'? She decided to operate with her own conscience and peace of mind as a guide rather than Stella. 

_ As long as you are okay. I'm here if you want to talk. Or is this one of those times where I do not push?  _

_ All good, just busy. _

_ I'll take your word for it. Call me tomorrow. I love you. _

_ Love you too x  _

And after that, nothing. No sign of life during the afternoon, evening, and even Dana's good night message went seemingly unnoticed. She worried, but she had been here before. Promising herself to hold Stella to their date the next day she tried to sleep, tried not to let Stella's silence get to her, but deep down she felt a familiar rock settle in her stomach.

Loneliness. Uncertainty.

Across the sea, Stella checked her phone more than she knew was necessary. 'Fuck me,' she muttered to herself when their usual call time went by and no call came in. She was at work, like she'd told Scully, but something deep inside of her yearned for Dana to try anyway. She grew angry, mostly at herself for needing and seeking validation in the form of Scully's attention, and as she drove home later that evening she turned her phone off. She didn't need Dana. She was okay by herself. 

She’d had no choice but to cancel, needed the space and time to herself, but she also knew she was being unfair to Dana. They should be able to talk about this, and Stella knew that she shouldn’t push Dana away especially when that was all she wanted to do. But it hurt so good, felt so validating in a compromising and self-destructive way that was almost addictive. Sleep came in the form of heavy dreams, like she knew it would, and for the first time in months she felt truly unhappy.

Day Forty-Four

Stella's dream journal.

_ Is this it? Is this what I feared would happen to me once I grew accustomed to having you close to me? You are there in every aspect of my life and I fear I am losing my mind. You are taking it, slowly, even in my dreams you are there. More so today, when I haven't seen your face for no more than twenty-four hours I feel I crave to be close to you. Something about you haunts me, and it's not even really you, it's my own demons that I need to fight. I don't need you. I don't want to need you.  _

A few hours later Stella finally grabbed her phone. Still nothing from Dana. She desperately wanted to tell her that she'd be there later today, ready to video call and see her lover's face, but something held her back. She hated not seeing Dana but she hated the implications of the fact that she missed her more. Had she grown weak? Stella Gibson was not weak. Two more times during her morning did thoughts like these invade her brain, her pride and self-taught defense mechanisms appealing to her louder and louder, drowning out the softening voice of Dana Katherine Scully calling to her and telling her they were stronger together. It felt good to be hurting like this. The darkness infesting her heart, permeating it with black ink instead of pink clouds felt like a welcome distraction. But from what? From her own inability to grow and to admit that she missed the woman she loved?

After spilling a full cup of fresh coffee over her desk in a moment of immense frustration she sighed deeply and composed a message to the one she missed dearly, yet didn't want to see.

_ I'm busy tonight too. I'm sorry. _

Stella watched how the message sent and was read within a matter of seconds. Decidedly she locked her phone and put it back on her desk, face down so she didn't have to see the reply come in. Her stomach turned and her heart beat wildly - She knew that what she was doing was irrational and wrong, but she just could not confess to herself the level of commitment she had grown to develop for Dana. 

'Stella, no,' Scully whispered across the Atlantic as her fears and suspicions were all confirmed within the six words of Stella’s text. Tears welled up in her eyes as she realized it did indeed feel like Stella was pushing her away. She tried calling her, got nothing, and decided to just text back instead. 

_ Call me any time you can today, I miss you. _

Unread, for hours. Until finally Stella opened the message and refrained from answering, and Dana honestly didn't know which cut her deeper. All she knew was that her heart was slowly being sliced to shreds and she needed to talk to her girlfriend.

But, after all, Stella had told her to push. To not give up when this happened. So she didn't. She sent Stella a selfie that night, told her in a voice message about her day and how she had tomorrow off. She didn't ask Stella to call her tomorrow, deciding to wait this one out a bit, because she knew a storm passes more quickly if it meets little resistance. And this felt like a thunderstorm. It felt dark, gloomy, dangerous and unsafe - until she finally got a response, in what must be the middle of Stella's night.

_ Just got home. It was good to hear your voice. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Good night x _

Scully sighed deeply and pushed away her pride before responding. 

_ I'm so happy to hear from you. Stella, please just talk to me if there is anything I can do. Silence is worse than anything you could ask of me. Sleep well, and call me tomorrow. I'm off work so any time. _

It took her hours to fall asleep. But it took Stella hours as well. She had her eyes on the ceiling, dark and useless and devoid of anything to guide her, and she just stared at it until finally her eyes grew heavy and gave in to the pull of the night.

She woke up with nothing but the clear image of Dana Scully on the forefront of her mind. 

Day Forty-Five

Staring at the clock Stella felt decidedly worse than the day before, and the day before that. Maybe it was time to give in. Dana would understand, but she'd have some explaining to do, Stella knew that. She grabbed her phone and read Dana's text from the previous night, felt tears well up in her eyes and cursed under her breath. Dammit Stella, just call her. But it was three at night where Dana lived, and that was as good an excuse as any to delay the inevitable. So Stella waited.

Two and a half hours later Stella glanced at her phone just as it lit up with Dana's name. She stared at it for a second, well aware of the irony of her having her phone on silent but still somehow pulled to it at the right moment by some cosmic string that bound her to Dana. All right, she thought. You win this one. She licked her lips and relaxed her jaw before answering. 'Stella.

Her business voice surprised even herself.

'Eh.. Hi,' Scully said, her voice heavy and hoarse on the other end of the line. 

'Dana, it's so early for you,' Stella softened her tone. 

'Can't sleep, and I figured you'd be up,' Scully whispered before clearing her throat. 'I'm so glad you picked up.'

Stella breathed deeply. 'I… I'm sorry,' she finally said. 'I got distracted with work and everything just snuck up on me, you know how it is.'

'I do,' Scully agreed, 'I hope work is okay. You're not back in the office with everyone, are you?'

'No,' Stella said, relieved that Scully was giving her something to talk about without immediately confronting or accusing her. 'No, I'm going in and out but I'm mostly by myself or with one or two others and we're staying at a distance, don't worry.'

'But I do, and I was,' Scully admitted. 

'I'm fine,' Stella waved and then caught herself, smiled and cocked her head to one side as she considered what she'd just said. 'I mean, I really am. I just needed some time.'

'That's okay,' Scully reassured her. 'You don't owe me an explanation. I just missed you but I understand your need for distance.'

Stella shook her head lightly. 'I've come to realize something,' she said. 'I can function without you if I want. But I don't. I want to talk to you all the time, see you, hear your laugh. When I see you every day I'm not more or less capable of anything but being content. You've changed me, Dana, and I feared that but what I feared was the darkness that appears when you're gone. I sought that darkness, looked into it and found myself. I'm still there. Nothing of her is lost to you. You just.. enhance her. Complete her.'

Scully sniffed and Stella felt her phone buzz as Scully's video call came in. She combed a hand through her undoubtedly messy hair, put her phone down and accepted the call. The room she looked into was dark, and the weak beginnings of daylight reflected lightly off of Dana's hair. She was in bed, pajamas loosely around her shoulders as if she scooted down under the blanket from a sitting position. 'Are you saying you missed me too?' Scully asked, her voice filled with the liquid love pouring from her heart. 'Yes,' Stella answered honestly. 'I pulled away and found nothing there. I missed you dearly.'

Scully just regarded Stella for a few moments, her heartbeat slowing to its normal rate at Stella's admission. 'Okay,' she finally said. 'Morning yoga in an hour?' Stella glanced at the clock. 'Yes,' she nodded. 'And then I'll call you again tonight.'

'Three times in a day, huh,' Scully pursed her lips. 

'We have some catching up to do,' Stella winked at her. 'See you in an hour, Dana.'

As Scully's screen went dark she shuddered with the wave of relief that crashed down over her. Tears ran down her cheeks at the tension that released itself, all of her doubts and fears that could finally be put to rest again. Stella was okay, and that was all that mattered in the end. She'd hoped Stella would come around, but deep down she had feared that this might be it for them. Sighing she wiped away her tears and threw back her blanket - time to get up and get changed, she had a yoga date with her girlfriend in an hour.


	51. Day Forty-Five - part 2

That evening Stella found Dana on the couch reading a book. She smirked as she put her laptop down on her bed, leaning in to catch Dana's attention. 'Am I interrupting something?' she teased. 'No, no,' Scully chuckled as she but down her book. 'I… Honestly I feared you might cancel and I didn't want to be the one left at the altar.' 

Silence deafened them both for a moment as Scully's uncertainty boiled the sea between them and burned Stella's ears. 'Let me take you on a date,' Stella finally stated.

'What?'

'A date, you know, we do something together and we enjoy each other's company. Just as long as we don't talk about the weather.'

'Stella, no.'

'Why?'

'Well, for starters, we're in the midst of a global pandemic.'

'I didn't mean go somewhere together. I just want to… You know, make an effort. Do something nice.' Stella shrugged as her confidence left her with every word she spoke. 'Never mind.'

'No, no, I like that,' Scully's eyes brightened a little. 'What did you have in mind?'

'Surprise,' Stella said seriously as she straightened her shoulders. 'I'll send an invitation.'

'Invitation, huh.'

'And you'd better not be late,' Stella leaned her head to the side, 'Because my days of being stood up are over.'

'I can't believe you've had much experience with that,' Scully grinned. 'I'd say you were the heartbreaker, not the broken-hearted.'

'You'd be surprised,' Stella whispered. 'But like I said, that's done. I won't leave you waiting if you vow not to leave me.'

'I already have,, Stella,' Scully said softly. 'You know that.'

'Maybe I need you to remind me sometimes,' Stella stated quietly, 'And maybe I need that more than I care to admit.'

'Then I will,' Scully nodded her understanding. 'And I'll be awaiting your invitation. Just don't go too crazy, okay? I don't want you to feel any pressure.'

'I told you, I'm fine,' Stella said. 'I promise you that. I was silly to think otherwise. And you proved my point by just being you, Dana. If I'd truly feared I'd lose you I wouldn't have come back to you.' 

Scully smiled thoughtfully at Stella's words because she understood exactly what Stella was saying. Stella was the one to abandon, not the abandoned. 'I'm glad you knew,' Scully said, 'Because I don't know if I was clear enough about that in the past.'

'You were,' Stella reassured her as she scooted a little further onto the bed. She shifted her laptop and Scully saw how she pulled one knee up on the bed, reaching to the side to grab her mug off of presumably a tray table next to Stella's computer. Stella sipped the hot liquid and pursed her lips. 'So, a date.'

'We haven't really dated before,' Scully laughed a little nervously. 'I'm cosmically bad at dates.'

'I'm sure you're perfectly fine,' Stella grinned. 'And if it turns out to be a disaster we can always fake a bad internet connection.'

'I would never,' Scully gasped. 'Anyway I'm sure I've sat through worse dates than anything you could drag me through.'

'We need to talk about that some time,' Stella smiled. 'I have some pretty horrendous stories myself.'

'Okay,' Scully agreed, suddenly feeling a little shy. They rarely discussed previous crushes or relationships, and when they did it was usually in a much more serious context. She knew Stella's relationships were complicated. But she had also always been interested in Stella's battle field stories, and she wouldn't pass up a chance to hear some saucy details. 'Not on the date though,' Stella added. 'On our date, I want to hear about you. Tell me what you were like as a little girl. And I'll tell you anything you want to know too.'

'Anything?' Scully asked.

Stella looked at her, sipped her tea and raised her chin. Her lips parted and Scully swore she could see every freckle on Stella's dimly lit skin. 'Anything.'


	52. Day Forty-Six

The next day, Dana's package found its way to Stella's doorstep.

Timing couldn't have been better for either of them, for Stella craved something to keep her hands busy and Scully had been feeling intensely sad and deflated all day - although she hadn't told Stella. 

Stella opened the door to a friendly mail man who left a heavy looking box on her doorstep. She smiled at him and collected her gift, and even though she had been aware of its existence for some time and she wasn't usually one for gifts she felt warm inside at the thought of Dana sending her something. She frowned at the weight of the box and pushed her front door shut with the heel of her foot before putting the box down on her kitchen table. 'Jesus,' she sighed. Grabbing her phone she eyed up the regular sized, irregularly heavy box before texting Dana.

_ Your unusually and uncharacteristically heavy present just arrived. _

_ Can I call you? I want to see you unpack it. _

_ Now?  _

_ If you have time _

_ I do, give me a minute _

Stella grabbed a few random items and propped her phone up on top of them, chuckling at herself as she called Dana. 

'You are currently up on a jar of pasta, leaning against a pot of sauce, standing on top of my toaster,' Stella told her girlfriend when she appeared on the screen. 'And I'm not one hundred percent sure you'll stay up, so bear with me if I disappear.'

'Okay,' Scully grinned. 'I thought toasters weren't your thing.'

'They're not,' Stella just said as she pulled the box towards her. 'So, what did you send me?'

'Open it,' Scully said softly as she watched Stella's white blouse glide over her skin with Stella's movements. Stella's hair was loose and curling in waves around her shoulders, her face was bare of make-up and her skin glowed with excitement she was undoubtedly trying to subdue. Stella always said surprises weren't her thing but secretly Scully knew better by now The surprises Stella was used to weren't the kind Scully had in store for her and Scully knew she'd get used to liking them, or at the very least she'd despise them less and less. Stella Gibson would never admit to being a softie, but secretly she was a hopeless romantic who needed to feel loved without it being said to her. 

And as Dana watched Stella's face as Stella tore off the tape and opened the flaps of cardboard Scully knew she'd already reached her goal. Wonder shone from Stella's eyes, curiosity mixed with slight apprehension and maybe even a hint of fear. Scully's heart fluttered as Stella's inner girl came out to play and her cheeks filled with giddy excitement. 'Dana, this is full,' she commented. 'Indeed it is,' Scully nodded, 'I hope you like it.'

'I'm sure I will,' Stella said as she started to dig in. The card and letter Dana had attached were lying neatly on top of the single sheet of tissue paper covering the box’s contents. 'Don't read that yet,' Scully waved, 'Do that when you're alone. Get to the presents.' 

Stella chuckled. 'You're so impatient,' she smiled. 'I want to know what you think,' Scully shrugged. 'I want to see how well I know you.'

'Pretty well, I'd say,' Stella said appreciatively as she dug out the chocolate first. Some items were wrapped, others weren't, and somehow it all fit perfectly together. 'Chocolate is easy,' Scully said. Stella just hummed as she studied the packaging. 

'Any particular order you want me to go about this?' Stella asked as she put down the chocolate and browsed the remaining contents with the tip of her finger and her searching eyes. 'Not really,' Scully replied, 'It all kind of goes together.' Inwardly she smiled at Stella's cautious yet thorough approach. 

Stella feathered her fingers across the wrapping paper and little pieces of folded cardboard that made up the contents of the box. She grabbed one of the neatly wrapped presents, admired the flowery, mint colored paper for a moment and went about meticulously peeling the tape off. She looked at Scully from behind a lock of hair, her brow raised higher than it would be in mere curiosity. 'You're playing with me,' Scully feigned annoyance. 'Come on, just unwrap it.'

'I'm not playing,' Stella said seriously. 'I just like the paper. And I like watching you.'

The paper was on Scully's side and it ripped, and Scully pursed her lips to keep from laughing at Stella's expression. 'Well, all right,' Stella gave up. She ripped the rest of the paper and held the bubble wrapped box containing the luxurious and heavy candle on one hand. 'This looks really nice,' she breathed. 'It's so heavy.' She took off the bubble wrap and carefully opened the top of the box and retrieved the faceted glass that could easily double as a whiskey tumbler. 

'Look at the name, then smell it,' Dana instructed. 

Stella looked at the camera as she took the candle in two hands and lifted the glass to her nose. She inhaled gently and closed her eyes. 'Hmm,' she moaned and Scully rolled her eyes. 'All right,' she stated, 'What do you think?' 

'It's delicious,' Stella hummed. 'It reminds me of something.' 

'Me too,' Scully smiled. 'Look at the name, Stel.'

Stella did and frowned before collapsing into a breathy giggle that Scully had never seen before. She even blushed a little and Scully's insides sizzled and her cheeks caught fire too, for no reason other than her body's need to respond to Stella's. 'Dana…' Stella questioned, 'Isn't it rather odd for me to have a candle with my own name on it? Did you make this?'

'It's not, and I did not,' Scully said honestly. 'I bought them online, smelled it and thought of you before I saw the name. They came in a pack of three, I have the other two which have different scents and names.'

'It's wonderful. Thank you,' Stella said with so much weight that it touched another part of Dana entirely. Scully watched how Stella studied the candle, smelled it again, put it back in its box and grasped the chocolate to put it neatly next to each other, a little to the side but well within frame.

This was why she'd wanted to be with Stella when she opened her gifts. Stella could make her feel so many things, make her see so many sides of herself and of life that she'd never look at in Stella's particular way. Stella showed her the truth, always, and sometimes Scully needed to be reminded of the little truths that were right in front of her. Stella liked her gifts. Stella was okay. They were okay. Stella loved her. Life was good. 

Stella reached for the box without being prompted this time and Scully smiled inwardly - Stella's inner girl was curious and she was losing the ability or will to hide it. She went for a lighter box next, one that was only wrapped loosely in tissue paper - The tea, Scully knew, and nerves buzzed through her. Another one of those things she wasn't sure Stella would like, because it came down to personal taste. Even though they knew their flavor preferences and preferred profiles to be similar Scully had felt a little pretentious buying Stella tea, for she was the tea queen after all. But Stella just studied the little bag, opened it, shook her hair away from her face and smelled the little pieces of herbs and flowers. Her eyes fluttered shut and Scully pursed her lips in endearment. She watched how Stella lost herself in chamomile and citrus, and various other herbs and flowers Scully didn't all remember. 'I made the blend myself,' she commented quietly. 'It has been helping me relax and I hear it's good for your immune system. I thought you might like it for your meditation.'

'That's so thoughtful,' Stella sighed. 'You bought me loose tea.'

'I gathered you'd have the means to brew that,' Scully smiled softly. 'You are supposed to, anyway.'

'Although I despise the generalization of that statement you are correct,' Stella stated and tried to hide a smile. 'I love loose leaf tea.'

'So do I now,' Scully agreed. 'I hope you like it. I didn’t realize the pressure that came with buying tea for an English girl after I had set my mind to it.’

‘I might be English, but that doesn’t mean I’m not open to your American flavors and habits,’ Stella grinned, ‘Although I must say the strike me as immensely barbaric sometimes.’

‘Yeah, we’re known for making barbaric cups of tea,’ Scully scoffed. ‘You’ll just have to teach me how to do it properly.’

‘I intend to,’ Stella said as she carefully pulled the drawstring on the tea bag and put it to the side. She looked back in the box and gasped. ‘Oh, Colombian coffee? How did you know?’ 

‘Know what?’

‘I lived in Colombia for a few months where I studied female slavery and women’s rights while I was in uni. It’s the third highest coffee exporting country in the world, and my fondest memories of that time involve coffee. I miss it dearly sometimes. It was a rough time but I came back with a newfound appreciation for coffee. And chocolate.’

Scully hadn’t heard this story before and she marveled at the coincidences that seemed to follow them around. ‘I had no idea,’ she said softly. ‘Colombian coffee is my favorite and I wanted to share this particular one with you. And the chocolate, of course.’

‘I love it,’ Stella said as she squeezed the bag softly and smelled the aromas pouring from the bag. ‘God that smells delicious.’

‘Let me know what you think of it in terms of flavor,’ Scully said, amused and enthralled by Stella’s apparent appreciation. ‘I should send you some of my favorite coffee,’ Stella frowned as she looked towards her coffee collection. ‘No, save it,’ Scully waved her away, ‘You can show me next time I’m there.’

Sadness crossed Stella’s face, but she smiled through it. ‘Okay.’ 

‘There’s more,’ Scully bit her lip as she felt impatience return in her bones. She loved Stella’s responses and she needed more, finding it addictive and necessary. ‘You really shouldn’t have,’ Stella shook her head lightly. ‘It’s too much.’

‘So you get to send me stuff but I can’t do the same for you? It doesn’t work that way, Stel, and you know it,’ Scully winked and Stella cocked her head to the side, having no choice but to agree. ‘I’ll remember that,’ Stella said, ‘if that means I get something every time I give.’

‘I aim to please,’ Scully replied softly.

‘Oh, you please me all right,’ Stella found Scully’s eyes and held them for a moment. ‘I’m just yearning to show you how much.’

Scully sighed and a sweet expression crossed her face. ‘Me too, Stella. I miss you.’

‘We’ll be there again,’ Stella said. ‘That space you miss, that feeling, we’ll feel it again. I promise. Now, what else did you get me?’ She collected the paper and plastic she’d scattered around her table and smiled to herself as she accidentally popped a bubble. Pushing it all to the side she made space for the final piece.

Scully felt strangely unconfident about the mug that was still in the box. ‘It just reminded me of you somehow,’ she said. ‘Careful, it’s fragile.’

‘Thanks,’ Stella grinned. ‘Oh shut up,’ Scully laughed. ‘Unbox it, you’ll see what I mean.’

Stella chuckled and retrieved the next neatly wrapped gift from the box. ‘So neat’ she mumbled as she worked her way through the tape notably faster than before. It took her mere seconds to uncover the protective cardboard and open it, and her fingers carefully played with the contents for a few moments. Stella finally pulled the mug free from its restraints. ‘Did it make it in one piece?’ Dana reached her neck out to try and see. ‘It did,’ Stella said proudly as she showed Dana. ‘This is beautiful, Dana.’ 

Scully watched how Stella’s fingers caressed the rough surface of the mug, smoothly transitioning onto the glazed ceramic and feeling as well as studying the black stars sprinkled across the mug. Scully felt Stella’s gratitude through the screen and she knew Stella liked the simple but elegant piece of pottery. Stella’s eyes roamed across all of her gifts and Scully bit her lip as she saw Stella’s expression soften into a sweet, loving smile. 

‘I don’t think I own a cup remotely similar to this,’ Stella pondered. ‘This shall be your cup, Dana. Your first item in our house.’

‘Your house,’ Scully corrected.

‘For now,’ Stella said. 

Warmth washed over Dana as she caught Stella’s eyes again. This, she thought. This is why. ‘I’m glad you like it,’ Scully said as she tried to speak volumes through their shared gaze. ‘I like it,’ Stella agreed softly.


	53. Day Forty-Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I'm very, very sorry for the huge gap between posting the last chapter and this one. Being back at work during COVID is proving to be destructive to my creativity in every level. I will continue this, just not on a regular basis - it happens when it happens.   
> I do hope you're still reading this, and possibly even still enjoying it. Sending lots of love to all of you out there who continue to support.

'Thank you for the wonderful things you said in your letter,' Stella said as she settled on her living room floor, Dana Scully on her laptop screen and a glass of red wine in her hand. 'I'm unsure I deserve all the credit you give me but I'll take it, because I feel it's reflected back towards you by my own heart. I don't know words and emotions like you do, Dana, so I apologise if I don't say it enough, but I recognize much of what you wrote.'

Scully smiled sweetly, the frown that had taken up residence on her forehead slightly softened by the relaxation of her muscles. 'Stel,' she whispered, 'I'm glad you read it and I'm glad you're not frightened or repulsed by it.'

'Why would I be repulsed by your love, sweetheart?'

Scully licked her lips and raised her eyes to the heavens before answering. 'I feel like I'm slowly losing hope and you are the only thing keeping me connected to all that could be. It's hard, and I'm trying not to show it and I'm fighting to stay strong but it's taking a toll.'

Stella sighed in compassion and sadness, hearing her fears confirmed by Dana's strained words. She'd seen and heard a decrease in Dana's enthusiasm. She'd feared for her mental health, knowing there was no one stronger than Dana Scully but also realizing that there was no one strong enough to shoulder all of Dana's current burdens. She wanted to share them, had come to realize she could take away more of Dana's pain than she'd thought and she'd been thinking on and off on how to go about it, so she was glad Dana brought it up herself. 

'Tell me,' Stella said. 'What are you most afraid of? I can't help you but maybe I can just listen.'

'Listening helps,' Scully said softly before sighing. Stella watched how Dana disappeared for a moment before she came back, a pillow clutched to her chest as she folded her small frame in the corner of her sofa.

'I'm starting to fear we'll lose each other. It might be six months, Stella. Might even be a year. What do we do then? What will this look like in three hundred days? We can't keep doing this. It's impossible.'

'Sshh,' Stella attempted to soothe her, 'I don't believe in impossible.'

'But…' 

'One day at a time, Dana, that's all we can do. Stay as safe as we can, take care of each other and just take it one day after the other. Sunset after sunset. Every next step will become visible as we move along this path. We know one thing, we're not going anywhere. You can't do anything about it, and no matter how frustrating that is it's also the most freeing aspect of this all.'

'I want to plan our future,' Scully sighed quietly.

'You can't,' Stella whispered. 'We can't. We'll have to put that on hold for now.' As she said it, Stella felt a stinging feeling pass through her chest like she was struck by lightning, or a falling star. 'No,' she corrected herself forcefully, shaking her head at her own mistake, 'We can. Maybe we should.'

'Right now I don't even know when I can see you again,' Scully swallowed. 'Whether it's getting better or worse, I just don't know. There's no way we can plan anything.'

'We can,' Stella repeated. 'And maybe this situation is why we must. There's so much we can do, and if there is one thing we cannot do it is nothing. Planning ahead will make our future. We need to have a future, Dana.'

'We do,' Scully responded. Stella knew she meant to say they had one, but deep down both of them felt it as a direct response to Stella's statement - they did need to plan a future, to have something to hang onto, some form of stability and security in this world where everything felt unhinged. 'I share your fear, but I also know that there is no way I'll let you get away this easily,' Stella smiled weakly. 'Yes, this is a lot and yes, I feel like giving up every single day. But we can't quit, Dana.'

Scully went quiet. Too quiet, Stella thought. She had never really known Dana to be this introspective, this silent, not calm but eerily still and unmoving in her energy. She emanated nothing, just bare space and a dark void where Stella usually found Dana's unspoken emotions. It felt cold without them, even though they weren't within each other's spaces they still occupied a fair amount of each others lives.

'We can't quit,' Stella repeated into the darkness left by Dana, and her voice shook with emotion. Scully's eyes blinked slowly, and Stella watched how the life slowly poured through Dana's gaze. 'Hang on, Dana,' Stella whispered softly. 'Just hang in there and we will find light again. We can switch this up, call at different times, do things together, start a book club or play games… Just hang in there and believe.'

'Play games?' Scully managed a slightly mocking tone.

Stella grinned, partially in relief at Dana's teasing. 'Yes, games. Or watch a show, you name it.'

'You hate games,' Scully stated. 'I do not,' Stella shook her head. 'I just need the right company to play with.'

'I'll play with you,' Scully bit her bottom lip. 'I know you will,' Stella replied calmly, 'And I'm looking forward to it.'

'So am I,' Scully blushed lightly at their mild innuendo, and Stella watched it for a moment to let it simmer between them before moving on to lighter topics.

'Okay then,' Stella smiled. 'I'll think of something. Just don't do anything rash. Stay safe and think about the future with hope, not despair.'

'I'm trying,' Scully said, 'And talking about it does help. You help, Stella.'

'I'm glad,' Stella said. 'And I am also still working on that date. I haven't forgotten.'

'Neither have I,' Scully smiled. 'I'm just trying to figure out what to wear.'

'Wait for the invitation,' Stella smirked, her eyes sparkling. 'I'll leave instructions.'

Curiosity shone from Dana's eye and Stella watched with relief how Dana's signature smile returned around her lips. 'Thank you, Stella,' Scully said softly. Stella sipped her wine and smiled back. 'For what?'

'For listening, and for sticking with me. I would say you have no idea how much it means to me but I think you do.'

'I do,' Stella agreed, 'And even though some parts seem unbelievable and surreal I believe in you, and I believe in us.'

'So do I, I just need something to look forward to.'

'We should continue the house hunt, then,' Stella suggested. 'And call me tomorrow. And the next day, and the next, until one day we'll call each other to plan a flight.'

'It's hard to believe that day will come,' Dana sighed. 

'But it will come. And I'll be right here, and my door will be open and so will my heart.'

'I'm flying over as soon as I can,' Scully whispered. 

'No, you're not. You're flying over as soon as it's safe,' Stella corrected. 

Scully nodded slowly. 'As soon as it's safe.'

'And until then you look after yourself, okay?' Stella requested, her heart suddenly beating wilder than it should. 'Okay,' Scully agreed, and Stella felt free again. 'Okay,' she repeated. 'Talk to you tomorrow?'

'And the next day,' Scully confirmed, 'and the next.'


	54. Day Forty-Eight

'So you talked me down yesterday and then went and ordered a bunch of clothes?' Scully joked. Stella smiled weakly. 'I'd already ordered them, but yes, retail therapy seems to be my current form of escapism.'

'I feel so greedy and bad when I buy stuff now. It doesn't make sense, and we need to keep the economy going, but I just can't think where or when I'll wear it and I know I don't need more…'

‘There is one thing you can buy that you’ll inevitably wear,’ Stella said carefully. Scully breathed as conflicting feelings on her wedding outfit crossed her mind. She shook her head. ‘No, I… I don’t think I should.’

'It's okay to feel strange about ordering things, I understand the duality of the world being in a crisis and me trying on pretty things. But it's just dresses, Dana. We need an escape from all of it sometimes, and today I decided to treat myself with expensive fabrics and the feel of them on my skin. We all have needs and desires we need to find replacements for. Like you said yesterday, it could be ages until… Until this lifts.'

'Until I get to hold you again,' Scully vocalized Stella's unspoken thought. 'Yes.'

'Show me,' Scully said softly.

'What?'

'Show me what you bought.'

And Stella did, she studied Dana's expression like it was her own reflection in a mirror as she showed her the various silky, linen and cotton blend fabrics she'd purchased. A blue wrap dress that hugged her body and reminded her of the color of Dana’s eyes got her a gasp and hum of appreciation. The navy sweater dress she’d purchased for comfort earned her a wide smile, and she could tell it reminded Dana of her living room - because that’s what it had reminded her of. The deep maroon shirt dress was a little on the long side but Dana seemed to like it, so Stella decided to keep that as well - after all, it was the exact color of their New York hotel room floor. The exact color as the blazer she’d worn the first time she sang to Dana. As she twirled in front of her mirror and in front of Dana, Stella realized something. She turned back to the screen that held Dana and she saw that Dana had noticed it as well. ‘All of these things remind me of you,’ Stella admitted openly and bravely. ‘I hadn’t noticed it before, Dana, but they are reminders.’

‘So that you won’t forget me.’

‘So that I feel you close every time I wear them,’ Stella corrected her. ‘Look,’ she said as she pulled out her last purchase. ‘Bloody hell, Dana…’

‘That’s the color I want you to wear when I marry you,’ Scully said resolutely. ‘I know that’s what you meant before. It’s hard to think that time will come, but when it does I want you to wear something like that.’

‘Dana, I always wear this, it’s the most boring color I could choose,’ Stella frowned, but she knew Dana was right. This was her color. It emphasized everything about her features and she felt comfortable in it, especially in a shiny and soft version like the silk blend currently wrapped around her. ‘It suits you,’ Scully whispered in awe. ‘Speaking of suits,’ Stella said, ‘Are you going to wear a dress or something else?’ Scully shifted a little. ‘I haven’t given it much thought. Do you want to wear a suit? That’d be amazing, Stel.’ Stella shrugged. ‘Perhaps. I don’t know yet. I’ve never really thought I’d get married, so I’ve never imagined myself in that position.’

‘Well, believe it or not, it’s happening,’ Scully dared to smile. ‘God, sometimes it’s hard to even imagine being in the same country with you again, let alone plan and execute a wedding.’

‘I know,’ Stella breathed. ‘And just the word makes me feel like I’m too old for it. Or in some other fashion just not made for it.’ 

‘Yeah, I know what you mean,’ Scully pondered. ‘But you do want this, right?’ 

‘Dana, if I’ve come to learn one thing during this pandemic it is that my life is utterly incomplete without you in it. Yes, I want this. In fact, I think I need this. It’s the right thing to do. The only thing to do. And it might take months, or possibly longer… But we will get to plan this. And we will choose our outfits, the location, the food… Everything, and in the end we’ll get to execute it all, be with the ones we love and bind ourselves to each other so that nothing, not even a global pandemic, can get between us ever again.’

Dana took a breath to calm her racing heart.

‘I wish I was with you, Stella.’

‘You are,’ Stella said. ‘You’re always with me.’

‘Don’t get too sappy,’ Scully winked. ‘I need you to be the rational and realistic one.’

‘I am,’ Stella smiled back at her. ‘I don’t know what’s gotten into me sometimes. You made me soft, Dana.’

‘I don’t believe you,’ Scully grinned. ‘You were a softie to begin with, you just needed someone to see it.’ 

Stella shook her head and stood, and instead of moving from the frame like she’d done while trying on clothes she unbuttoned and slid off the dress right there. Dana’s eyes widened at Stella’s expensive looking lingerie. ‘Stella,’ she hummed appreciatively and watched as Stella’s body moved to grab the jumper she’d been wearing earlier. She pulled it over her head and released her blond locks from the collar, shaking her head lightly. ‘Hmm?’ 

‘You look gorgeous, babe,’ Scully sighed. ‘Remember that,’ Stella hummed. ‘Can’t have you forget me instead.’

‘Never,’ Scully shook her head. 

‘Oh,’ Stella said as light sparkled in her eyes, ‘I almost forgot. Check your email later. I have that invitation you were asking about.’

Scully smiled widely. ‘I can’t wait to see what you’ve come up with. Please don’t make too much of a fuss, Stel.’

‘A fuss is all I can make for you at the moment,’ Stella pointed out, ‘so I’m happy to do what I can. I’ll send it as soon as you go.’

‘I’ve got nowhere to be,’ Scully said as she leaned back. 

‘Well then, let’s talk weddings a little while longer,’ Stella said, a little hesitant as she feared Scully might not be in the mood.

‘Okay,’ Scully agreed. Stella climbed up onto her bed with her laptop, turning it so that she could settle against the pillows. Scully watched Stella’s slender legs fold themselves in front of her, and she knew Stella was teasing her, but she’d decided not to comment just to see how far Stella would take the gentle pushing of boundaries that had as of yet not been broken. 

And they weren’t, not yet, as Stella kept the teasing to a showing of skin and wavy blond hair only. But the message was clear. They missed each other, craved to be near each other, and craved to make solid plans for the future - even though right now, the future was something almost alien to both of them. 


	55. Day Forty-Nine

Scully allowed her eyes to wander across the letters on her screen for maybe the twentieth time since she’d received Stella’s email. It was a stylish invitation, something that didn’t scream, but rather sang Stella - a crisp white page with a black border, sleek letters forming the words she wished Stella could say to her, and finally a handwritten signature. It told her to be ready Saturday, tomorrow, at 2PM - early for Scully, but already into the evening for Stella - giving them the most time to do everything Stella had planned. There were a few hints, but nothing conclusive, and Scully found herself curious and excited - and not as nervous as she thought she’d be. She knew Stella. Stella wouldn’t come up with anything she wasn’t comfortable with, and even though the last point on the agenda said ‘have a shower and come back to me’ Scully knew that she’d trust Stella not to push Scully’s boundaries too far either. 

As far as Scully could tell, their date consisted of 4 parts. One was cooking, the second dinner, then a gap which Stella had labeled ‘surprise’ and finally the ‘come back to me’ part. Stella had added a grocery list, descriptive and complete, and a recipe for a savoury meatless pie that sounded and looked delicious. ‘Not the most romantic dinner, but you can take the leftovers to work and think of us,’ Stella had added and it made Scully smile each time she looked at it. 

Stella had added a link to a playlist and Scully turned it on as she grabbed her laptop and got ready to call Stella. The day had been long, and she was tired, but most of all she missed her girlfriend and after their conversation yesterday and the invitation today Scully could actually see their future, and she wanted to tell Stella about it. About all of it. 

The music flowed through her living room as she got comfortable and called Stella. It was a little before their agreed time, so when Stella didn’t answer Scully wasn’t worried. Instead, she sunk her head into the side of her couch and listened to the songs Stella had collected for them. Scrolling through the list Scully saw a collection of love songs, some old, some new, but all of them prominently centered around strong women, strong love and strong connections. She listened while she waited for her girlfriend. A piano piece finally made her tear up and she sniffed as an overwhelming wave of emotions caused her eyes to water and her nose to run, and just at that moment her laptop interrupted her thoughts with an incoming video call. 

‘Geez, Stella,’ Scully muttered as she sniffed again, trying to tame her tears. She hit the connect button, using those few seconds in virtual limbo to try and collect herself. Stella didn’t buy it.

‘Dana, are you all right?’ she asked as soon as she saw Dana’s hazy eyes. She appeared to have been crying, a thin wet sliver of a path down the tops of her cheeks glowing in the dimly lit room. As Dana raised her face Stella saw a slight red spot and imprint of the couch fabric. Stella watched how Scully brushed away the tears before granting her a watery, though strong look.

‘Yeah, yeah,’ Scully waved it off, ‘It’s nothing, hi. It’s good to see you.’ A gentle smile graced her face and Stella knew that it hadn’t necessarily been bad tears she’d seen. ‘Okay,’ she conceded with a smile of her own, ‘It’s nice to see you too. Did you get my invitation?’ 

‘I did,’ Scully said with a smile, slightly embarrassed. 

‘And?’

‘And… I’m looking forward to it,’ Scully grinned, ‘Very much.’

‘Me too,’ Stella licked her lips. ‘No surprises, Dana. Just us. I know you hate surprises.’

‘You do realize there’s a whole part labeled ‘surprise,’ don’t you,’ Scully frowned. 

‘Let me rephrase that, then,’ Stella appeared to reconsider her words. ‘No surprises that you won’t absolutely love.’ Scully twisted her lips and regarded Stella for a second. ‘I’ll take your word for it. Anything specific I need to do for that?’

‘Absolutely none,’ Stella shook her head. ‘Just be there.’

‘I will be,’ Scully assured her and Stella smiled openly. ‘Good.’

‘There you are,’ Scully wondered softly as she watched Stella’s signature deep blue gaze expand and capture her soul. ‘Hmm,’ Stella just responded.

‘I… I was listening to your playlist, actually,’ Scully confessed. ‘When you called.’

‘Ah,’ Stella nodded slowly. ‘You weren’t supposed to, yet, but I guess I neglected to specify that.’

Scully grinned. ‘I thought so, and I am sorry. But it’s beautiful, Stella.’

Stella shrugged. 

‘You know, date night music is a very personal thing. One might even call it… intimate.’ Scully bit her lip to keep from smiling at the woman whose eyebrow rose at the word. ‘There’s nothing I wouldn’t share with you,’ Stella said honestly. Scully pursed her lips. ‘You might want to reconsider that statement when we live together and I eat your chocolate, and use your mugs,’ she said. Stella shook her head lightly. ‘I honestly cannot wait. If that’s the rough bits about living together, what a life it will be, Dana.’

Scully sighed as her mind pictured the scene she’d just painted, her passing by and grabbing a piece of chocolate from the delicate plate of snacks Stella had put out for herself. Stella catching her hand, possibly, and then her eyes. Stella’s lips parting slowly before pulling her in for a dark chocolate tasting kiss, chaste but true. The smile that would form between them only to be glued onto both their lips as Stella released her. She might even take the chocolate from between Dana’s fingers and feed it to her, slowly, deliberately - before licking the remaining chocolate from her fingers herself. 

Stella caught Dana’s daydream. ‘Good thoughts?’ she smirked as Dana blushed lightly. ‘Very,’ Scully smiled back. Stella sighed. ‘You’ll have to tell me about those sometime.’

‘But not tomorrow.’

‘No?’

‘No. Tomorrow I tell you about young Dana, right? And if you want, you can tell me about young Stella Gibson. Or you can tell me about old Stella, forty years from now. And we’ll cook dinner and have a proper date.’

‘We will,’ Stella agreed, ‘and I don’t have anywhere to be Sunday so I can hang around as long as you’d like me to.’

‘I think I made it pretty clear how long I’d like you to stick around,’ Scully said softly. ‘But until you remember that I’ll gladly remind you every chance I get.’

‘Then I think I’ll take a while longer to remember it,’ Stella said.


End file.
